”What drives you on
Can drive you mad
A million lies to sell yourself
Is all you ever had
Don’t believe in love
Don’t believe in hate
Don’t believe in anything
That you can’t waste
You stupid girl
Can’t believe you fake it”

“Let me tell you something, Shaney dear”, the voice says.
Shane tenses as if she is about to get beaten.
“You were fucking jealous. You were fucking insecure. You were fucking self-indulgent. And you needed a fucking lame excuse to feel justified. Right? Right!”.
Shane doesn’t reply. She’s holding her breath.
“So…”, the voice continues, “…When you saw those two Def Jam guys flirting with Carmen, you just stepped away. Right? Right! You knew damn well that Carmen wasn’t doing anything else but working. You knew that. You know that your beautiful gay girlfriend, your golden star…”, the reflection draws the quotation marks in the air with its fingers, “…fiancée would never sleep with a man”.
Shane swallows, looking up.
“I’m drunk. You don’t exist”, she murmurs towards the mirror.
The reflection grins.
“You’re right. But you do. And that’s the problem”.
Shane grimaces, biting her bottom lip.
“You wanna do something really smart? Go in the kitchen, grab that fucking knife you always use to peel your beloved green apples and cut yourself. Mark yourself like the fire you’re playing with marked Carmen. Take that knife and cut your tummy, and then you’ll understand how Carmen feels!”, the reflection growls.
Shane huffs like she’s been punched.
She puts on her sweater pants and her tank top and runs towards the kitchen.

”Don’t believe in fear
Don’t believe in pain
Don’t believe in anyone
That you can’t tame
You stupid girl
All you had you wasted
You stupid girl
Can’t believe you fake it”*

Shane grabs the phone over the counter. She dials a number she knows by heart.
Ring.
Ring.
Ring.
Her hands are shaking so hard that she can barely keep the phone pressed against her ear.
Ring.
Ring.
Ring.
“Fuck!!”, she exclaims, clasping to the counter.
Then.
A key in the lock.
Turns twice.
The knob goes down.
And Carmen’s beautiful face appears in the door frame.

”And no more shall we part
It will no longer be necessary
And no more will I say, dear heart
I am alone and she has left me…”

