Driving
Chapter 2

Oh honey Im sorry, Diane said, barely stifling a laugh. I did leave you a message though.
Tina gave her mother a look and a smirk. They were sitting in a restaurant in town and the soft lighting and the music playing in the background were soothing to Tina. She was enjoying a margarita and Diane was sipping a glass of white wine. The atmosphere and the alcohol were helping her lose a layer of tension. She couldnt lose it all, though, because her mother still hadnt asked anything about Bette or why Tina had come for this sudden visit, and she knew that was ahead. The wound from Bette was still raw and, God, what were they gonna say to each other? It made her head pound to think about it.
Tina hadnt been out of the house much in the week she was with Alice. She hadnt wanted to see anyone, or explain why she was an emotional wreck, or where Bette was. It had been just too much to face. Alice had told Shane and Dana what was going on and they had come to console her and bring take-out food. She had called Oscar and told him she wouldnt be in for a while because of a family emergency. He had pressed her a little, out of concern, but shed told him she was going to her mothers house for a while and shed call him when she got back.
Tonight she felt those scenes were behind her, and far away. She was out of LA and it was nice to be doing something normal like eating dinner in a restaurant. She drifted back into the conversation as her mother was saying,
Marys a great person. She was probably mortified though, shes quiet and shy.
Yeah, I could tell, Tina said. I did apologize, more than once, I think.
Diane continued, Im glad you met her though, I wanted to introduce you two anyway.
Oh?
Uh-huh. Shes a *****.
Tina looked at her mother over her margarita glass. So we all have to know each other?
Diane smiled, No, thats not what I meant. Its just that its easy to feel isolated around here, there isnt a huge ***** community like you have in LA.
Tina nodded slowly, still smiling at her mother.
Besides, shes had a tough time. Her partner moved away for some great job and that was it for the relationship.
Tinas stomach tightened. Thats too bad.
So, all Im saying is it would be nice if you were friendly to her while you were here. Youll like her too, shes very interesting – shes a sculptor.
Tina nodded. She wondered if she could order another margarita without her mother raising an eyebrow.
Diane took a sip of wine. Gee, honey, I just realized, I havent even asked about Bette. How is she?
Tinas mind snapped back into the conversation at the same time that her stomach dropped. Her brain reeled – should she tell her mother what was going on, or just put it off?
She put it off. Bette? Oh, shes fine.
Diane had noticed the stricken look on her daughters face and her brisk reply, and realized that there might be some other reason for her daughters visit. Should she pursue it, or put it off?
She put it off. Good, Im glad to hear it.

Back in LA, Alices cell phone was ringing again.
Bette! What a surprise, she said dryly.
Very funny. The surprise is you answered.
If I talk to you now will you take my number out of re-dial rotation for a while?
Maybe. Ok, yes. I just want to reach Tina and I cant.
Theres probably a reason for that.
Bette ignored her. Therere some things I need to say to her.
Alice sighed. Well, I havent seen her.
Why not? What do you mean?
I mean I havent seen her.
Shes not staying with you anymore? Bettes voice tightened.
Not right now.
It was Bettes turn to sigh. Alice, why are you even trying to be evasive? You know you cant lie and you have never kept a secret, so tell me where she is.
*****, Alice thought. Tina didnt leave me any instructions about this.
I I dont know what she wants and look, I dont wanna be in the middle here. Alices left hand was flailing in the air as she spoke.
Silence.
Ok Bette said quietly. When you talk to her, tell her I really need to speak to her. I just want to talk andIll tell her the rest myself.
Alice couldnt be sure but she thought she heard Bettes voice break just at the end.
Ok, Ill put that on the list of the hundred other things Im supposed to say to her.
Gimme a break, Bette was annoyed now.
Yeah listen I gotta go. Bye. Alice hung up quickly, not even waiting for Bette to say good-bye.
Bette lowered the phone from her ear and stared at it a moment.
She hung up on me.
She used to feel like she was the grown up in the bunch and now she felt like a child being ostracized on the playground. They had all seemed to circle around Tina, protectively. Alice had told her, Its really hard to be your friend right now.
Bette felt she must at least try to talk to Tina. Theyd had no contact for a week, even though Bette had called Tina once and Alice five hundred times. And Kit. Shed talked to Kit.
She wasnt ready to give up yet this morning. She pressed the next button for speed dial.
Shane, do you know where Tina is? Bette said, skipping the pleasantries.
Bette. Shane rolled her eyes. Oooo, I wish I could tell you.
You dont know? Or, you wish you tell me?
Yeah,
What, did everyone take evasive language lessons or something? Bette fumed.
Shane smiled. Oh, my client just walked in – Ill catch you later, Bette.

