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Tomb Raider – Bette Porter L Word
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“But…” Helena begins to object, but thankfully like the well-trained spaniel she is not, she stays put anyway.
Sanctuary Storage Room – Bette
“Alice! What the fuck?” I stand over her as she hammers the lip of the urn with an eagle she must have unscrewed from the top of a flag.
“We’re coming Dana. Just hang in there.” Alice looks up at me desperately. “I can’t get the fucking thing open!” She cries.
“Give it to me for a second.” I say impatiently as she hands it over. I realize I could go down for a dozen embarrassing citations for this. Maybe never work again construed by Republican bigots as a twisted lesbian tomb raider.
“We just need a little screwdriver. You can’t crack this open Alice.” I look around the room for a tool kit. I see choir robes and Knights of Columbus programs. Nothing.
Alice sinks to the floor and covers her face. “Maybe we should just make a run for it. Take the whole urn. My cup idea was stupid.”
“God no! Alice, we’ll figure this out. They’d suspect us first anyway.” I return Dana’s urn to her lap. “I have an idea. Did you see Helena’s earrings? They’d unscrew this blasted thing. Stay here. I’ll be back.”
“But she left with Tina.”
“No, she’s our new look out.”
“Okay, whatever you say.” Alice cradles the polished brass egg shape that holds Dana’s and our future freedoms.
Back out into the fucking church again. “Helena,” she spins around at the sound of my voice, “I need your earring to open the urn, be a tiny little screwdriver.”
I watch her frown at me as she unhooks a solid silver triangle. Behind her I see two men appear, dressed in black suits with emblems from the mortuary. They are here no doubt for Dana’s ashes. I need time. I need time. Talking to them is not going keep our secret. One look, if they walk in here even fifteen feet, will end this whole ill conceived robbery. I fix a very fierce look at Helena. She blanches under my stare.
“Do not struggle with me. Just fucking follow for once in your goddamn life.” I wrap my arms around her back and kiss her mouth. Her eyes are wide open, but so are the mortuary men’s. I release Helena. A loud smack emits as I do.
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Another home run! So funny,witty but macabre and sad. Although, I wouldn’t like it if someone stole my loved one’s ashes but the scene was still freakin’ funny.
Damn! this is hilarious!….So funny that i want to see that it played out on my tv screen!…
Helena and Bette kiss? lmao..and she want to kiss Bette more? Alice is panicking?!
“We’re coming Dana. Just hang in there.” Alice looks up at me desperately. “I can’t get the fucking thing open!” She cries…what about when Tina comes in and saw the”kiss”… :P precious!
azmama was right..you’ve got another home run here.
Bette kissing Helena and Tina walking on them. Hilarious! I pay good money to see that! I am so glad that Tina is going to talk to Bette about what happened to Lucy and her. Thanks for making Henry not there during the talk.
Well my friend, you worked that one out quite well. So proud of you and your writings similar to spider webs, so precise yet riveting in beauty and flow. I laughed my butt off picturing in my mind that scene in the church playing out with the ashes and the kiss. It was an ending fit for the beauty of Dana and who she had become.
Ahhh, a turn toward home….
I like how you introduced the letter and conversation with Tina as a point in her life that I think Bette deserves an explanation for. The history between them warrants it. Hendick is still too fresh.
I’m beaming for the journey. Your voice and style are incredibly right on with this story writing.
Thank you for your gifts to us!
Pretty entertaining. I would love to have seen that in the series. Too funny. Thanks
the story is hilarious and sad. the funny part was helena and bette “kiss” lol. .yeah they hated each other. alice is a great character. i can’t believe about dana “died” in the show. you have done a marvelous job writing. as I always said, keep up the good work. i enjoyed your story.. now i am going to read the other story “Milkyway”
Absolutely LOVED it.Top to bottom.Can u imagine the URN STEALING being played out on the small screen?So much better &funnier than 17REASONS
Really liked this. It has all the emotions and was funny too. Would have loved to have seen the Helena/Bette kiss on screen with JB, LuH and RS!
The more I read this, the better it gets…..”…Starbucks cup….lol!!”
How could I have forgotten just how great this Chapter was :D
I am so enjoying my re-read on a cold rainy day in UK :)
Thanks BB :D
SassyGran, Thank you! This was a really fun and amusing to write to imagine how the group of friends ended up with Dana’s ashes in the first place. Dana’s family had been very protective and dismissive of Dana and her friends. And then to conceive of the scenario of them stealing Dana’s ashes from the stuffy “blind the obvious” church in the Republican stronghold of Orange County.
Another story that I had a blast writing was imagining was, Tomb Raider. Where would Bette go for baby kidnapping supplies when she spirited Angelica away from Shane’s botched wedding? Naturally, for the purposes of GIVING Bette a complete, “Fish Out of Water” moment I chose, WalMart. Bette Porter in a WalMart for the first time in her life and in the mood she was in amused me no end. I hope it did you, too.
It is there she finds her wonderful prop that repeats a few more times to great effect in my WeHo series, Bette’s Bowie Knife. That scary treacherous thing so matched her boiling mood at times that she had to bring it out again and again for all its menacing glory. I can’t remember all the times she flashed it for her satisfaction and mine but they were all great moments.
Thanks for reading! Thanks for commenting! And most of all – THANKS for enjoying yourself so thoroughly.
Blackbird