“I wanted our family so much Bette, that I thought that us just being together would be enough.  I kept wondering if you really wanted me.  I felt that I had “trapped” you with our daughter.”

          “T…” Bette began ready to object.

          “Let me finish.”  Tina glanced at Bette and held her eyes for a moment before breaking that contact.  “The more I thought about your affair with Candace and how long it took you to end it the more convinced I was that I was right.  The day we made love after the sonogram I thought I couldn’t have been clearer that I was still in love with you.  I couldn’t deny it any longer and even told you at the awards ceremony that I wanted more between us.  You didn’t reject me but you didn’t come for me either.  I know Melvin’s illness and death took up all of your concentration still there was little indication that you still loved me as you once did.  I wondered where my strong sure alpha Bette was.”

          Bette reviewed what Tina was saying in her mind.  She admitted that to Tina it may have looked like Bette had left her.  Shit.  She was trying to move carefully knowing that she had betrayed a trust that meant more to her than anything.  She didn’t even really hope at the time that the golden blonde would forgive her.

          “The doubts didn’t go away, they just got stronger.  When you were unemployed for so long and didn’t seem interested in making a living to care for Angie and I, I took it as another sign that you were not interested in us being a family.  How could I relax and nest with you and our daughter when our home was literally in jeopardy?”

          Bette recalled accusing Tina of putting her petty bourgeois anxieties on her rather than understanding that she needed work that satisfied her soul.  Bette gulped.  This was worse than she suspected.  Bette looked up and briefly met Tina’s eyes communicating that she understood. 

          “I found myself waiting for you to tell me it was over.  It was the last thing I wanted to hear and so in some ways I beat you to the punch.  There is no other woman I want Babe.  Helena showed me that.  It started when I began doing research on online dating.  Then with Josh it was nice to talk to someone who was interested in what interested me.  I found myself slipping down a slope and needing to stop.  I couldn’t do it on my own.  I finally told you that I was in trouble and was having feelings for men again.  You looked so hurt and confused.  You turned away and left me again.”

          “Wait a minute.”  Bette exploded. “You left me.”

          “I don’t think so.” Tina eyed her with some anger. “Remember I told you that in therapy I learned that you were communicating what you couldn’t say in words in actions letting me know that I had betrayed and rejected you?  Well the hurt, confusion and sense that I couldn’t compete hit me when I saw you face that day.  I knew on a gut level that you were feeling what I felt when you betrayed me.  Gayle has helped me to see that I communicate with actions as well.  It wasn’t a conscious decision.”  She stopped there.

          “You’re saying that turning to men was your way of communicating how lost, lost and confused you were?”  The incredulous look on Bette’s face faded as she really thought about what Tina was saying to her.  It was true that Helena was never any real competition in Bette’s mind.  When Tina had confessed to having feelings for men Bette was stunned and didn’t have a clue as to how to respond to that change.  She was definitely hurt and confused and lost. 

          “Yes, even though I didn’t know all that myself at the time I knew that I finally had your full attention again and that you felt passionately about me.  I never wanted to leave our bed and I didn’t want to leave you.  I still can’t believe that you threw me out!”

          “How could I not!  I wanted to kill you. How dare you think about men or anyone else in our bed?”  The Queen’s eyes flashed and Tina smiled.

          “I wasn’t expecting the response that I got.  I was so mad.  When you went off on your retreat I fucked Henry in our bedroom.”

          “YOU DID WHAT?!” 

                                                *******