Dawn was an hour away for Bette and though she wanted her restless night to end she didnt want to start another day. She let out one exasperated sigh and kicked the covers off. She sat up quickly and her head spun.
Whoa, she said out loud. Shed had three drinks the night before and her body was not
used to it. It had been more than a week since that night. Flashbacks had visited her asleep
and awakeTinas faceTina hitting hertheir struggle. Pangs of shame came to her when she
remembered her own behavior. ***** she said to no one.
Last night she had driven all around the city. She couldnt reach anyone on the phone, and she couldnt face her empty home, so she just stayed in her car and drove. There was lots of company on the roads in L.A., even if the other people were inside their cars. Finally she had stopped into the Planet trolling for company. She was hoping to run into Alice and Shane and Dana, but she didnt. Where were they? Marina waved, but kept herself busy behind the bar. Bette left and made the rounds at a few other places, but found no familiar faces. She drank and talked and flirted to stave off the hurt and loneliness that was weighing on her more each day. In the end, she chose to go home alone.
Bette had a vague memory of dialing Tinas number when she got home. Did I leave a message? she wondered. Jeez, the drinks I She was afraid she had said something wrong, something drunkenly stupid, and that was not how she wanted to sound to Tina. She wanted to talk to her so much. God, she wanted to be in the same room with her and see her face and she so wanted to hold Tina. She wanted to feel her and to smell her. With her eyes closed she could almost imagine it.
Bette rose slowly from the bed, still lightheaded, and took careful steps to the closet. Tinas closet. She opened the door but didnt turn on the light. Her hand reached for a shirt and pulled it to her face. It smelled like detergent. She reached for another. There it was. She inhaled the scent of Tina. Bette stood there in the darkest hour before the sun rose with her face buried in her loves shirt, tears in her eyes and a deep dread inside her that she would never hold this woman again.


The phone rang and startled Tina from her early morning daze. Would Bette call her now? Here? No, Bette didnt even know she was here. Her body was tense as the second ring was cut short. She waited to hear something. Too hard to wait. She got up and left the bedroom and started down the hall toward the kitchen. In the kitchen she could hear her mothers muted voice coming from her bedroom. It sounded cheerful and light. She heard her laugh and say, honey.
Its Wayne, Tina said to herself. Suddenly she felt stupid and self-absorbed to think that the phone call wouldve been for her. Or did she somehow want it to be Bette? She sighed and turned on the light. She was turning her attention to the coffee maker when she heard a door open down the hall and her mothers voice got louder and clearer, followed by the sound of Lobos paw steps coming down the hall.
Oh no, really? Diane said. She rounded the corner and her face lit into a smile when she saw Tina. She waved. Tina smiled and raised her hand to return the greeting.
Im in the kitchen, honey and Tinas here. Yes. She tilted the phone down. Wayne says hi. Tina smiled, Hey Wayne.
Tina says hey – that means good morning in L.A, Diane said.
Tina rolled her eyes.
Oh, she rolled her eyes at me. Its too early for teasing, Diane smiled at her daughter.
She looks great and I love, love having her here.
Tinas turn to smile. Diane motioned her away from the coffee maker and she watched her mother talk and make coffee. Shes happy, Tina thought and she was glad for her mother. Tina was fond of Wayne, and he and Diane suited each other.
Tina walked to the window in the living room and Lobo padded along behind her. Good morning, Lobo. She stopped to pat the dog and then took its head in her hands. Hows my pal today? The dog licked her face and she laughed.
She caught a glimpse of her cell phone charging in the outlet near the hallway. The cell phone was so much a part of her life, she rarely went anywhere without it and yet she hadnt carried it all day yesterday. Shed been more out of it than she realized.
Tina walked over and unplugged the phone from the charger and saw the voicemail symbol light up. Six calls, three voicemails. She scrolled through the listing: Alice, Bette, Alice, Shane, Bette, Bette. She pushed the voicemail button and listened.
Alice: Tina, you know people die on highways regularly. Can you let me know if you got there, please?
Alice: Bettes dialing my phone number like an obsessive/compulsive and I dont know what to tell her or not tell her. Let me know, OK?
Shane: Hey Tina. Just checkin in. Gimme a call, Ok? Bye for now.
Bette: T II just wanted to talk. I cant find you andI just want toto talk.
Tina re-played the message again and then a third time. Her voice is slurred? Tina thought. Could she be drunk? Bette? She was deep in thought about this when Diane called from the kitchen: Coffees ready.
Tina didnt move and Diane poked her head out of the kitchen. Honey? The coffees ready.
Tina looked up slowly, Umok.
Are you alright? Diane asked.
Theres a message from Bette on my cell phone. She wants to talk to me.
Diane thought for a moment, Do you want to talk to her?
I dont knowyes and no, Tina said.
Diane nodded sympathetically.
Did you have a chance to talk much before you left? Diane asked.
Tina looked down, her face coloring with the memory of their last night together.
No, she said quietly.
Hmm well, you probably have a thing or two to say to each other then.
Tina looked away. Im still so angry. I cant forgive her.
