History. History makes me think of her again, which is absolutely ridiculous. This crush is getting worse every minute and it’s completely unlogical. I don’t know shit about her, I don’t know if she’s a serious person or if she laughs a lot, I don’t really know what her voice sounds like. I’ve only heard her say a few words in the passing if she’s talking to somehow and I always seem to forgot it a bit. They say that when someone dies, the first thing you forget is their voice. She’s not dying at all, but I forget her voice as well. I hate myself for it. She invades my mind and I hate her for it. I hate that I hate myself and her, because it makes me sound like an angry-at-the-world teenager. I’m not a typical teenager, I think too much, I study too much, I’m too much unlike the others. I don’t like their music and I don’t like their hobbies. I don’t like going out and I don’t like drinking alcohol. I don’t like throwing myself at boy’s feet, I don’t like wearing skimpy clothes. I don’t like pretending my brains are smaller than they actually are just to get a boy in my pants. I don’t like a boy in my pants. I think that is the greatest part of me that is different, I am gay. I’m not stupid; in a school with a population of over 1500 people and 150 teachers, I can’t be the only gay person. But it is not really accepted at our school, certainly not in my class, and I can understand that nobody would feel enclined to come out. I don’t either. The only one who knows is Shane and she’s gay herself. I don’t know if I would have told her if she wasn’t. I know Ms Peabody, my English teacher, isn’t a homophobe. Every now and then she brings it up, how surprised she is that a bunch of young people can be that narrow-minded. I remember her telling us how surprised she was the first time she learnt that gay people aren’t really that accepted under teenagers at our school. Of course, our class had to defend themselves. ‘I’ve got nothing against gay people, I just think they’ve got too many rights.’ What. The. Fuck? ‘I think it’s irresponsible for a gay couple to get a child. You always need a mother and a father figure.’ ‘If a guy is raised by two men, he’s got more of a chance to become a faggot himself. Nobody wants that.’ ‘The child is going to be bullied at school.’ I can go on, but the mere thought makes me sick.