“Well, that’s the clue about anonymous letters… not knowing who they’re from.”

“And I just really can’t tell her myself or give the letter to her myself. If I’m going to study history and English and later I’m on an apprenticeship and I end up with her as my mentor?”

“What are the odds?”

“I know, but still… the chance exists. And if, after I’ve graduated I somehow end up at our current high school and I’m her colleague, will she think it’s over, it was some youth ailment and will I be able to pretend it was just that and the feelings are gone? Can I do that? Will she want to talk to me at all? And sometimes I’m really scared that by then, she’ll be married and have babies, or that she doesn’t even work there anymore. And if that scares me, doesn’t that mean that I’m only going to study history and English because of her and not because I really want to? But if I didn’t want to, I wouldn’t do it in the first place, it really does interest me… and then again, what are the odds of her leaving the school if she’s got a contract? But ms Parker also gave up her job at that other school to come work at ours and she probably had a contract as well, she changed. What is stopping ms Kennard? What’s keeping her at our school? What would get her out of there? And I can’t even fucking ask her!

“On top of all of that… she’s probably straight as an arrow and she’s certainly not a virgin at all. That means she’s had boyfriends at that thought just makes me sick and it brings disgusting images in my head… and I don’t know what to do. My choice of studies, I can’t talk to anyone about my doubts and fears, my true doubts and fears, how scared I am that it’s the wrong one. And I’m so fucking scared that ms Kennard will find out or that she’ll go to another school. And it makes me panick and I can’t get any breath and I want to shout but I can’t, I want to cry and I can’t and I have to pretend, keep on pretending that everything’s fine, that I’m doing so great.