CHAPTER 8

As soon as she sees the picture, she removes her hands from my shoulders and moves a step back. I get up instantaneously and turn my head to her. Carmen looks horrified, most of all. But also, clueless. And that’s what hurts me the most. I try to open my mouth, I try to say something, anything, to explain, to make that look into her eyes go away, but I can’t. My mouth opens and closes soundlessly.

Carmen starts shaking her head, slowly, and now her face looks betrayed and martyred. She swallows hard and, when she speaks, her voice comes out croaky and broken.

“Shane…”, she says, her eyes moving frantically from me to the picture to the wall behind my shoulders to the floor and then again to the kitchen table where the photograph of my shame is placed.

Again, I open my mouth. Again I lick my lips anxiously and try to come nearer to her and again she moves a step back, hurting the kitchen counter behind her shoulders.

“Shane…”, she repeats, pointing her finger at the photograph, “…What’s… What’s that…”. Her hand is shaking.

I inhale a shaking breath.

“Carmen, please, listen to me, I can explain…”, I murmur showing her the palms of my hands in an unconditional surrender.

“I am listening…”, she says weakly, painfully, her eyes already glimmering with tears, “…I am listening, I am… trying to understand”.

I rub my forehead in desperation.

“It’s been a long time ago”.

“What?”, she tilts her head to a side and looks at me like I’m stabbing her. And I understand that the reason is that, somehow, I am giving her a confirmation of some sorts about what she’s looking at.

I swallow hard and I can feel the sweat cooling on the nape of my neck.

“Why aren’t you telling me that what I see is not what it seems to be?”, she moans in pain.

My mouth is completely dry and I feel on the verge of a panic attack. No panic, I say to myself. No panic, Shane.

“It’s not what it looks like, Carmen… There is something I didn’t tell you”.

Her hands clutch to the kitchen counter, her arms are shaking violently just like her voice.