Chapter Six

It was Sunday once again and I didn’t like it one bit. It seemed as if the weeks were going too fast, that every minute passing was a minute less with ms Kennard, even though she was never really with me. It made me hate time for taking everything away. As always lately, Shane was sitting in the comfy chair, a pensive look at her face. There was a silence again and I felt really guilty. Lately, we seemed to talk about nothing else than ms Kennard and my feelings for her. I had no problem talking about Shanes life, but she never brought anything up. Sometimes I hesitated to talk to her, scared that she’d get sick of me and wouldn’t want to hear it anymore. After all, she had Carmen waiting for her, Carmen who brought something so new to Shanes life while I brought her the same old routine. I was surprised when Shane suddenly broke the silence by asking me what it was that I was thinking about that very moment.

“It’s just… there’s so much I don’t know about her and I want to know. I’ll never know what she looks like in the morning when she just woke up, if she’s a morning person or not, I don’t know what makes her smile the most, I don’t know what truly touches her heart. I’ll never be able to touch her, not her hand or her arm or her hair and it’s killing me. I want to know how she feels, what her life is like, what her past is like, if she’s gay or not, if she knows about my feelings for her – sometimes I really think she does, the way she looks at me. I wish that if she knew, she’d come up to me and ask me about it. Granted, I’d be so embarrassed, but I’d know. This uncertainty is killing me. I want to know where she lives and what her house or her apartment looks like. I want to know if she’s in love right now, if she’s single or not, but then again I don’t want to know because if she’d be with someone it would make so desperate, even more so than I already am… and I’ll never ever know how it would have been between us if I hadn’t been a student, her student now. I don’t know where I’d be right now if I hadn’t met her, would I be happier or just as miserable over another person? This impossible love I feel, if it is love, because I don’t know her… does it really matter that much? Is it really such a great part of my life right now? I wish I could put some freaking percentage to it. Would I really feel that different if she hadn’t been there? Am I having these feelings for a reason? Should I realise something? I can’t just wait and see what the future brings, I can’t just sit here and wait because I’m going nuts right now, at this very moment, because I can’t fucking touch her and I’ll never fucking now what her hair smells like and how her lips taste.”