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A Life I Never Meant Chapter Sixteen
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“I think even Tonya loved her.”
“Tonya definitely loved her. I know for a long time we all chose not to believe it but Tonya really did care a lot for Dana.”
“And Lara.”
“And you Alice.”
“Yeah, I really did love her, more than I ever thought that I would love anyone.”
“And you kept loving her, regardless of Lara, or whatever happened after that. She always found strength in the love that you gave her.”
“But in the end it wasn’t enough.”
“Some battles aren’t supposed to be won, sometimes it just has to be enough that you fought the good fight.”
“I wish that she could have fought harder.”
“We all do.” says Bette, as she pulls me into her arms and I let the tears fall.
I cry like I’ve never let myself cry. Before now I’ve always felt like I had hold something back because if I cried like I wanted to then I would never stop, but there’s something about being here now, with Bette, that makes it different. I feel like she understands my loss more than any other person and I don’t feel the need to explain myself with her. There’s an empathy there that I feel deeper with her than with any other person. I can hear her whispering in my ear that everything is going to be OK, and for the first time I really think that it is. Once I’ve stopped crying this time, it really will be the last.
I know that I don’t want to forget Dana but I know that she would want me to move on and find something new, someone new. Not to replace her, but so that I can know the love that I once felt for her again, but this time with someone new. I don’t know how long we stand like this, with Bette holding me, but I know that it must be a long time because when Bette pulls away from me slightly, as she can feel me regaining some kind of control, what was the late afternoon sun has turned into the most beautiful sunset. She looks deep into my eyes as she wipes the last remaining tears away from my face with her thumbs. As she looks at me she starts to smile and through my watery eyes I smile back at her.
“I wish I could cry like that.”
“No you don’t.”
“No, I do. It must be incredibly…cathartic.”
“Or incredibly…embarrassing.” I say, trying to look away.
“There’s no need to be embarrassed. It’s just you and me Alice. You don’t think that I know what it’s like to grieve for someone?”
“I know Bette. Your father, and then losing Tina to the other side of the country. I know you’ve felt loss before.”
“And we’re both still here, making it through another day, sometimes just getting by, sometimes making real progress, but I’m hoping that one day I’ll understand why I had to go through that process.”
“Shane warned me that philosophical Bette had been making an appearance.” I say, laughing.
“I’m just trying to see the good in everything that’s happened.” replies Bette, with a shrug.
“That must be a hard work.”
“Hardest thing I’ve ever done.”
“I think that I want to go now. I’ve done all the crying that I think I can stand for one day.”
“But you didn’t say anything. I thought that you wanted to say goodbye.”
“I think I just did.”
“If you’re sure?” asks Bette, doubtfully.
“I’m sure. Lets go to The Planet and talk about nothing.” I say, brightly.
“That sounds like a great idea.”
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it is sad to see that tina left without talking to bette, their relationship will be never resolved this way even if she will say ally that she loves her, for all 3 of them there always be that question: what if? i’m glad to see that alice was able to say goodbye to dana, it will be good for her to move on…i’m a tibetter and i still have hope that you will bring them back together
Tina is a such a chicken but it was good to see Alice tell her about being careful and not hurting Ally. If Tina still feels like she can’t face Bette b/c she will realize she can’t live without her, then that should be enough reason for her to realize she can’t and shouldn’t hurt Ally the way she was hurt by Bette. Somehow I think Tina will lie her way through it and end up with Ally for a period of time. I’m interested to see where this goes, whether you jump ahead a year or 2. I am a diehard TiBette fan; I just hope throughout it all Bette and Helena or Alice will never be a couple. I do want Bette to have some happiness; whether its an extended vacation in I do hope Shane and Carmen find some happiness with each other. Shane really does deserve it.
Tina is a such a chicken but it was good to see Alice tell her about being careful and not hurting Ally. If Tina still feels like she can’t face Bette b/c she will realize she can’t live without her, then that should be enough reason for her to realize she can’t and shouldn’t hurt Ally the way she was hurt by Bette. Somehow I think Tina will lie her way through it and end up with Ally for a period of time. I’m interested to see where this goes, whether you jump ahead a year or 2. I am a diehard TiBette fan; I just hope throughout it all Bette and Helena or Alice will never be a couple. I do want Bette to have some happiness; whether its an extended vacation in I do hope Shane and Carmen find some happiness with each other. Shane really does deserve it.
That was very moving. Liked the sunset metaphor. Now Tina has to face a cowardice-induced quandry. Hopefully she’ll get a grip or she’ll wreck 2 lives, all for her gutless dithering.
You have an amazing ability to write each person and remain true to their character. I’m always so glad to see you have posted. This story is an incredibly sad one, as each person deals with their regrets and mistakes, but you write it so well and it is nice to see some sort of resolution for everyone. I can’t believe you let T go back without talking to B. Hopefully she’ll realize Ally isn’t for her and will get back to B and they’ll live happily ever after :). Great update–thank you.
