CHAPTER 9

Revelation:
Information that is newly disclosed, especially surprising or valuable information.
A surprisingly good or valuable experience.
The revealing of something previously hidden or secret.
A showing or revealing of divine will or truth.
Synonyms: exposure – disclosure – surprise – leak.

“Kiss me… Kiss me…”, Carmen repeats.
Shane’s head is spinning incessantly. A countless assortment of different feelings is invading her.
Guilt.
Sorrow.
Hope.
Despair.
The wicked irony of fate.
Love.
Rage.
Longing.
Desire.
She grabs Carmen’s head and pulls her into a deep kiss.
Carmen’s hands are running along her back. A smoking hot kiss under the hot water spout.
“God…” Shane murmurs then, leaning her head back and staring at the white ceiling of the bathroom. She feels something inside of her falling to pieces, like broken glass.
Carmen’s mouth on her shoulder, biting hard, making her wince with pain. Her hand going down, down between Shane’s legs, rubbing, pressing, invading.
Shane pulls back.
“No, no please…”.
Carmen blinks, panting. Her lips are parted, her eyes are burning flames of rage and desire.
“Why not? Shane… I…”, she tries to explain.
Shane leans her back against the blue tiles. Cold shivers going down her spine and she feels like she has a fever.
She shakes her head.
“I don’t want to make angry sex with you…”, she murmurs, staring at Carmen.
Silence.
Silence and water and steam and nothing else but their eyes.
Carmen licks her lips and swallows.
“I am not angry”.
Shane’s face is serious, gloomy. Piercing, in its painful awareness.
Doomed.
She doesn’t say anything.
She steps out the shower, her head bowed, and closes the windowpane.

”Tu sai difendermi e farmi male
Ammazzarmi e ricominciare
A prendermi vivo
Sei tutti i miei sbagli…
A caduta libera
E in cerca di uno schianto
Ma fin tanto che sei qui
Posso dirmi vivo”
[ “You can defend me and hurt me
You can kill me and then start again
You are all the mistakes I make…
Falling down
Looking for a crash
But as long as you’re here
I can say that I am alive”]

Flashback

One week earlier – New York City – Shane’s room

They’re sitting at a round table, in the middle of the small living room.
Everything around them is tidy and there is nothing out of place.
Shane worked hard to make this dinner perfect and, knowing how Carmen hates messy places, she cleaned everything up.
No more empty bottles on the floor, no more stagnating stink of smoke and alcohol, no more clothes here and there. Just a perfectly neat hotel room.
Earlier that night, Shane was standing motionless in front of the mirror, trying to calm down the furious heartbeat that, recently, seems so usual when it comes to Carmen.
Staring at the reflected pair of green eyes in the mirror, she suddenly realized something.
– Yes, this is the trip of realizations. You discover a new truth everyday, don’t you, Shane? –
She was going through all the stages of love all over again.
Nervousness.
Sweating hands.
Butterflies in the stomach.
Dry mouth.
Inebriated head, like after too many beers.
She sighed, shaking her head in a bittersweet frustration.
Yes, Carmen doesn’t seem very predisposed, she considers.
Carmen is distant, detached, deranged in some ways, uninterested about everything with the exception of her music. Carmen – and this is the biggest paradox – seems someone who needs everything but love.
Ironic, Shane thinks. It really seems I have the worst timing.
Shane remembers their agreement, though.
She doesn’t want Carmen to feel uncomfortable with her – or because of her – anymore. Those were her words and she’s trying hard to respect them, she is doing her best to honor the promise she made.
But the truth is that she’s going through all the stages of love and she can’t help it.
So, she suddenly realizes that, somehow, she is trying to get Carmen back.
With a very little hope, actually.
Like a shark with its prey, she’s swimming in concentric circles in order to get closer and closer to her.
She is doing it nonchalantly, with that cool attitude she’s so familiar with.
But she is definitely trying to conquer her.
Yes, she is definitely courting her woman.
She still has nothing, her hands are empty and she knows that. She has nothing to hope, nothing to cling to.
Carmen doesn’t give her any hints. Carmen really doesn’t seem interested at all.
But it’s okay.
Because Shane feels how she feels and she has nothing to lose, either.