Tina and I have finally agreed on the therapist that we would see. It’s a relief that the search is over and we can move on to what will hopefully be a re-kindling of our relationship. It’s also an extremely scary proposition because what if it fails? What if she can’t help us? This is a risk that Tina and I must take if we are going to survive the doldrums that have become our life together. 

I guess this is precisely what people mean when they say that sometimes love isn’t enough. I absolutely do not question my love for Tina. Not a day will go by that I won’t do everything in my power to make her life beautiful. If there is anything I can do for her to help her, to ease any strife in her life, or simply to put a smile on that beautiful face I will. And I will do it not only today or tomorrow, but for the rest of my days. I only want the best for her and at one time I thought that was me. I am saddened by our current state of affairs. Actually saddened isn’t really the right word; devastated is more like it. I don’t want to let her go, but I don’t want to be unhappy for the rest of my life either.

Our first appointment is this afternoon and we are headed there now. I must say I wonder what I will say to her, what is it exactly that I need to tell this stranger. I guess I am struggling because I sure as hell don’t know how we got here and I don’t know how to get back to where we were. In short, I don’t have any answers. So when she asks me what do I think or what I think we can do to improve our circumstances, I suspect that I will be at a loss despite all of the thought that I have given this topic.

Having something useful to contribute to these sessions is just one of my concerns. The other is how Tina and I will interact after these sessions. Therapy, especially the intensive variety, doesn’t exactly make Tina and I friendly, understanding and affectionate. Quite the opposite as we have found out in our previous attempts at therapy. Both of us can be real introverts after something like that. I am also concerned that the shear embarrassment that we, the ‘oh so sexy and in love Bette and Tina,’ even need therapy at this juncture will be my downfall. I still have my pride. 

However, I am convinced that this round of therapy will provide some clarity in our relationship and in our lives. And I have resolved to be as open as I can be. I know that I can’t control anyone else’s behavior but my own; I also hope that Tina will give this the same effort.

Something has been very different about Tina in the last few weeks while we’ve searched for a therapist. She has been quite attentive, considerate and much more upbeat. I am not sure what caused the change, but it has certainly been welcomed. She has taken care of me in a way that she hasn’t in a very long time. It’s times like these that I think we can do this on our own; we don’t need a third party to navigate through this mess. We’re mature adults and we can do anything as long as we’re together. Then I remember that we have tried to fix this on our own and obviously we have failed miserably; as evidenced by the lack of intimacy in our relationship. Although we have been communicating better and talking to each other (not at each other) over the last few weeks, we’ve made absolutely no headway in re-claiming the lost intimacy. It’s still hard.

I haven’t mentioned the fact that Tina and I are going to therapy to anyone. I’d like to think that we can keep our sessions and what goes on in them between us. The last thing I need is Alice, Kit or anyone for that matter probing and questioning our developments and breakthroughs or lack there of. Frankly, I’d like to see if we can go on this journey without the added burden of being under the scrutiny of our friends.

Pulling into a vacant parking space near the door, I look over at Tina, who appears very relaxed and say ‘are you ready?’ She replies in the affirmative and we both exit the car and head toward our future.