Thats understandable. To tell you the truth honey, Im angry with her too because Im your mother and she hurt you. In my opinion, forgiveness is a long way down the road, Diane waved her hand through the air for emphasis. But you wont get anywhere if you dont talk.
Tina looked at her mother and Diane saw clouds come into Tinas eyes.
Diane shook her head, Oh, Ive said too much.
Nono, its OK.
Diane smiled. Why dont we have our coffee and some cinnamon toast and after that we can figure out everything.
Everything?
Well, todays everything. How does that sound?
A small smile came to Tinas face and she started toward the kitchen, with Lobo leading the way.
By the time Diane left for work, Tina had decided to call Bette. You wont get all your questions answered in one phone call, Diane had warned her. Tina knew her mother was right. Even through her anger, Tina knew that she wanted some connection with Bette.
Bette was standing before the mirror in the bathroom when she thought she heard her cell phone ring. She opened the door and listened. The cell phone rang on her bedside table. She crossed the hall and picked it up to look at the number. Her mouth fell open.
T, she said.
She sat on the bed, still staring at the number as the phone rang again. She was nervous, her thoughts racing, Should I answer it or let it go to voicemail? No, she might not leave a message. *****. OK. Ok. Answer.
T?
Yeah, Tina said tensely.
HiIuh, Im surprised to hear from you.
I got your message.
Bette closed her eyes and thought, *****, I did leave a message.
Oh, yeah, Bette said. To be honestI dont remember what I said on the message, but Ive really wanted to talk to you.
You dont remember? Tina asked.
Bette took a deep breath. She felt exposed and braced herself for what Tina might say next.
Bette, were you drunk? Tina asked, with some disbelief in her voice.
Stay honest, Bette thought. I had a few drinks last night.
Wow, Tinas was genuinely surprised, Thats not like you.
Bettes heart jumped at the familiarity of her voice and the concern she thought she heard.
No, I guess not, Bette.
But then, youve been doing a lot of things lately you didnt do before, Tina said.
It was a dig and Bette felt it. She tried to contain her temper.
I think we need to talk, T. Can we meet somewhere?
No, Tina was brusque, and then she decided not to play games. Im not in LA.
Youre not?
Im at my mothers house, Tina said curtly.
Oh, Bette said with some surprise in her voice. Kind of a clich, isnt it, T? Going home to mother?
Tina was silent.
I meant that as a joke.
Yeah.
Silence.
Finally Bette said quickly, I miss you.
Dont start there Bette, Tina said.
Bette sighed. I guess I dont know where to start.
Well, my big question is why?, Tina said, feeling the anger rising in her. Why her? Why now? Why??
Bettes temper flared, Well I sure as ***** cant start there, Tina. Thats a ***** huge question, and I dont have an answer.
Well, work on it then, because thats where the conversation starts for me. Tina said.
Bette sighed in exasperation. This is not where she wanted this conversation to go and yet, here they were. All the warmth, the love and longing that she was feeling for Tina she could not express to her. She closed her eyes again to try and calm down. Her head was throbbing.
T sorry I lost my temper.
Tina was still angry, still churning. She didnt answer.
Bette continued slowly, Im so glad you called. Youyou dont know. Can we talk later? Maybe I can collect my thoughts and have a better conversation.
Tina felt angry words caught in her throat. She shook her head. She wanted this conversation to be over now. Yeah, bye.
Bye, T.
Tina hung up. *****. You. Bette.
______________________________________________________________________________
When Bette arrived at work James told her that Candace was in the gallery. It took Bette by surprise and she said too quickly and too forcefully, What?
James hurried to explain, Shes here to fix those pillars and make the adjustments to the screen.
Ohright. OK.
Bette walked to her office, not wanting to see Candace and feeling nervous and caught off-balance. Forty minutes later there was a soft knock on her door. Her stomach tightened.
Dammit, she thought. Come in, she said abruptly.
The door opened and Candaces face appeared.
Hi, she said casually. Just thought Id let you know, Im finished with the repairs.
Great, Bette said.
Candace was all the way in her office now and heading for Bettes desk with the door closed behind her. Bette remained seated behind her desk. Candace stopped for a minute, waiting for Bette to say something. When she didnt Candace leaned over the desk, looked directly in Bettes eyes and said softly, Can I see you?
A wave of heat went through Bettes body and her cheeks flushed crimson. She averted her eyes.
AhThatll be hard.
Oh, Candace said, drawing the word out slightly.
Bette didnt know what to do and she didnt like that feeling. She took a deep breath.
Trouble at home, she said finally.
Candaces face looked startled. Tina knows?
The air was sucked from the room and Bette grabbed the edge of her desk. She tried to breathe once, then twice. Yeah, she gasped.
Are you alright? Candace said coming around the desk and standing next to Bette.
Bette didnt answer. She closed her eyes for a moment, took a full breath at last and said,
I cant see you now.
Candace nodded and took a step backward. There was a long moment of silence.
Ok. She walked slowly back around to the front of the desk, still watching Bette.
Ill be thinking of you, Candace said.
Bette looked up and their eyes met.
You have my number if you change your mind. She smiled warmly, turned and walked out of the office.
Bette was swimming in a whirlpool of adrenaline and heat and guilt. What the ***** do I do now?