After dinner, on the way home in the car, Diane took advantage of the darkness and the lack of eye contact to bring up Bette again.
Honey, she drew out the word with her voice. I couldnt help noticing that when I asked about Bette your expression completely changed.
Tinas eyes closed involuntarily. ***** she thought. She took a deep breath. Oh well Tina could feel the now-familiar tide of tears welling up inside her.
I know it isnt my place to ask, but Im worried about you. Did something happen between you two?
Tina could not speak. All of her energy was focused on not breaking down.
Diane glanced quickly at her daughter and knew the answer to her question. She reached over and put her hand on Tinas thigh. Tina began to cry.
The streetlight ahead of them turned yellow and Diane slowed down. She pressed her lips together as she put on the brakes. She was thankful for a chance to stop. At the red light she found a package of tissues in the storage compartment and handed them to Tina.
Its Ok, honey. Just cry if you need to.
It was several minutes before either of them said anything.
Were not together, Tina said softly.
Ohhhhh, Diane wanted to know everything immediately, but she fought the urge to begin asking questions. She began to form a list of possible reasons in her head. The miscarriage was number one.
When did this happen?
Last week. She said, sobbing.
Ohhhhhh.
Diane could contain herself no longer. Was it the loss of the baby?
Tina exhaled sharply.
More like the loss of fidelity.
Ohhhhh,
Stop saying that!
Sorry honey. Im just trying to take in the news.
There was a long pause as Diane thought of what she could say and Tina thought about how she could regain her composure. She looked away from her mother and out the passenger window and tried to regulate her breathing.
Diane decided not to ask any more questions right now. The light turned green. She made the decision to take a longer way home to allow them some more time in the car. Im sorry, honey. You must be so hurt, she said. I understand why you wanted to get away.
Tina didnt speak.
You know, when your father left, I felt like I shrunk overnight. Literally – like I was suddenly this tiny human being in the world. It was a big blow to my self-esteem.
Tina turned her head slowly to look at her mother. She nodded slightly. She couldnt find the words to say, but in that moment she knew that her mother understood her heartbreak and it comforted her.
Diane felt warmth in the air between them and her own eyes began to tear up. She sniffled.
Oh God, I cant drive and cry.
Tina pulled out a tissue from the package her mother had given her earlier and handed it to her.
Thank you.
Tina was facing front again and slumped back in the passenger seat. Her head was swimming with thoughts.
Mom, did you know he was going to leave? I mean could you feel something was wrong?
Hmmm at the time if felt like it came out of the blue. Later, when I thought about it, I could see that there had been signs. He was at work all the time and unhappy when he did come home. We didnt talk to each other very well, I can see now. I put a lot of blame on myself then, though.
Tina took in her mothers words. She felt a pang of recognition after she heard : We didnt talk to each other very well.
Diane continued, I was so hurt and so, so angry. I felt like he left, but he took my life with him too. I mean the life I knewthe one I thought we had together.
Tina felt her mothers words beating straight into her heart. She closed her eyes and her breathing got shallow.
Diane glanced over at Tina. Oh, honey I dont mean to upset you. I talk too much.
Tina kept her eyes closed. No, its OK, its good.
I wish I could press a button and change it for you honey.
Soft tears came again to Tina and her head ached. Thanks Mom, she said in a whisper.
They were almost home. Diane resolved to do whatever she could to help her hurting child and to give her a safe haven as long as she needed it.
If you want to talk about it, whenever, honey, Im here to listen.
Tina nodded.
And you know that Ill talk, no matter what. Diane smiled at her daughter.

That night Tina slept fitfully. Towards morning she had a nightmare that Candace kept appearing in her house. She would run past Tina or appear in a doorway and Tina would chase her out and lock the door and close the windows and she would re-appear. Finally, Tina sat up in bed and tried to shake off the sleep. She pulled her knees up and lowered her head to rest against them. Nightmares were worse when you were sleeping alone.
When she and Bette were together, if she had a nightmare, she would move up against Bette to feel her warmth. Gradually the fear would subside and she would sleep again. Most of the time Bette never woke up. One time she was telling Bette about a nightmare shed had and she told her about how she curled up next to her to calm down. Bette had smiled at her and put her hand on her cheek, I do the same thing to you, Baby.
The memory of that moment came back to Tina now and filled her with loneliness. She sighed heavily and reached to turn on the lamp. She propped up her pillow and lay there until the sun rose and filled the room with a soft haze of light.