Bette started writing not really looking at the computer. Words, feelings and tears were coming out from her in a rush, looking for an exit, for a relief.


Date: wed 12 May 2004 11:09:22 -0700
Subject: RE- youus
From: bette

T,
I dont need to think about it all. I have been thinking for almost a month now. I know what I want, I know who I want.

I want you T
I love you with all my heart.

But I can see what you need.
I know you deserve to know, its going to be painful, just thinking about it brakes my heart in pieces that I dont think will ever be back togehere. I need to try to explain what happened. You know Im seeing a therapist and we have talked about it. I wrote you an email, but I dont think you read it. Im going to try again. Maybe this time I can explain myself.

There is no excuse and am not going to try to excuse my actions. I am going to be as honest as possible T. Its going to be painful, and I hate that is going to hurt you but I need you to read it.

I know we decided it was going to be you the one who was going to have our baby. We decided for you to quit your job and for me to support the family. I was more than happy about it but I guess deep inside I took the it like something it was on my shoulders and started thinking (without noticing) that I sould be the one in charge. I know you have let everybody think that thats how its has been all this years but we both know thats not true. I know that you have always know my need for control, my need to be the one that looks to be in control. But we both know, that I wasnt, I didnt have the control. We both know you have been the rock in our relationship.

Looking at all of that now I see that I started (as you said) to believe in what others saw in us. I started to believe that I should be the one in control, and that started putting me away from you.
I just found myself in charge, and I saw me in others eyes when all I should have done was to look in yours. Provocations arrived. It was a great opportunity, a dream project. And instead of enjoying it I took it as a live and death project. I put our future in that exhibition. I didnt listen to you that night we celebrated your pregnancy when you told me that it was great I got Provocations but that Id have been as good If I hadnt. I wasnt listening T. I was so full of myself. I was so proud of myself. That I truly belived in what others thought I was. I truly believed that lie.
And then we lost the baby T. You lost the baby. During the pregnancy I tried to be there for you, you have to believe me when I say how happy I was. But you know me, I also felt left out. You were experiencing all those things and instead of looking for you to share them with me I wanted you to feel them for me while I was in charge.

Does any of this make sense T?

You lost the baby and that crazy woman attacked us on tv. It was too much T and I didnt want to face it. I had to live the lie I was believing in. I was in charge, so looking for solace and love from you was not an option.
But I really wanted to Tina. I just didnt know how to escape that lie that was becoming bigger and bigger.
And then Candance came along.
God T , this is difficult. I dont know how to say it. I guess am just going to say it but first let me say, remind you something. I love you, I adore you, I have never ever stop lusting you.

It was another me T. It was another Bette. It was the Bette in charge. I met her and felt an attraction, I can deny that. It was like I was not me anymore. It was that successful woman that was opening the most important show in the country. And she was there, she was easy. She saw in me what others thought I was. And I let myself get lost, once again, in that lie. It was exciting and it felt great to feel alive. I felt alive being with her. She made my body react, It was just ***** T. I know you dont want to believe me, but thats what it was. I never shared pillow secrets, never shared a true smile.
The moment I did what I did I regret it. I hated myself. All I wanted was to run home and hug you, love you, make love to you. But I felt dirty and guilt stopped me every time I wanted you. I was losing my mind T. I wanted the old Bette back. But this new Bette was getting lost too and I felt like I was going to die.
I could not fall apart, not before the opening, I needed it to be a success. I needed it for us. That shows you how lost I was T. I was thinking about us when I was doing all that horrible think to you, to us.

What you saw wasnt love T, or intimacy. I know it looked like that. But I was trying to find you in her. I know is not fair for me to say this T, but is the truth.

The Bette in charge, the successful one, the cheater was looking for you and not knowing how to reach you I tried to get what we had in her. I fooled myself holding her hand. I was hoping it was you who I was holding.
I didnt know all that then. Therapy is working T. I know all that now.

Its just another of my many faults and weakness. But I guess you already knew I was weak. I just forgot that you knew me and I tried to be another person. I walked away from you without even knowing I was doing that.

I know this does not change anything.
I understand you need time. Time to heal, to learn and to forgive.

You have all the time you want. I will be here waiting for you.
I know you have to look after you heart. Is here, with mine. But I give it back to you, with mine. I am going to start to pray for you to give me your heart back.

I love you T . Am working on trying to be the old me, the one you fall in love with.
Just want you to remember the good times. The happy ones, the true ones. You know the real me. You can tell when I started to be a fool, when everything changed.

Our history is not a lie T. As you said, is not perfect, never was, but it was us.

Love you baby.