“Mom, no no no. I’m not ready for this. How dare you try and force this on me?”

“Spencer, please baby just try it. It might lift your spirits.”

A change. She wants me to make a change. They’ve all moved on and forgotten about Clay but I have to change. Her eyes are pleading with me. I can tell. She must be really worried. God, why is this happening right now? I just don’t need it.

“Great, she’s here. Oh Spencer, please for me, just give it a chance”

I sit with my mouth hanging open in shock as I watch my mother answer the door. I didn’t think she would want me to start this immediately. I haven’t even made it to my room yet. I can feel my breath quickening in anticipation and anger. Who ever wants their life to change this quickly? Not me. This training thing is a really bad idea.

“Hi, Mrs. Carlin, good to see you again”

“Nice to see you too, Ashley, come on in. Spencer just got home.”

I divert my eyes as to not look in their direction because I know as soon as I look up, it will begin. The pressure to be beautiful. The pressure to be like everyone else. The reminder that they can’t just love me as I am, the way that Clay did.

“Spencer, this is Ashley, your new personal trainer.”

Slowly, I turn my eyes only to meet these beautiful, warm, brown eyes. There was something about them that I wanted to ignore but couldn’t. She smiles ever so gently at me. Her body was amazing. She must think that I am so disgusting. God, I can’t do this. Her hand reaches out to me.

“Hi Spencer, nice to meet you”, Ashley smiles even harder.

Her voice is raspy, but still smooth. Everything about her is beautiful from head to toe. I shake her hand barely breaking our eye contact, yet feeling a sudden wave of fear and reality.

“Nice to meet you,” I said. “But I don’t need this and I can’t do it. Sorry Mom”

I felt bad as I watched her beautiful smile fade into what seemed like actual sadness. I couldn’t tell really. I just know that a part of me wanted to make it better but not today. I storm upstairs to my place, my room, my safe haven despite the faint sounds of my mother’s pleas. Huddled against the bed I wrap my arms around my knees with unexpected tears. After a few minutes, I heard a light knock on the door. God, will this ever end.