We pull into her complex and make our way to her second floor apartment. As we enter she turns on the light and I see, like always, her apartment is a mess just like her car, except along with the Redbull, coke cans, and clothes there are also beer bottles, vodka bottles, and wine bottles all over. Every time I come here I know what I am going to see and still I am surprised every time. I plop down on the couch as she goes to the refrigerator. “You want anything to drink,” she asks. “I’m good,” I say. She shrugs her shoulders and pulls out a beer for herself.

I watch as she disappears into her room for a while and comes out wearing nothing but underwear and a bra. I had to check myself before I got out of hand. Clearing my throat I say, “Taryn, we need to talk.” “We can talk about anything you want but first look what I scored,” she says pulling a small baggie with two pills from her bra. Removing the pills she slips one into her mouth and goes to put the second one in my mouth. Breaking up with her sober is hard enough but doing it while high would be impossible.

 “I don’t do that anymore,” I say. “Come on baby. I’ll help you,” she says putting the second pill in her mouth and leaning in to kiss me. I turn my head away from her, tears welling in my eyes and softly say, “It’s over.” “What,” she says the pill still between her teeth. I repeat myself, this time a little louder, “It’s over Taryn.” She smiles and this both burns me and tears down all of my defenses. “Not this again. You break up with me every other day and always end up back where you started. Why don’t we just quit this back and forth? I love you and I know you love me, don’t you,” she asks looking into my eyes, still smiling. I answer, “Of course I do. That’s the problem.” “No that’s the solution. Don’t you realize that we have been able to get through so much on love alone,” she replies. I quip, “But love is usually what gets us into so much and it won’t always bail us out.” She bows her head, breaking eye contact and her smile for the first time, “I love you so much I think it could.”

I am at a loss for words. She is right, I have tried to quit before: alcohol, drugs, partying, and her. She is also right about the fact that I always come back. This time is different though. It hurts too much to be with her. “I’m sorry I can’t do this anymore,” I say as I get off the couch and try to walk past her. “But I love you,” she says with so much conviction that it brings tears to my eyes. I reply, “I love you too.” She closes the distance between us and places her mouth over mine. She slowly works her tongue into my mouth and deepens the kiss. At this point my body is on fire. All I want is to feel her, every part of her. I pick her onto my waist and walk back to the couch. Sitting down she straddles my hips as we continue to kiss. As our tongues duel for dominance I feel it. She slips it onto my tongue and I know that it has been hiding under hers the entire time. As the pill slips to the back of my mouth I think how terribly wrong this entire night has gone. I think how badly I want to end all of this but instead I swallow. I let the pill slide down my throat and prepare myself for what comes next. Minutes from now I will be so high that what I came here to do wont matter anymore. Her touch, the way she feels, her taste will be the only things on my mind. In a few minutes the cliff that I was teetering on the edge of when I got here will be a distant memory because I have already fallen off.

I don’t mind you under my skin. I let the bad parts in, the bad parts in.