“Helena? This isn’t how I wanted to do this. I’m sorry. I don’t blame you. It was my fault, all my fault. Please, Helena, don’t cry, just breath. Okay, deep breaths, okay. I’m sorry.”

　

She knew about them. My entire disgusting and ugly past. I used my mother’s money to get whatever I wanted and sex was what I wanted back then.  I fed off of getting women to sleep with me.  Seducing women into my bed gave me a feeling of being the one in control.  I could get whatever I wanted and whatever I needed from them.  They would give whatever I wanted to me so easily until they finally realized I was only using them for my own selfish needs. Then I always had my mother, she would always be there to bail me out.

My god, I was the all-powerful, wealthy and devilish person she and Danny accused me of being.  I was the person whose only motivation for anything in life was sex.  That’s exactly who I was before I met her, before she looked at me and took my hand and heart in hers that night.  All I wanted and needed that night and every night to come in my life since was her love.

But after knowing what I had done to so many in my past what was she supposed to think.  My past makes me sick.  Her knowing about my past makes me feel so sick.  I feel nauseous, so nauseous I might vomit.  I just blurt it out before my insides come out.  “I need to go to the bathroom.”

She stands up so quickly she almost knocks me over.  “Helena?”  She ignores me and runs quickly towards the stairs.  Following her, I try again…..“Helena?”

SLAM.  The door to her bathroom closes before I can get to her.  “Helena, are you alright?”  That’s a stupid question, of course she’s not alright.  Resting my head and hands on the door, I listen to see if she’s okay. I hear the water in the sink come on and nothing else. 

This is not what I wanted.  Her inviting me here tonight for dinner was my dream come true, another chance for me to tell her I was sorry and prove to her that I love her.  She’d already given me more chances than I deserve.  I knew it wouldn’t be easy and I knew she would get angry.  But, not this.  This is not how I wanted to do this.  I fucked it up again.  All I’ve ever done is hurt her.  I love her so much and all I do is hurt her.  She doesn’t deserve to hurt.  Helena deserves to be loved.  I don’t make her feel loved.  All I make her feel is hurt and pain.