Chapter 6

Bette woke to the sound of pots and pans banging together coupled with the sound of Donna Kennard’s voice. Bette rolled over glancing at the clock, grimacing at the early morning hour. The sun had barely announced the day and already Bette dreaded what waited for her given the commotion in the kitchen.

“Who starts breakfast at 6:30 in the morning?”

Bette looked over to Tina’s side of the bed and realized quickly that Tina wasn’t in bed; she was now talking to herself.

“What the hell?” Bette said getting up and stretching her muscles, tired from the night before. “Am I that pathetic that I’m seduced with a trashy Harlequin novel and now I’m talking to myself?”

Bette opened her closet door and took out her favorite pair of Levis and a Yale t-shirt, opting for bare feet in the heat of the summer. She piled her curls on the top of her head and splashed water on her face before opening the door and braving what she thought would be the picture in the kitchen.

“I think the conversation ruined me for life,” Alice said as she snickered and popped another piece of muffin in her mouth. “Lenore gave way too much detail and said it was for my own good, so I wouldn’t try to jump away when I saw the one-eyed snake.”

Bette rubbed her eyes as she stood in the entranceway to the kitchen, determined to blink as many times as she had to in order to convince herself that she wasn’t dreaming and indeed her kitchen was full at 6:30 in the morning.

“Well mornin’ Sugah Plum,” Alice said using her own version of a Southern twang.

“Hey Babe,” Tina smiled at Bette struggling to wake up. “How did you sleep?”

“Fine,” Bette walked over to the counter where coffee mugs were lined up for all to choose one and begin their day with a hot cup of coffee.

“Well that makes one of us,” Jackie said struggling to hide her smile. “There were so many strange noises in the house that I was prayin’ for silence.”

“Noises?” Bette’s eyes widened at the thought that Tina’s family had heard their nighttime activity. “I didn’t hear any noises.”

“Oh I did,” Tina said watching as Bette’s eyes darted around the room in panic. “But I love to hear sounds of the night.”

“You’re creepy,” James said as he grabbed a mug of coffee and sat down next to Alice at the kitchen table. “Next you’ll have voodoo dolls of each of us and start practicing dark magic.”

“Who says I’m not already?”

“At risk of interrupting this stimulating conversation, why does it seem like I’m the only one that’s shocked that at 6:30 in the morning everyone is standing in our kitchen?” Bette asked as she stared at Tina who winked at her and offered an award-winning smile.

“Because I knew Mom was cooking.”

“It’s an event,” Shane said leaning back in a kitchen chair and watching Donna begin to crack eggs into a big bowl. “I love being part of family dynamics.”

“At 6:30 in the morning?”

“Bette,” Alice smiled. “There’s nothing like good conversation in a kitchen.”

“What is the topic of said conversation?” Bette asked as she sat next to Tina.

“Sex,” Tina smiled as Bette choked on the sip of coffee she had just taken.

Bette began to cough, tears coming to her eyes, desperate to hide her shock and hoping the conversation wasn’t surrounding the events of last night. Tina rubbed Bette’s back to try to relax her so that she could once again catch her breath.

“I assume you’ve heard of it based on that reaction?” Alice began to tease Bette. “We were getting some juicy details.”

“What?” Bette said in shock.

“We were talking about how parents approach the topic of sex with kids,” Tina corrected, understanding the conclusion Bette surely was coming to given the previous night’s activities. “Alice was telling us the delicate way Lenore explained the birds and the bees.”

“I swear,” Alice rolled her eyes. “Can you imagine being a pre-teen and having your mother tell you a penis is the ugliest thing I’d ever see?”

“Give her points for honesty,” Dana mumbled causing Jackie to laugh.

“The first time I saw one I tried to climb right over the headboard to get away from it.”

“Now you just enjoy the feeling of your head bangin’ against one,” Shane said smiling.

“My mom was very clinical,” Dana said feeling a blush grace her cheeks. “She mumbled through most of it so I swore the correct term for vagina was China.”

“Seriously?” Alice challenged as the group burst out laughing. “That explains a hell of a lot.”

“I remember that they used to force Howie and I to take baths together,” Dana explained. “He was….playing down there one night and found it appropriate to inform us that he had balls under his ‘thingy’. That’s when my mom thought it would be best to point out our different parts and tell us the clinical name for them.”

“How old were you?” Alice asked in shock. “Please tell me that it wasn’t like, last year, or anything?”

“Shut it Alice!”

“I think your coming out speech to them should include that scarring incident,” Shane said. “That has to be the exact moment you turned gay.”

“China,” Tina laughed as she shook her head. “That’s classic.”

“So Miss Smarty-Pants,” Alice nudged Tina as she continued to laugh. “What kind of talk did you get?”

“Oh fiddlesticks,” Donna said as she rolled her eyes. “I knew we would get to that sooner or later.”

“It was awful,” Jackie said laughing as Jonathon came into the kitchen and kissed his wife gently on the lips.

“What was?”

“Our sex talk,” Tina said snickering.

“And that’s my cue to take my coffee out by the pool and get lost in today’s paper,” Jonathon said as he quickly made his way outside and away from the embarrassing conversation.

“I think it went something like this,” Tina continued. “Someday, someone might want something from you, and if that someone wants this something from you someday, you can come talk to me about it if you have any questions.”

“I swore she was talking to us about gum,” Jackie laughed. “I remember being totally clueless about what the hell she was talking about, so much so that when someone did finally want something from me I offered him Hubba Bubba.”

“We’re Southern ladies,” Donna defended herself as she began to make her famous French toast. “We didn’t talk about things like that in public.”