I agree w/some of your other posters if Tina is too chicken to find out that Bette is her first, last and forever then it isn’t fair to Bette or Ally b/c Tina will always think of what she is missing and Ally will always think that she is second best. And that’s a sad way to live, to think that you didn’t make the first team and perhaps never will. Great story with complexity.
Such a great chapter & story. Lil bummed they didn’t talk, but I’m still holding out hope. Thanks for takin the time.
Crying is good, for the soul, for the complexion. Yes, some battles aren’t meant to be won, but it’s good if the generals can at least meet together on the same field. Tina missed a golden opportunity. How will they move on now? Is the one-sided posthumous resolution of Dana and Alice an example for Bette and Tina? Thanks for the processing, it’s always welcome.
I hope I don’t get hunted down for this but I like Tina and Ally together..
Just … awesome, as always! I love this story so much, so please continue soon!! I like the different point of views, it keeps the story interesting.
great to see this,
now that I’ve actually read this chapter, the suspense is killing me….great Alice and Bette scene, altho I’m a bit worried at Bette’s state…doesn’t feel good…and am anxious about what T is gonna say to Ally, I am so a Tibetter…thanks for the update and please write asap so I can deal with my apprehension and anxiety..nedd some of T’s xanax..
You know your writing just gets better and better – this was a phenomenally emotional chapter with these two – how their understanding of the common emotion is running through them – loss in such different perspectives, how Bette must of felt knowing that only a few metres away that Alice was talking to the one woman who has such a hold over her life, so close and yet so very far away. Brilliant.
Was very glad to see your post this morning. I hope Bette goes to NY and breaks up this Ally and Tina thing. Oh..and I just love a good cry first thing in the morning. please post soon
I see that Tina is still a coward and still can’t deal with confrontation. Let her stay in NY with Ally, but somhow I think Ally will leave her because she knows the truth, not because of Bette but because she realize that she is not the one for Tina. I hope to god that Bette moves on and find someone better for her.
another great chapter! i’ve said it before and i’ll say it again! i love your story! keep posting and soon!! =)
I don’t know what to say…Tina is a chicken…I mean if you are so scared to talk to someone because you might realize you can’t live without them…gee well there is your answer. Please let her come to her senses. If she waits too long Bette will think that she has moved on and will probably do the same and then you know how Tina is, a year from now she’ll realize her mistake and Bette will be married with a kid.
This story is so good….
absolutely brilliant.
let bette go to new york and get back tina back
Another great chapter! It’ll be interesting to see what Tina tells Ally.
Love love your story your best best. But please please break up this little Ally and Tina thing I need Bette and Tina back together pleaseeeee!!!!! :)
very well written. great update.
I have a feeling that the next time we see Tina, it won’t be too pretty.
CG, That was breath-taking. Bette really needs to fight for Tina and show her how much she needs and wants her. Tina is involved with Ally but needs to decide who she really wants to give her whole heart, body, mind and soul too; who she want to share the rest of her life with and who she will trust completely and forever. I want this to be Bette but Ally deserves the truth. Wonderful seeing Bette and Alice support each other while visiting Dana’s grave and lying some of the demons to rest. Just get Bette on a plane to New York now! thank you so much for this tantalizing tale. Your Loyal Fan.
PS. Can’t wait to see what Tina has to say to Ally.
Great, great, great. So, Alice moved on, what about Tina and Bette? Can’t wait to read the following.
PPS. please forgive me for calling you by your characters name – I guess I was really caught up in the story and what Tina has to say to this woman who loves her so. Or maybe I was projecting that you identify with Ally. anyway citygirl I apologize for the slip.
Great chapter. And everyone dealing with loss in their own way, yet realizing what the other person is feeling. I only wish Bette and Tina had not been such cowards about talking to one another. Maybe Bette will need to go to NYC and confront Tina which could be a monumental task. Either way, good or bad they need to talk because no one else needs to get mixed up in the lives of those two until they have done something to determine what they will do about their love and lives. My opinion only. Thanks for a great story.
my surmises so far have been so wrong..cool..your weaves and bobs keep me on my toes. B&T both carry so much baggage. now we get to see what Ally’s made of.what.. you didn’t talk to Bette?sue
Ally – this chapter was Brilliant – I love the philosophical Bette and the deep sadness within her written so beautifully. Alice is also so well written and their deep friendship moving to a real conversation about what really matters to each of them was extremely moving. I think this was your best chapter ever. You amaze me with the depth you are giving us. Many many thanks – these stories move me and move me along with the growth of characters I care about.
WOW….just a big brilliant wow!!!!