From: PorterB @ CalArtsCtr.com
21 May 2004 8:31 am
Chris,
I cant explain the ice cream. Ive never seen Tina eat that combination. Dont blame LA for that concoction.
I will send flowers. I just hope you arent in the path when she hurls them across the room. Youve given me hope by saying that Tina is talking of returning home.
Bette.

From: PorterB @ CalArtsCtr.com
21 May 2004 5:35pm
Chris,
I guess Ive come to rely on these emails from you, as you are my only link to Tina. Ive checked all day expecting one and am concerned. I hope you arent passed out after being hit over the head with a glass vase.
Is it a good sign if one can make humor in the midst of the devastation of ones life?
Hoping you are okay,
Bette

From: ChristineK @ NoISP.com
21 May 2004 10:14pm
Bette,
Sorry I havent written today. I had exams to grade and return. When I arrived home, the flowers from you were on the dining table. Tina acknowledged that you sent them and that they were lovely. She invited me to read your card, I hope you dont mind. I thought it was a good plan to simply stick with saying that you were thinking of her always.
I dont know how she reacted when she got the flowers as I wasnt home at the time.
Chris

From: ChristineK @ NoISP.com
22 May 2004 1:39 am
Bette,
Tina and I talked for a while tonight. She admitted to me that she still loves you, but I dont think she is anywhere near the forgiving you stage. She did reminisce a bit about your years together and she told me of many good memories as well as a few bad memories.
I am curious, if you dont mind my asking. It sounds like there were problems long before the miscarriage or the affair. When do you think that things started going wrong with you and Tina?
On a lighter note, when did she start eating apple slices with grape jam?
Chris

From: PorterB @ CalArtsCtr.com
22 May 2004 7:59 am
Chris,
Being back in the south seems to have done odd things to Tinas sense of taste as I have never witnessed this concoction either. Perhaps she ate these things when I was not around as she knew I would have made fun of her tastes.
Ive thought about your question since I read your email at 3am. Truthfully, I think our problems began when I took the job at CAC. I gave up my independence in exchange for financial security. Having spent the entire night thinking about it, I realize that I never realized how much it bothered me. I lost a piece of myself when I gave up the gallery. Granted, in return I gained a certain measure of security, but how do you put a price on independence? If I had known how difficult it would be to answer to a board of pompous ***** directors, I know now, that I never would have taken the job.
At the time, Tina and I had begun thinking about having a family. I wanted to provide financial security for a family and an art gallery isnt secure. Granted, mine was successful, but a gallery is always vulnerable to so many extraneous factors.
I suppose that I began internalizing even more after I began at the CAC. Perhaps, on some level, I blamed Tina for what I had lost by taking that job. I know that is foolish as it was my choice, but I can no longer claim not to be foolish.
After Tina stopped working, it became worse. I felt so much pressure as the sole wage earner in the home. Again, I was foolish as Tina and I had saved and prepared for her to stop working in order to be a mother. Nevertheless, the realities of braces, summer camps, clothes, all seemed so overwhelming. How do I say that against the fact that I put my job on the line to get Provocations? I have figured out that part as of yet.
In short, I made some decisions with which I was not happy. Rather than sharing that with Tina, I began taking out my unhappiness on Tina. I guess that I could do so because I knew it was safe: that she would love me no matter what an ***** I was whereas, the rest of the world would throw me out on my ***** for being such as *****. I suspect one could sum that as taking her for granted?
Perhaps, the nutshell version is simply that I am a fool.
If you can do so, let her know that this fool loves her,
Bette.

From: ChristineK @ NoISP.com
22 May 2004 3:22 pm
Bette,
It sounds as if you have done a lot of soul searching. I think that your partner is doing likewise. I was commenting this morning about the stupid answers my students put on their exams and she responded that stupidity is sometimes a two-way street. So, either she is saying that I am a lousy professor or, she is beginning to think about where your relationship took a nose dive.
Take care,
Chris