Without words, she runs towards Shane right when she’s falling down on her knees, silent tears rolling down her cheeks.
Carmen’s warm hands on her head, Carmen’s breath on her wet skin, Carmen’s voice whispering something into her ear. Something in Spanish that Shane doesn’t really understand, but that is so soothing.
So soothing and reassuring.
Carmen helps her getting up and makes her sit on the table.
She rests her hands on Shane’s knees, watching her straight in the eyes for a long time.
Understanding gazes.
Understanding, concerned eyes full of sorrow and worry and a million of other feelings that Shane can barely discern.
Carmen sighs.
“You’re drunk”, she murmurs, tilting her head.
“I know”, Shane croaks. “Why are you here?”.
Her voice sounds devastatingly tired.
Carmen sighs again.
“I had a feeling you weren’t doing well. I didn’t want you to be alone”.
“How come that you’re always by my side when I need to be saved?”, Shane sniffs.
Carmen smiles a tiny smile and just shrugs.
“I have no idea. But I am here”.
Shane’s hand caressing her cheek, delicately, as if Carmen was the most precious thing on Earth.
And she actually is, to Shane.
She closes her eyes.
“Tell me, Carmen”.
“What?”, Carmen breathes out.
“Just tell me the truth. I can feel it”.
Carmen ducks her head, trying to meet Shane’s eyes.
“What are you talking about, babe?”.
Shane doesn’t look up.
She keeps her eyes closed.
She is just sensing.
“I am talking about that compressed rage you’re holding inside. Because I can feel that you’re mad at me. You protect me, you do it all the time. But you are also angry. That grudge… Carmen, now I feel it. And I don’t want to ignore it anymore”.
Carmen feels suddenly naked.
She tries hard to hold back her tears… and something else.
“Why are you telling me these things?”, she asks feebly, excruciatingly.
“Because they are true”.
Finally Shane looks up and stares at her face, attentively.
“I’ve been a fuck up. Maybe I still am. What I know, is that I don’t wanna be like that anymore. But that’s not enough. You need to spit it out”.
She jumps off the table she was sitting on and grabs Carmen’s shoulders.
She feels suddenly very, very lucid.
“Because you know what, Carmen… I don’t really wanna lose you again. And I don’t even wanna take the risk. And if you don’t spit it all out, I’ll lose you. I know that. Sooner or later you’ll leave because that weight will be unbearable. Sooner or later, you’ll wake up one morning and you’ll discover that you hate me, that your rage has devoured all your love for me. And the day you’ll leave, I’ll discover that my own cowardice has devoured you”.
Carmen is speechless, her lips slightly parted in surprise.
Shane grits her teeth.
“So spit it out”.
“I have nothing to –“.
“Get angry, Carmen…”.
Carmen chuckles in discomfort.
“Babe, I don’t really know what you are –“.
“Thrust it out, for Christ’s sake!!”, Shane unexpectedly shouts, shaking her.
And then.
Abruptly.
Slap.
Curt, sharp and powerful.
Shane’s face turns, her cheek already reddening.
Carmen is breathing heavily.
She immediately tries to soothe her, to comfort her.
“S…Shane, I’m… oh God…”.
Shane swallows and pulls Carmen’s hand away.
“It’s okay”, she says seriously, staring at her.
“Lose that fucking temper of yours, for once”, she adds, harshly.
Carmen narrows her eyes.
“Okay Shane. Is this what you want?”, she murmurs.
“Yes this is what I want”, Shane replies roughly.
The tension between them can be cut with a blade.
Carmen swallows, feeling a crack inside her armor. The definitive crack.
Watching Shane, she understands that she is really looking at her.
And that she is seeing her.
“Okay, I am mad at you”, she states, slowly.
“I cannot stand the idea of you going down on Nikki. Every time Jenny mentions it, I feel my blood boil. And I can’t stand the idea of you sleeping with other women”.
Shane lifts her chin, but there’s no trace of arrogance on her face.
“That’s what I did”.
“I know”, Carmen murmurs between her gritted teeth.
“I tried to forget you”.
“I know you did”.
“I fucked a lot of women and I didn’t love anyone of them”.
Carmen lowers her head.
“I tried to see you in every one of them but you weren’t there”.
“I was swimming in the shit. Shane, while you were fucking around”, Carmen hisses.
“I know”.
“No, you have no fucking idea”, Carmen points her finger at Shane.
“You don’t know shit about it! You don’t know how many times I came home wasted or high, how many times I thought about suicide, how many times I wanted to crawl back to you, imploring you, fucking begging you Shane, to take me back! And you have no idea how ashamed and humiliated I felt, after that!”.
And in her eyes.
Flames.
Fire.
A burning fire.
She’s like a goddess ready to unleash an earthshaking storm.
“For a second, I thought that I had never loved you”, Shane says, frankly.
She is pushing the blade deeply and she knows it.
Carmen shakes her head, smiling bitterly, as if she was expecting Shane to say that.
“I was lying to myself, obviously, but I needed a pretext –“.
“You needed a pretext to act in the only way you knew”, Carmen cuts in.
“Don’t fucking justify me Carmen”, Shane retorts, “I don’t want any of this shit anymore”.
“Fine”, Carmen says, cuttingly.
“I want you to see me, to truly see me, and then…”.
Carmen looks at her.
“Then what?”.
“Then I’ll be sure you really love me”.
“Fuck you, Shane! For me, there is nothing else but you! Goddamn you!” Carmen shouts, clasping to Shane’s tank top and shaking her up.
Shane grabs her, and finally kisses her.