Whats happening to me? Am I just panicking? Is this about the baby? Or am I falling out of love?

A lifetime ago Bette was thinking these things in a similar setting. This time, though, it was all about her. No group, no Tina, no one but Bette. And she was out of her element.

Jesus, I never thought Id be here by myself. Ive been to therapists before – couples therapy with Tina before we got pregnant and some group therapy while we were pregnant. I never really got much out of it, but then I never really put that much into it. I didnt like our first therapist, I thought he was condescending to us and didnt appreciate our situation. I dont like people telling me how I should do things. Ive always been strong, independent, sure of myself, confident in my commitment and my path. I always placed a lot of value on my position as the Director of the CAC. I worked so hard to get there.

What happened? asked the therapist.

Bette hesitates and her eyes well with tears and whispers, I dont know. One day Tina and I are happy, the next things just got so ***** complicated. She resigned from her job and we tried to find a donor – that was hard enough. I wasnt sure we were ready to have children but we talked about it and it seemed like the right thing to do, a natural step. I loved her, I still love her. Then I was spending a lot of time at work and not enough at home, but felt like I had to. I had to make sure my position was strong and that the CAC was successful. All of the sudden, I was worrying about providing not must for me, but for Tina and a baby. I was so scared I would fail, fail Tina and the baby. Fail myself. Fail my father. Bette lets out an exasperated sigh and wipes the tears from her cheeks. It sounds so fucked up.

The therapist waited patiently for Bette to continue.

I was totally wrapped up in my work. I see now that I was unavailable to everyone around me. But at the time, I felt like no one was available to me. Everyone wanted or needed something from me and I wasnt getting anything back. Then, Tina lost the baby. God, she was devastated. I was late for the doctors appointment that day, as usual. When I got there, Tina was gone and the doctor told me…she told me that they couldnt find a heartbeat. I felt like someone was talking to me through a tunnel. I couldnt breathe. I went home to find Tina and she was in the bathroom, crumpled on the floor crying. Shes never clung to me like that before. All I could do was hold her. I couldnt take her pain away, I couldnt make it better, I couldnt provide her with anything that would comfort her, I couldnt will the baby to be alive. Theres no bargaining with death. Im not used to not being able to make things work or make them better.

Then those ***** protesters showed up at my goddamn house! My wife just lost our baby and theyre pounding a sign in my front yard calling me a pornographer. I went outside and they left. When I went back inside to Tina, I didnt tell her what happened. Why would I? It didnt matter. She was devastated. Ive never seen her like that. I pulled her up off the floor and put her to bed. I held her all night and she finally slept. I still had not cried. Tina needed me to be strong for her.

The therapist asked, What did you need, Bette?

I dont know. I needed to scream. I needed to cry, pound the walls, anything. But I felt that if I let go, even a little bit, I would never stop. I was scared of what I felt building in me so I just put it away and put on my A face. One of us had to keep moving or we would both drown. Funny, one of us did move forward and one of us did drown. I never thought the one to drown would be me.

Bette, were out of time. Ill see you next week. Same time?

Bette nodded, feeling empty and gathered her things to go.