I should just leave and never come back again.  If I leave now, she can get past the hurt I caused her and find someone who makes her feel loved without making her hurt like this all the time.  Reluctantly, I remove my head and hands from her bathroom door.  “I’m sorry Helena………………….I love you…………….goodbye and be happy……..you deserve to be happy….."　

　

　

Splashing the cold water on my face makes me feel a little better physically.  It’s doing nothing to make my emotional sickness go away.  I need to rest my hands on the sides of the sink to keep me upright.

Look at yourself. Take a good, hard, long look at yourself Helena.  The reflection I see in the mirror is pathetic.  My skin is pale, my eyes are swollen and I look like hell.  I feel like I’ve been in Hell.  My life since she left me three years ago has been spent in Hell.

First, Dana died. I miss Dana.  She had such a wonderful, beautiful and innocent soul. She was taken away from this world much too soon.  I didn’t know her that long or that well but, that doesn’t stop me from me from missing her.  I close my eyes and say a silent pray for her. “……..I miss you Dana, Alice misses you, we all miss you so much.”

Dana was dying when I was with Dylan the first time.  The first time we made love.  The night before I flew everyone to the basketball game.  I never felt anything like that before.  She swore she’d never been with a woman before.  I’d been with so many and none of them made me cum like that before.  It was the most exhilarating feeling.  To just let go and be taken by her.  Not to have to be in control, not wanting to be in control.  I let her take me and that’s what she did.  She took me to highs I’d never even been close to before.

As quickly as she took me there, she dragged me to the lowest point I could ever be.  After that, my life seemed to sink lower and lower into Hell.  My mother disinherited me.  I had nothing, everything taken away from me.  Alice took me in.  I slept on her couch and even had to wear her clothes.  She was so good to me.  Alice is a good friend.  No, she is not just a good friend, Alice is my best friend.  The best friend I’ve ever had, maybe the only friend I’ve ever had.

Then there was Catherine.  Catherine, I can’t even remember when she came into my life.  She was a friend of my mothers I think.  Somehow, she found me and apparently liked me.  I let her use me.  I was so low, so deep into my own hell that I let her use me, the same way I used all those women.  She used me the same way.  Leading me into a life of crime that ended in jail and meeting Dusty.  Dusty was nice, for a convict, but wrong for the same reason.  I took the money I stole from Catherine and fled with Dusty. I was trying to get away.  Away from my life.  Dusty wasn’t the answer.  I didn’t love her.  I missed my life. 

My mother getting sick.  It was Karma.  My past life coming back to bite me in the ass, leaving me with nothing and then giving all my wealth back to me.  With all the hell I had caused in other people lives, it had to be Karma coming back at me to destroy me first and then having payed my penance allowing me to come back up on top.   

Dylan was my love, the love of my life, and she did to me what I did to so many others before her.  I was paying for my sins.  Losing Dylan was my punishment for my sins against others.  My life after Dylan left was Hell.  My life wasn’t Hell when I was with her.  Just the sight of her made me feel like I was in Heaven.  Talking to her, being in the same room with her, just being near her made me feel like I was in Heaven.

We’re just a door apart and I miss her.  I’ve paid for my sins.  I don’t want to lose her again. “Dylan!”