CHAPTER 18

Defenceless:
lacking protection or support; "a defenseless child"
vulnerable – susceptible to attack; "a vulnerable bridge"
lacking weapons for self-defense
unarmed – (used of persons or the military) not having or using arms; "went alone and unarmed"; "unarmed peasants were shot down"; "unarmed vehicles"
Adv. 1. defenceless – without defense; "the child was standing in the middle of the crossfire, defenselessly"

Later, That Night

She just couldn’t help it.
Jenny’s words cut like blades. Jenny’s eyes can be even worse.
When Jenny had started to say what Shane had done to Nikki – again, for the second time in front of Carmen – Carmen had tensed.
Shane had felt it.
And together with Carmen’s tension, Shane had felt an incredible guilt and shame.
For a second
– just for a second, just for a second, just for a –
the only thought crossing her mind had been:
Leave.
Disappear.
Go away.
Everybody gets uncomfortable because of you.
You play with fire and burn everything and everyone, you fucking Hephaestus.
That wicked voice into her head had hinted.
Maybe you weren’t so wrong that day in Whistler.
Maybe you were just doing her a favor.
And Shane had done her best not to grimace in panic and horror.
Now, she is naked, soaking wet, in front of the mirror.
She’s been under the hot spout of the shower for almost a hour and she’s still blind drunk .
Naked, soaking wet and drunk inside Carmen’s apartment where Carmen is nowhere to be found.
Shane stares at her in the mirror and laughs bitterly.
“You’re just a tragic sinner, aren’t you?”.

”You pretend you’re high
You pretend you’re bored
You pretend you’re anything
Just to be adored
And what you need
Is what you get
Don’t believe in fear
Don’t believe in faith
Don’t believe in anything
That you can’t break
You stupid girl
All you had you wasted”

The reflection in the mirror scoffs at her.
“Yeah! You got it, girl! That’s what you are!”.
Shane stubbornly shakes her head.
No no no.
This time is different.
“Oh really? How come?”, the reflection smirks.
Carmen believes in me. Carmen feels that I have changed. She knows that.
“Poor thing…. You’ve so changed”, the reflection teases her.
Shane purses her lips and rests her hands on the basin.
“Just like with Paige. Do you remember Paige?”.
In front of Shane’s eyes, a pretty face and blue eyes and a kind smile and a little boy and
“What else, Shane?”.
…and the realtor.
“You fucked the realtor. Yep. Precisely. Right. Great job”. The reflection winks.
Shane inhales and tries to breathe deeply.
“She left you alone for two fucking hours, Shane. Two. Fucking. Hours”, the reflection emphasizes.
“I wasn’t in love with Paige”, Shane murmurs.
“What a lame excuse. Lame, lame, lame. You can do much better than that”.
“I was just biding my time”, Shane whispers, closing her eyes.
“Oh yeah. And what about Cherie Jaffe, then?”.
Shane’s grip on the sink tightens, her arms trembling.
Plick plick plick.
Her sopping hair drip.
Plick plick plick.
And the room spins.
“I was sad”, Shane says.
The reflection is now tickled pink.
“Oh gee… That was good. That was really good Shaney. You were sad”, it nods, “Yep, you were so sad that night you poor thing”.