She began to get her confidence back when she became the assistant director of a small community based non-profit art center. The salary was small but working for the Art Alliance Center  was at last something she loved doing. The center allowed her to pull in all her strengths. She started out as a volunteer for this company. The AAC provided a positive outlet for the expression of their struggles. Many of these disadvantaged kids who had artistic talent but no resources.  She was amazed and inspired by these kids and their raw talent. Since joining she was able to bring in several volunteer art instructors. She was able to develop a collaborative relationship between the program and with the students at Bette’s university. She assisted in writing grants and was even able to secure a small grant from the Peabody foundation without letting the foundation know she was behind the organization.

She began to get her professional swagger back but her personal life remained deeply at a void and a self imposed sabbatical.  For now she preferred it that way. She was flattered by some of the attention given to her by the director and founder of the Center, by the participants, male and female but she was not allowing herself to be open to love, sex or heartbreak. The directory, Amy was a fairly attractive, soft butch with a heart of gold. Helena just did not feel like crossing the line. In some ways Amy reminded her of Dylan. The pain was too palpable. She wasn’t ready to blur the lines of love and business again. She just wasn’t ready for the disappointments that love seemed to be bringing her.

Her confidence in the matters of the heart was non-existent. Alice encouraged her to “just fuck” and she did that on a couple of occasions with one night stands but this never felt right for her. She longed for something more. She longed to feel safe mentally and emotionally. She longed for a relationship that challenged and satisfied her mentally, emotionally, spiritually and sexually. The one night stands, albeit enjoyable for that moment, left her empty. Rather that waking up and rolling over to the embarrassment of, “Who the fuck are you? What is your name again? I didn’t hear it over all that loud music”. She decided it was best to concentrate on her work. She still believed in love but she wasn’t looking for it and was happy to devote her time and energy into developing and growing the Center. She knew how Amy felt about her and it seemed that Amy had moved on and was busy entertaining of the student mentors from Bette’s university.

One of the most positive by product of working at the Center was working closer with Bette on various projects. She had developed a collaboration with Bette’s university which brought in instructors and student who acted as  mentors for the kids in the community. They spent several hours together on various issues, matching the right student to the right AAC participant. Getting visiting professors to spend time with the kids sharing their experience was one of the great benefits her ties to Bette. Bette was great about showcasing the kids’ works to the local community and to the art community at large.

She looked forward to these meetings and found herself lost at times staring at the beauty that was Bette. She had studied everything about Bette. She admired her tremendously. Her drive, her intelligence, her incomprehensible beauty was unique and refreshing. It was often distracting to work with Bette, the smell of her hair, her perfume, the way she walked and of course that million dollar smile that would usually melt the hardest of hearts. Although she had known Bette for years and felt she was attractive, it was now in working with her that Helena began to see so much more. She understood what must have made Tina come back looking for that earring. She would have done the same thing however back then in the height of her confidence and swagger she would have probably left behind a thong. But she had to shake those thoughts from her mind. Bette was not available and frankly neither was she. She was just not ready for what loving Elizabeth Porter or any one else could mean. She was comfortable in their relationship as it was, safe and professional. Or at least that is what she had convinced herself.