Destroying Angel 2

Let’s dance for fear
your grace should fall
Let’s dance for fear tonight is all….

Ch 2

Somewhere, anywhere, everywhere. I feel it in the air around me. I feel her and the truth that she seemed to know about me. What did she learn in those weeks? Had I betrayed something? Had I shown her a dark side to me? Did she hear me cry in my sleep? Did she notice when I got up out of her warm embrace and walked around at night…searching for something? Did it freak her out…….did she know the real me?

And who am I really?

I have to admit that this is all new to me. I didn’t know how to handle how bad her leaving made me feel. I walked up and down the Vegas strip comforted in the thought that I felt no fleeting feeling of familiarity. How to describe a place I had never been too: Vegas is bright and loud and lewd. I drank from a bottle in paper bag. Elvis everywhere I turned. Fake mirages, colorful waterfalls, bums, tourists, such a beautiful machine……….Oh yes let me not forget the palm tress and dry heat.

I came to the conclusion three days into being here that everything about my life was all wrapped in her. It had to be. It had to be that way because of the simple fact that she connected me. I was crashing and burning just like the shrink said I would.

 The sky was filled light so bright, it hurt my drunken eyes.

I could have been rational about it. I could have accepted Carmen leaving as just that. I could have said to myself that she left because our tropical fantasy was over. She left because she had a life to get back to, or I just didn’t do it for her anymore. I didn’t have to feel so strong for a woman I didn’t know. A woman I met by chance. But there was something. Something I couldn’t get out of feeling. Fragments of metal floated in my head, well maybe not floated but lodged…..those pieces made me new but Carmen in those few moments made me feel…..whole, right……attached….yes attached. I was attached to a world. Our world of smashed up feeling.