”When we think back to all this and I’m sure we will
Me and you, here and now
Will we forget the way it really is
Why it feels like this and how?
And we always have to go I realize
We always have to say goodbye
Always have to go back to real lives
But real lives are the reason why
We want to live another life
We want to feel another time
Another time…
Yeah another time
To feel another time…”

Carmen’s hand running down her stomach and scraping her legs and resting where Shane doesn’t usually allow people to touch her.
But it’s okay.
“Ah…”, she mouths soundlessly, and Carmen stares at her as her fingers caress, explore, touch, press, linger and then thrust again, unhurriedly.
Carmen’s body laid on her body and.
It’s okay.
It’s okay not to be in control for once.
Shane replicates Carmen’s actions, like a reflection on a mirror.
Same pace, same gestures, same passion, same slowness, same sweet indolence.
Carmen’s eyes distant in pleasure, caught into this inevitable love trap, trying hard to focus and looking intense, profound.
“I want to hear your voice…”, Shane whispers, “Please let me hear your voice…”.
Carmen bites her lower lips, panting lightly.
She remains silent for a long time and right when Shane is about to give up, she finally speaks.
“Shane…”.
Slowly, softly.
Shane swallows, feeling a new wave of pleasure sweeping her away.
A blaze of pure bliss.

”One last time before it’s over
One last time before the end
One last time before it’s time to go again…”*

“Carmen… Carmen… Carmen…”.
An endless mantra.
A magic formula to fight off all the demons.
“Shane… Ah…”.
A moan escapes from Carmen’s mouth and Shane feels every molecule of her body shouting a joyful hooray.
She starts making love to her forgetting everything else, concentrating just on her breathing, on her rhythm, on her heartbeat, on the pace she likes the most.
Making her come, again, and again, and again, until they are both out of breath.
They remain entwined, hugging tightly.
“This is how I want to make you feel…”, Shane murmurs, her lips against Carmen’s hair.
“This is how I want to make you feel all the time… Safe, warm, loved, protected…”.
Carmen brushes her shoulders, her back, still panting heavily.
“I know you’ve always wanted to protect me… The same has always been for me”, she answers, excruciatingly.
Shane raises on her elbows and tilts her head, watching her straight in the eyes.
The stare at each other for a long time.
“I though this morning you would regret everything…”, Shane mutters.
“It would be hypocrite and stupid… And I don’t play games…”.
“I know…”, Shane smiles an understanding smile.
“What are we going to do about us?”, she asks then.
Carmen blinks, caught completely off guard.
“Carmen… I know that what’s happened cannot change the last three years. On top of it all, it cannot erase the pain I caused you. But please don’t make me go away. I can’t stand the idea of a life without you… Whatever happens, I want to be by your side…”.
“I am not the person you knew anymore, Shane…”, Carmen whispers, in a sort of sad admission.
Shane swallows.
“I can see that. I can feel something bad happened to you. Maybe the reason is that I am damaged myself. Or maybe… Maybe it’s because I love you. ‘Cause this is the only truth I feel clearly, now. I love you and I am in love with you, Carmen. You break my heart and you stick it down again, you make me smile and you make me cry, you make me feel like I’m dying and resuscitating all in once. You scare me and keep me safe. Whatever happens, I wanna be by your side…”, Shane repeats, honestly.
And finally, she adds.
“…And I don’t expect you to tell me that you love me. For the very first time, it doesn’t matter. Just tell me that you feel something, anything… It will be enough”.
Carmen listens to her carefully. Then, she kisses her hand, finger by finger.
“I don’t know what’s going to happen between the two of us. I know that we made love because I wanted it, because I felt it was right, because I can see the light in your heart, and because I’ve always believed in you. Even in the worst of moments. But I need time…”.
Shane slightly nods.
“…I need time to understand how I feel. This is the most important issue, for me, right now. Then… there is the trust. But that’s another matter. I am not punishing you, Shane… believe me. You punished yourself enough. It’s just that… I don’t have faith in anything anymore”.
She remains silent for a long time.
“…The person I was loved you. She loved you so much. The person I am now… needs time”.
“Okay”, Shane nods, holding back the tears. “Just remember that when you feel up to talking to me, I’ll be there…”.
Carmen blinks and kisses her on her forehead.
Shane hugs her tightly.
“God, I miss your smile…”, she murmurs huskily.

”Take me away from here
From this desert place
I wanna breath flowers
Open spaces
White stripes creep under
My wheels
Trying to poison me

I’ve lost my fantasy
And its shell
It crept away from me
Far away
Who’s hiding over there?
In my hopeland
Who’s hiding there?”**

**

SOUNDTRACK:
* “Out Of This World” (The Cure)
** “Hopeland” (Shame)