“We’re your daughters!”

“From what I can gather,” Donna continued to flip the pieces of bread in front of her. “You both do fine in that department.”

“Kill me now,” Bette put her head in her hands as she wished she could crawl into a hole assuming that the subtle hints meant her and Tina were in fact heard last night.

“If you couldn’t talk to your daughters about sex what could you talk about?” Jackie challenged.

“Quilting,” Donna answered as she struggled to refrain from smiling as the group began to laugh. “Recipes, the Kentucky Derby, or even shopping.”

“Lenore even talked about sex when we were shopping,” Alice said laughing. “I remember this one sweater I wanted, and the only size was the one that was on display on the mannequin, so Lenore proceeded to try to remove it while commenting on the fact that the store must have been cold because the mannequin had THO’s.”

“Dare I ask?” Jackie whispered to Tina.

“No need to ask,” Alice said smiling. “I’ll just tell you because I’m all sharing the knowledge. THO is an acronym for titty hard-on.”

“You’re making this up!” Dana said in shock of Alice’s education material.

“Scouts Honor,” Alice held her fingers up in the incorrect position for a true scout.

“That’s not even the right finger placement!”

“And you’d know all about that wouldn’t you Shane?” Alice asked smiling at her friend.

“Finger placement is my specialty,” Shane said laughing and wiggling her fingers.

“I just don’t think, back then, that sex was so freely discussed. Now it’s a different time, things are liberal and open, books have been created about achieving multiple….” Donna’s voice trailed off as she was unable to finish her sentence.

“Orgasms?” Tina challenged to tease her mother.

“The Big O?” Alice asked.

“The pearly gates,” Dana said before she realized what had escaped from her mouth.

“Calling it that is exactly why you don’t get to visit,” Alice teased.

“I know you’re makin’ fun of me,” Donna piled the first batch of French toast on a plate and handed it to Shane to put on the table as she began another batch. “But you can learn a lot from someone that has more experience.”

“I’m not sure anyone has more experience than Shane,” Alice laughed.

“I don’t mean,” Donna dropped her voice to a whisper. “I don’t mean sexual experience, but experience in life.”

“This is my cue to join Dad,” James got up and shook his head as if to ward off the words rumbling around inside.

“You may not even realize it, but appreciate where your breasts are now because eventually gravity takes over.”

“Just a little droopy?” Alice asked.

“A little droopy?” Donna snickered. “If I didn’t wear a bra you’d think you had to milk my utters.”

“They sag that low that they are at your stomach?” Alice asked in horror.

The group laughed at Alice’s shock once Donna began to inform her of her life experiences.

“Then as you get older your nipples dry up.”

“What?” Bette said in horror.

Bette’s eyes were wide and her mouth gaping open as the others stopped eating. The rest of the table fell silent and a proud and satisfied smile crossed Donna Kennard’s face.

“Now don’t tell me I managed to shock ya’ll. Such an educated and experienced group.”

“Crap on a cracker,” Jackie said shaking her head. “I never wanted to know that.”

“My God Mom,” Tina shrieked. “There is such a thing as moisturizer.”

“Plus the added fun of rubbing the lotion in,” Alice teased as Tina turned different shades of red.

“Are we seriously talking about this?” Bette tried to interject but was ignored causing her to lay her head on Tina’s shoulder and close her eyes. “Can’t we just talk about something else? Politics? Religion? What’s on the agenda for sight-seeing?”

“I’ve wanted to go to Rodeo Drive,” Donna offered as a suggestion. “I read up on it again just a few days ago.”

“Oh,” Alice proudly smiled. “I’ll come so we can research moisturizers for that nipple thing Mom.”

“Do other…um….” Dana coughed to clear her nervous throat. “Do other areas dry up?”

“Like the Sahara,” Donna answered quickly.

Donna made a plate for Jonathon and James and took it outside, appreciative of the compliments the men in her life were paying her due to her cooking. Bette waited until she was out of earshot before quickly turning to Tina shocked at the direction the conversation had turned.

“Feel free to continue the conversation after I’ve thrown myself out our window. I’m sure the hospital can recommend a good therapist who needs several thousand dollars of my money.”

“It’s not like you’re all dried up Porter!”

“Alice!”

“I can assure you,” Tina said with a smug smile on her face. “Bette is anything but dried up.”

“Tina!”

“Even after last night?” Jackie asked as Bette began to blush.

Bette threw her head on the table in complete mortification while Alice gasped in shock.

“You had sex with Tina’s family in the house!”

“Oh the best kind,” Tina laid her hand on Bette’s back. “The kind that only happens on a rainy night in a deserted bar!”

“OOOOOO, that would be…,” Alice began.

“Don’t! Don’t!,” Bette warned, standing and starting toward the patio.

“Awwww, what’s the matter Bette? You can’t admit you got into a Harlequin story with a title like…,” Alice continued to tease.

“La, la, la, I can’t hear you,” Bette called back to Alice, opening the patio door and stepping through.

“Unmasking A Stranger!”

Bette closed her eyes and winced as Alice, Dana, and Jackie all yelled the name of the book that had aided in her complete unraveling. She reopened her eyes to find Jonathon, James, and Donna all staring at her. Forcing a smile, she shook her head at a complete loss for any response.

“It’s okay, pumpkin,” Donna offered, patting Bette’s arm as she leaned in closer to whisper conspiratorially in Bette’s ear before continuing back into the house. “That was always one of my favorites too.”

“Open the window,” Bette muttered. “This stranger is jumping.”