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First Year- Chapter 20
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I looked at her stunned. This was the first time I heard there was any knowledge here at the Peabody Clinic of the incident. She tried to reassure me. “I’ve been worried about you since I heard. But there was a lot of talk about it.”
My eyes welled with tears again. I stood up and began to pace nervously. “There are so many reasons why I wish I wasn’t here. There are more and more reasons every day for me not to be here. If I could, I would leave. I feel like I am living under a fucking microscope. Everything about my life is in a fishbowl. I don’t know why I thought I could be here. But I came because Dylan wanted to be here. She wanted to be in LA. This was the best program in fucking LA. In the end, she didn’t want to be in LA, my mother bought her out. My mother paid her to go away.”
I was stunned that I’d let it out. I was feeling very open and vulnerable and it just flowed. I began to huff to keep myself from crying again. Bette sat me down next to her, put an arm around me and pulled me to her. I remember her kissing me on the head. It felt strange to have someone hug me and I was so embarrassed because she was a relative stranger. Aside from Carmen and Dylan, nobody else had gotten close enough to me, physically or emotionally to know the truth or to hug me. I pulled myself together enough to say, “Bette, you don’t have to be here. I shouldn’t be bothering you with this. I am such a basket case.”
She turned my chin to face her, wiped the hair away from my face and dabbed my eyes with dry tissue. It was an incredible moment. She showed me such tenderness. She didn’t have to. I was no one to her. But she showed a side of her that I’m sure few people ever saw. She always kept her guard up so much while she worked. To see that side of her and to be the recipient was quite extraordinary. I don’t know if I should have, but I felt very connected to her in that moment. We stared at each other for some time. Through tear filled eyes, I studied her face. I began to know every line, mole and scar of her face. She was quite beautiful. I don’t know what she was thinking at that moment but she seemed to become uncomfortable with our locked gaze and looked away. She stood up from me and nervously said, “I better finish what I came to do and go back. I’m really sorry about what happened to you. But you know as they say, ‘this too shall pass’. Just hang in there, the pain will go away of time.”
She turned to leave but before she got very far, I grabbed her hand. It was very soft and warm. Of course, her nails were immaculately done. I asked, “The things that we’ve talked about. I hope you keep that to yourself.”
She gently squeezed my hand and reassured me, “Helena don’t you worry. It will take a vice grip to get it out of me. Your secrets are safe with me. Trust me.”
I looked at her smiling eyes as she looked at me and held my hand. I said, “Thank you. I hope you won’t let me down because I’ve been let down in such a major way lately.
She squeezed my hand tighter and said, “I will not let you down. You can count on that.”
We released hands and I watched her walk out. For those few moments my pain seemed less. I felt connected again to another person and it felt good. I went back out to the ER to deal with the full moon crowd and pathology. She remained aloof to me for the rest of the night. I became paranoid about opening myself up too much to her. Perhaps I should have been more cautious. She left at 8 and came by to say goodnight and reassure me she would return my shoes the next day. I again told her I wasn’t worried about it. I didn’t feel the same connection we had in the locker room. I wondered if I crossed some personal or professional boundaries there because it felt awkward to say goodnight.
For the rest of our month in that ER rotation she seemed to keep her distance. She went back to being the cold and aloof person I knew at the start of our residency. She just did it now it scrubs or more casual clothes.
