“That’s not true.  You’re making me sound rigid, and I’m not.  I’m quite liberal.  Progressive, even.”

“I’m talking the personal, not the political.  You order your books, a different color ink for every notebook; the way you dress-you’re always really put together.  Most of the people on campus that I see just throw on yesterday’s sweats and get on with it.  You’re in jeans and Polo shirts that really flatter your body or dress trousers with those ***** button down men’s shirts you wear, you’re always stylin’.”  Gail rushed through that last part almost embarrassed and Bette blushed. “Even the careful way you put on and take off the archival gloves.  In all this time, you have, not once, picked up a document without wearing gloves.  You’re cautious and controlled and obviously that works for you.  As much as you like or love your boyfriend, it’s probably hard for you to give up that much of yourself.”

“Do you think that’s why?”

“That’s my guess.  I’m no authority in the matters of heterosexual *****, but men tend to control that more.  You probably like blowing him because it gives you power.”

Gail knew her.  That was absolutely true.  Bette may have been in a submissive position on her knees in front of him or resting on her forearm beside him when she sucked him off, but she determined how much of herself she’d give and when he’d shoot.  Ash didn’t dare coax her by putting his hands behind her head and forcing her down.  That would have gotten him no where fast.  “Yeah, I think you might be right.”

“You have to trust completely to really be satisfied, Bette.  If you’re going to hold back and fear that your man is going to discover too much or take something you don’t want to give, you’re never going to enjoy it.”

“I enjoy it,” Bette replied defensively.

“But it can be so much more.  Believe me.  I’ve had a few girlfriends in my life and some of them were really good and others were dreadful.  It all came down to freeing myself with that person.  Elaine and I were good together for years but that’s because we put all of our trust in each other.  The last few times we made love, it was a struggle to get through it.  I’m not saying that you can’t have ***** without love, because you can.  You don’t have to be in love, but I’d say that you do have to trust that this person beside you wants to please you, fulfill your desires.  Elaine and I lost that trust, that most basic trust.  Do you trust him?”

“Implicitly.  I trust Ash.”

“Hmm.”

“It’s…you’re right.  I can’t lose control.”

“Why?”

“I can’t.”

“Why?”

“It’s not natural for me.”

“You’d be surprised what’s natural once you experience it.”

Bette had been flirted with a million times on campus and in high school, so that innuendo didn’t slip past her.  She also knew that this conversation had her aching in a way she’d never felt.  She was at a loss about what to do or say.

Gail gave her an out.  “Look at the time?  I didn’t bring lunch today.  I’m going back home for a turkey sandwich.  Are you working this afternoon?”  Gail stretched.

Bette smiled and said, “Until five o’clock.”  Bette watched as Gail stacked her materials.

“Okay.  I’ll see you when I get back.”

Bette smiled as she watched Gail leave.  She slowly gathered her things hoping that by the time she finished she’d be able to stand.  By 12:30, Bette had left the library and didn’t return that day.  She felt too bare.

End Part Four