A littleI guess, my answer is ambiguous enough to satisfy the opposing figures on my shoulders.

Think back to that time., he pauses for me to do so. Whenever you were with someonehow did you feel afterwards?

That depends I say, not know what he means by the question.

On what?

On how good they were? I dont know if I should be talking about sexlesbian ***** with a priest. Im growing more confused than ever.

Thats not what I mean, he clarifies. I mean, how you felt in here. His hand comes up to his chest as he uses two fingers to point through his sternumand to his heart.

Not that good I supposeI suppose I felt a littleempty, I hesitate to say the final word knowing the truth hurts so much more than the denial.

So you felt empty. Do you think that maybe you wanted to feel empty last night?

I feel pretty empty as it is.

He interrupts with, No, you feel pain. You wanted to get rid of that pain and feel empty. You once told me that you had the affair because you needed to feel numb. He trails off his sentence, not wanting to rehash old issues. I think you went home with a stranger for the same reason you had the affair.

Because I wanted to get rid of the pain?

Unfortunately, no. His choice of words doesnt ease my mind.

Why unfortunately? I try to gain some insight into my own mind as well as his with my question.

I think your punishing yourself. Youre engaging in destructive behavior by leaving yourself somewhat depressed after these activities. You were punishing yourself before because you doubted your love for you partnerand youre punishing yourself now because of how you handled the previous situation.

But I want so much to have her back in my life. I need her in my life, I explain to him, rebuking his argument.

Theres a big difference in wanting someone back and actually having them backand your subconscious cant handle the possibility of having her back in your life.

Why not?

Because you dont think you deserve her. You hurt herand you can see that. Now youre trying to punish yourself by making sure you dont get her back. After his words are spoken, we both sit in silence for several minutes. My mind is trying to wrap itself around what hes saidaround the insight hes helped me reach. Ill find some way to apologize to Tinaand Ill never hurt her again.

Finally, I stand and say, thank you Father. As always, youve been a hug help in matters of my heartand mind.

You are more than welcome, he rises and approaches me. Im always here if you need to talk. Ill walk you out. He raises his hand in a gesture toward the door. We walk out and down the front steps toward my car.

I guess I have a lot of thinking to do over the next few days. Ill try to figure out what I can do to come to terms with this, I explain. Would you like to meet on a more uplifting matter?

What kind of matter? His question is half in jest and half hesitant.

A matter of art, Fatherand matter of art, I turn my gaze to the man approaching us from across the parking lot. He looks familiar, but I cant place him. We need to discuss our project. I have most of the presentation ready for the board, but I wanted to discuss.. My words are interrupted as the man stops ten feet away. There is fire in his eyes as he raises his hand. A dark object floats up into my line of sight just as everything seems to suddenly slow down.

I hear two loud pops and see smoke rising from the object before Im thrown back. I dont know what hit me. Im lying on the ground looking at Father Andys feet as he runs toward the man. A struggle ensues as I hear terrified screams and panicked voices. The sky begins spinning as the pain in my side sharpens. Keeping my eyes open becomes difficult as something floats into my right eye. I bring my hand up to rub it out and feel the moisture. I lift my hand to look at it with my other eyecovered in blood.my blood. Thats when I realize what happened. I just got shot! My head begins to pound as the noises begin to subsideand the world goes black.

To Be Continued ?….