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    Hephaestus – Chapter 15

    Story written on November 13, 2008 by veba.
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    Words: 3434
    Story Shortlink: https://lesfan.com/?p=71620
    Author Notes:

    how can you deal with your demons?

    ”And it’s been awhile
    Since I could hold my head up high
    And it’s been awhile
    Since I first saw you
    And it’s been awhile
    Since I could stand on my own two feet again
    And it’s been awhile
    Since I could call you…”

    When she wakes up, she is alone.
    Blindly, she lends a hand and the only sound she hears is the rustling fabric of the sheets.
    Shane lifts her head and tries hard to open her eyes.
    They seem glued, they seem made of load, and even her back is hurting.
    Birds chirping outside, it’s a wonderful sunny day.
    The clock on the nightstand says twelve past nine and Carmen is no longer by her side.
    The mattress is cold.
    There’s just a vague scent of her presence in the room, but she is gone, and Shane knows that.
    Sighing and feeling a sudden burden into her chest, Shane gets up slowly and motions towards the kitchen.
    No more apple and knife on the floor. Everything is perfectly neat.
    Everything would be perfect, except that Carmen is gone and Shane can feel that.
    Shane is motionless in the hallway, her fingers are tormenting distractedly the hem of her tank top. She doesn’t know what to do.
    There is a folded paper on the kitchen and Shane is staring at it, scared and worried.
    Finally, she takes a long breath and sits at the table.
    She repeatedly smoothes the rough surface of the paper, then she finally unfolds the page.
    It’s a letter.
    It’s Carmen’s meticulous and precise calligraphy.
    The familiar voice inside of Shane says.
    Did you expect that, didn’t you.
    It was just a matter of time.
    Shane swallows and starts reading.

    “Dear Shane,

    I know that this is not the best “good morning” for you and believe me, I am so sorry.
    But I have to go.
    I need time for myself, I need to fix things up.
    What’s happened last night clearly shows that there is something really wrong with me, something frightening and maybe even dangerous both for me and you.
    You must understand that I cannot risk our future because of my personal issues.
    That is the last thing I want to do.
    Believe me, babe, I do love you. I love you with all of my heart.
    My love for you is the very first reason for me to leave.
    Last night, when I saw you with that knife in your hand, for a second I thought that you were going to… I don’t even want to say it.
    And, even worse, there was a voice inside of me, telling me that I could do that first.
    I don’t want to hurt you, Shane.
    I am in love with you and all the words I told you in New York and during the last week, our first week together in the same house, are true.
    I still think that we are meant to be, and I still think that we are destined to each other.
    I still believe in our future.
    But I cannot handle it right now. Not this way, not feeling the way I feel.
    When I am with you, I have no self-control and I can’t trust myself. You know that, and after all it’s always been this way. Most of times is a good thing, but last night it wasn’t. And I cannot allow that.
    Probably, the truth is that there are issues that I have to work out yet.
    So I am going to my mother’s.
    I need to be alone for a while and please, please Shane, I am asking you to respect my choice.
    Maybe I will start therapy, I don’t know.
    Anyway, what I know for sure that I’ll do anything I can to be well. I will do it for us.
    There are many things that I haven’t told you about my last three years without you, and the reason is that they seem still entrapped somewhere inside of me and I just can’t spit them out.
    This is not like me and you know that. You know me.
    I am not telling you that I want to be the person I was three years ago. I am happy with myself and proud of the woman I’ve become.
    But I need to smile you freely, I need to laugh with you and open up with you like you are doing with me, I need to let myself go completely.
    I already miss you and, God, I’m not even out of the door, yet.
    You can stay in my – in our – apartment and believe me, I’ll be back.
    I will always come back to you and I will always take all the risks with you.
    I love you.

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