“I know how you’re feeling…”, Carmen whispers staring at me concerned.

I shake my head, again.

“No, Carm, you don’t”.

“I do”, she replies immediately, matter-of-factly, and I watch her straight in the eyes. She looks serious and calm.

“One year ago, seeing you in that shed, aiming that gun at John Sanders, I felt guilty. I felt like I was the only to blame. You were having a nervous breakdown and I wasn’t there for you”.

“No, Carm”, I repeat, “It’s not the same thing. I shot Dante”.

“You didn’t shoot him on purpose”.

“It doesn’t matter. I almost killed him”, I exclaim in a dry sob.

Carmen frowns again.

“Shane…”, she whispers caressing my cheek, “…Dante is not dead. He’s fine. That shotgun didn’t touch any vital organ. Doctor Breillard told us that the operation went well, they removed the bullets, he is a big guy, very strong and he’s going to be fine. That’s all, and you have to deal with it”.

“What if I killed him?”, I ask her furiously, “What if I fucking killed him, Carm?”.

Carmen sighs heavily, pursing her lips and shaking her head.

“Life is not made of what ifs, Shane. You can’t live this way. You’ll never forgive yourself if you live this way. Dante is fine, he’s not angry at you at all, he’s your friend and he would be pissed to know that you’re blaming yourself for something that’s not even happened”.

“I don’t know!”, I reply abruptly, throwing my hands in the air in frustration, “I don’t know if he’s mad at me! Maybe he is!”.

Carmen blinks her eyelids.

“You’re right. You don’t know. And you know why?”.

She gets up and walks to the window. She stares at the sunny afternoon caressing the backyard.

“Because you decided not to talk to him anymore. You just avoided him. And you’re so doing the wrong thing, Shane”.

I run my hands on my face, inhaling a long breath.

“I’m ashamed”.

“For what?”, Carmen exclaims, turning back to me.

I don’t reply. I can’t. Because I know that she’s right.

Carmen sits beside me on the couch and caresses my hair.

“Go to him. Talk to him. You’ll feel better. Believe me. What I know, is that he is not mad at you at all. To be honest, he doesn’t even understand why you didn’t show up at the hospital, yet…”.

Her voice tender, sweet. Her voice that means everything to me and sounds like a conscience. That conscience I refuse to acknowledge sometimes.

Carmen.

“Carmen…”, I murmur.

“Yeah…”, she replies under her breath, staring at me with the sweetest smile.

“…I love you so much”, I sigh.

She giggles.

“God, I love you too, Shane. I do love you. But I need you to take care of yourself, to do what’s best for yourself. You don’t need to run anymore. I’m here for you. We’re all here for you… Even Dante”.

“I know”, I nod.

“Fine. Will you talk to him?”, she asks me, quietly.

I try hard to smile, just a little, just for her.

“…I’ll talk to him”.

Carmen cups my face and kisses me, lovingly, slowly and deeply.

“…You know what? I’ll pay a visit to him immediately”, I whisper against her lips.

She takes my hand and places it on her breast. I can feel her hardened nipple through the smooth fabric of the sheet.

“…The visiting time starts in almost two hours…”, she whispers back, “…In the meantime, you could do that thing again…”.

“Which thing?”, I giggle silently.

Carmen runs her tongue on my lips.

“…You know… That thing you do with your tongue…”.

She’s trying to ease my tension and it’s working.

I smile.

“Aaaaw…. That thing…”, I say, “…Let’s go back to bed, then…”.

Carmen unwraps the sheet and it slides around her, on the couch. Her naked body appears in front of my eyes in all its mesmerizing beauty.

“…Mmm…Why don’t we stay here, instead?”.

”That’s the best – and that’s the test in it
That’s the doubt – the doubt, the trust in it
That’s the sight – and that’s the sound of it
That’s the gift – and that’s the trick in it
You’re the truth, not I, you’re the truth, not I
You’re the truth, not I, you’re the truth, not I”*

End Flashback

TBC

**
SOUNDTRACK:
* “Twenty Years” (Placebo)