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Hello My Most Passionate Friend… hehe… I’m not sure its going to be a 60 chapter story either… I’m thinking more along the lines of an 80 + chapter story… with many sequels to follow… Second Year… Third Year… Forth Year… Sixth Year… I’ll be here for the whole ride… Love and Hugs, Always and Forever, JC
You know the first time I read that Helena would have her heart broken twice. I just assumed it would be from a romance but now I’m thinking it can be from any type of situation. I hope Bette isn’t the cause for Helena’s second brake and tell Helena’s secret. Sometimes people divulge information without meaning harm. Bette could tell her boyfriend which could eventually get back to the clinic. Helena needs to take a page from Bette and keep a low profile. She can still associate with people and try to have fun but one of the best advice I’ve gotten was if you don’t want something repeated keep it to yourself. It’s time for Helena to step-up and take control of her life. It’s nice to have friend to lean on when you have problems but it’s also nice to figure it out on your own. Don’t mind my rants regarding Helena. She can be dense at times but if I wasn’t enjoying the story I wouldn’t keep coming back….right. :-)
Oh dear Helena is going to have to move into the heartbreak hotel if she’s not careful. I have a sure fire way to steel my heart but cannot share it here becasue the white coats would be coming for me. You know however many chapters you write I’ll follow. Thank you, Md, still missing Raques Oma
Hello… Yep its me again… I think part of the notion of heartbreak is a really deep one and can be analyzed from many vantage points… for heartbreak to really set in one must have an emotional connection with someone… and at this juncture I don’t feel she has that with Bette… if Bette broke her confidence it would more likely be a betrayal seen in Helena’s eyes as someone trying to use her to elevate herself up the proverbial ladder… maybe when and if they develop a relationship beyond the guarded natures that is being a resident… and I’m only going by what I have read and those people I have interviewed in the past with regards to this… but for me I’m thinking the second ‘heartbreak’ that Helena might suffer is one that all Doctors, residents, nurses and the likes suffer at one point or another… a bonding connection to a very special patient… one thing that they need to learn and most learn the hard way is the emotional separation that is necessary to survive… so I am thinking that this is where the second heartbreak comes into play… maybe its Dana… maybe its someone else that captures Helena’s soul… or maybe it is a traditional heartbreak from someone she falls in love with… cause we realize and understand that Helena is a woman that can fall in love very easily… and often… hmmmm… I’ve got to go back and check my notes *wink* *wink* love and hugs, JC
Wait a minute…wait a minute… I thought the break up with Carmen was a mini-heartbreak… and then Dylan of course. That makes two by my count. I believe that means that I will get my wish and Bette will come around and save Helena from her misery. (See I’m keeping the hope alive, Squirl). Thanks for this wonderful chapter! So many delicious Belena moments I was dancing a happy jig. Oh, methinks the spaghetti is beginning to look a little cooked. Helena needs to see a therapist… really and truly. She’s a mess with a capital M. She wouldn’t be breaking down and making herself vulnerable if she had someone to talk with — maybe a visit to Dan is in order? I hope she stays strong against Peggy’s efforts to make contact. While Peggy’s efforts may have been well intended, they definitely caused her daughter A LOT of pain. As always looking forward to more…
Two great chapters! I don’t know where to focus my comment. Hmmm well, there were so many great emotional moments…just the way we like it! Btw, I see you worked in the armgasm! lol! As always, thanks so much for sharing. PPS
I am so caught up in your story! I am selfish and can’t wait for the next chapter.
When Helena said that she had been let down lately. I could understand why. First it was Dylan not being strong enough to believe in them. Second her mother not taking her relationship seriously. And third in herself for not being able to resist temptation of the flesh. I could see that would be alot to deal with, plus one of her friends maybe dying. Yes that would be alot to swallow. As for Bette I think she saw what Helena may have seen. That’s why she became uncomfortable. What’s that saying “The eye is the window to the soul” or something like that. So can we say soulmate? Great update by the way.
Okay, I detected a little awareness in H that she may have contributed somewhat to her problems with D…that’s good…but like the show H has to realize that she alone is good enough, and while she may have a big libido, when it comes to love – baby, either it is or it ain’t…kinda like that so g if it don’t fit, don’t force it just relax and let it go…with B she doesn’t really know if there is interest so there is a good opportunity for them to become friends and get to k ow one another…though I suspect the locker room moment opened something in B which is why she backed away…I hope asks her out for that “run”. Anyway, like the pace of the story and I think I am up for 80 chapters!!! Cheers.
Haha! You got snow, we got horizontal flakes that didn’t add up! If it’s any consolation, we’re expecting -10 windchills tonight and I’ve got a headcold. Helena needs to get a grip. On herself. On her millions. And come to terms with her mother. Hmmm…I wonder if Bette’s sudden discomfort and subsequent distance come from something within herself she wasn’t ready for? At least she learned something about dressing for the occasion.
Your writing abilities and the ease at which your story enfolds is amazing. Never boring always intriguing. Now Bette may have found that she has an attraction to Helena. Whether one is gay or straight, it is obvious Helena is a stunning woman.
I didn’t assume Bette felt something for Helena. Knowing Helena is a lesbian maybe Bette thought that Helena was falling for her and it made her uncomfortable. Bette knew she couldn’t give Helena what she wanted so she distanced herself from the situation.