It had been a week since her last appointment with the therapist. She was somewhat looking forward to the next one. It was someone to talk to and God knows she needed to talk. She couldnt talk to Tina – she wasnt ready. She couldnt talk to Alice, Dana or Shane. She couldnt talk to Kit. She wouldnt talk to Candace – *****…Candace, Bette thought, “what the *****.”

God, she thought, I am so tired. Bette wandered through the house, roaming from room to room. She didnt avoid their bedroom anymore. It was Tuesday morning. The sun had risen on another day. Another day without Tina, she thought. Bette turned on the CD player in an effort to cut the empty silence in the house. Goddamnit – bad choice, she thought as the mellow sounds of the Indigo Girls Moment of Forgiveness, poured out of the speakers. Baby, I woke up crying last night just to realize that you were goneBettes pace slowedTell me, when are you gonna come homeBette stopped in the hallGuess I was hoping, that you would finally understandBette slid down the wall and put her head in her handsand in a moment of forgivenessand the tears started to fallyoud reach out and take my hand. What have I done? Bette sobbed. God, Tina, please she whispered to no one.

Bette thought of the last time Tina had reached for her hand and pushed that memory away. But it wouldnt go away. The images kept coming back and the feelings were more complicated now than they were that night. I lost control Bette told herself. She allowed the memories to run rampant through her mind and saw everything unfold like a kaleidoscope in her minds eye. Tina standing up to her, telling her she knew, hitting her, screaming ***** you over and over. Her pushing Tina onto the bed, turning her over and ripping her dress. I was desperate. Desperate to explain the impossible, desperate to take her pain away, desperate not to lose her, desperate to hold her. Then Tina, on top of her, biting her, expressing the sheer depth of her own emotional anguish in such a physical manner, wanting, loving and hating Bette at the same time. They were both crying and at the end spent – emotionally and physically. Then Tina left.

Bette sat in the hall and wept. Sorry for herself, sorry for what she had done to her life, but more importantly, sorry for what she had done to Tina at a level she had never felt before. The tears would not stop. Wondering how she had lost control. She had no idea how long she had been there, but she finally wiped her face and got up. She walked into the bathroom and looked in the mirror. Her eyes were swollen and red, sunken in her cheeks – Jesus, she thought, I wish I could sleep. But what right did she have to the peace that sleep offered? Bette got in the shower, dressed and left for work. Praying that some semblance of normalcy would help her get through the day.

Another day without Tina.