The day she found out that I was pregnant, it was one of the best nights of our lives.  I knew our lives would be changed forever. The look on her face was priceless, she was shocked initially as she still believed that good things never happened to her.  Then tears of joy slowly trickled down, she hugged me so tight that I couldn’t breathe!  She was so attentive the whole night, always touching my belly, checking on me. She even put her head on my belly to listen to the baby’s heart beat, until I pointed out to her that the heart hadn’t been formed yet! She just smirked and said it never hurt to try!

I swore I had everything that could possibly have during the first 3 months, from morning sickness to mood swings, constant urge to pee to constant eating for two!  Shane never got annoyed or raised her voice at me.  Every time I looked at her, her eyes were full of admiration and love always. Just a look from her made me forgot how uncomfortable pregnancy made me and every thing I went through was justified – because of her.

My water broke two weeks before the due date.  She took me to the hospital immediately.  It was scary.  They told me that I needed an emergency c-section.  Shane was holding my hand all the time.  I felt safe.  She took care of the paper work and the next thing I knew I was falling asleep.

When I woke up, Shane was holding baby Sofia in her arms, talking to her softly, although she couldn’t possibly understood what she was telling her.  I had never seen her smile so content before.  I thought she would be the best mum anyone one could hope for.  I knew it.

How did we get here? She barely looks at me now.  Have I gained so much weight that she couldn’t even look at me?

Shane pulls herself together and picks up Sofia from the bed. 

“Do you want some milk, my baby girl?”  She smiles at her like it was the first time she laid eyes on her, her gaze is ever so gentle.

I watched her putting some milk powder in the milk bottle, then adding some hot water to dissolve the powder.  She tested the temperature of the milk on her wrist before feeding her.  She has done this many times before.  I am mesmerized by the pair.

She placed her in a pram after feeding her.  She soon fell asleep again.  Shane sat down at the porch, watching her sleep.

The sadness in her eyes return.  “Baby, how could you leave me in a world without you?  Tell me how I am supposed to do?  I love you so much, Carmen. I love you so much…”  she says and breaks down once again.

Fuck! It occurred to me for the first time. Am I dead?