“Alice she abandoned me as much as I abandoned her.”

Well maybe not in the same context, but she still abandoned me too. Didn’t she?

“Yes but you were the only one having an *****.”

Oh very clever Alice. Very *****, clever. But rub it in a bit more why don’t you.

 “***** you Alice.” 

Decided to walk away at that point in the conversation.

“Just be out of the house.” Alice added.

No, no. I won’t walk away. So I turned back to face my so, called friend. Time I learnt to say what I really meant for once.

“Alice.”

“What?”

I will not cry. I will not make a spectacle of oneself in public again.

Okay maybe I will, seeing as had no control over tear ducts whatsoever.

“Tell Tina I love her. I never meant for any of this to happen. I never meant to hurt her. Tell her I’m sorry. Please Alice. And I’m also sorry for putting you in an awkward situation, you shouldn’t have to be in the middle of all this.”

 Seems ‘sorry’ was becoming big part of my vocabulary. This time I was walking away.

But must have hit a heart, string.

” I’m sorry too Bette. I’m sorry for not being there for you, you’re my friend also and I haven’t been there for you.”

“It’s okay Alice. I understand.”

She should be there for Tina. This is mostly all, my fault she was, absolutely right. I should have been stronger. ‘I ‘ should have been there for Tina more, and maybe if I had, none of this would have happened. But it did happen. But I was so happy she said that.

” No it’s not Bette. But you are okay though aren’t you?”

I looked down at my hands and started sliding my wedding ring up and down my finger.

“Am I okay?” I repeated out loud. “I’m lot’s of things Alice. I’m lonely, I’m tired, I’m sad, I’m a ***** up and a million other different names I could call myself, but you could say okay is one of them.” I smiled sadly at Alice.

“It’ll all turn out good in the end Bette, just wait, and see.” Alice assured me.

“Will it?” I wasn’t so sure about that. As a matter of fact I wasn’t sure about anything in my life any more.

                                                              *

9.15 p.m. She’s here she’s in our house. Don’t ***** this up Bette.

“I needed to see you.”

I’m sorry T. I’m so sorry. If only you knew how sorry.

No response. Well did you expect one? You aren’t even, suppose to be here.

“You don’t want to give me anything I need. Okay, that’s fair.”

“Nothings fair Bette. You broke everything that meant anything to me.”

I know T, I know baby, but I’ll make it up to you if you’ll only let me.

“Let me fix it.”

I’m begging you please let me fix it.

“No.”

Not the answer I wanted to hear, but somehow knew it was the one I was going to get.

“I wont accept that.”

There I go with the arrogance again. Will I ever learn?

“Too bad.”

“Look I, I over estimated myself, alright, supporting us both financially, and then, and then when we lost the baby I thought that I had to take on the whole burden. I thought I had to absorb your pain and ignore my own.”

It wasn’t sounding how I wanted it to it was coming out all wrong. What the ***** was wrong with me? Why could I never say what I meant? 

“Well I hope you had fun blowing off some steam with the carpenter.”

No, you can’t leave. I haven’t explained myself properly. Don’t go T I need you . . . I can fix this  . . . We can fix this  . . . Don’t destroy us.

“Tinaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!”

It was too late. I had to face the facts.

I  . . . had already done that  . . . I  . . . had already destroyed us.

                                                                           *