Darah, okay, what the ***** is going on? Alice is looking at me with big concerned eyes. Okay, youre freaking me out. Whats going on?

I did something really bad.

Does this involve Shane?

I nod. I…I dont wanna go into the particulars, but I crossed a line and I did something really wrong and…” my voice starts to break and I wish I could get through one damn sentence without crying like a *****, “Im so afraid Ive lost her.

“What did you do?”

That is not for me to tell Alice. Not because Al couldn’t keep a secret to save her life, but because it would be doubly violating Shane to do that. I want to because I have to get it off my chest, but I’ve already hurt her enough.

“I’m not gonna tell you the specifics, but it was awful. I betrayed her trust, invaded her privacy, took something she wasn’t willing to give me. I don’t blame her for not wanting to see me.”

“Hey, are you sure you can’t work through this, whatever it is?”

“I dunno,” I say, wiping away tears for the millionth time. “I could, but it’s all in her court. I don’t know if she’ll ever speak to me again.”

That explains a lot, she says.

A lot what?

Shes been… different.

Oh, god. Tears come back.

Hey, dont cry, Alice says, rubbing my back. She cares for you. I know she does. I can see it. She asked about you, even.

I look up. She did?

Yeah. Tuesday we were all at Radar. Shes like wheres Darah? And today, when I came back to the van, I mentioned that you said you were going through some *****. I saw the look on her face, and it was like I punched her. So I know shes torn up about this too. But that also means she cares.

I sent her a letter. I told her everything, my reasons for doing it, why she made me feel hurt and angry and rejected.

Well, thats good.

I also told her that I have feelings that are starting to go beyond friendship. And I knew thats a surefire way of making sure she never sees me again. So I know shes never gonna talk to me again. And Im back to sobbing like an idiot.