Bette: Shane, you say that I can and that does give me some courage but you are asking me to reach out to myself with compassion when I have done this terrible thing

Shane: well, when do you think you need compassion, when you are doing everything perfectly?

Bette: look, I am willing to admit that this runs pretty deep – ok, probably goes back to my relationship with my father – but Im a grown woman – do we really need to dissect this ?

Shane: Bette, you say you love Tina—

Bette: I do, with all my heart

Shane: well, I dont understand how you think that you can treat her in a loving way, when you really do not allow yourself that feeling.

Bette: it is not that I dont like myself sometimes

Shane: ok, when are those times.

Bette: well, when Im pleased with a project

Shane: so you need to accomplish something in order to think that you have worthlet me ask you somethingdid your father ever just hang out with youyou know just kill time togetheror was it all about needing to be productive.

Bette: I cant even imagine just chilling with my father.

Shane: so in order to feel his approval, his acceptanceyou needed to be producing something.

Bette: yes, if I was wasting time then I would feel his disapproval, his dissatisfaction

Shane: so just your company, or just your existence wasnt enoughyou needed to provide him with something to talk aboutsomething that reflected on him as an accomplishment.

Bette: yes.there is no doubt that his affection was conditioned upon my accomplishments.

Shane: is that the way you feel about Tina?
Bette: I dont knowI mean I never really what do you mean?

Shane: well ,do you think that Tinas love is conditioned on your accomplishments

Bette: Shane, I dont know.there is no doubt that Tina loved telling people about my successesshe always would introduce me to people and immediately tell them that I was the director of the CAC

Shane: well, again.do you feel that Tinas love, like your fathers was conditioned upon your accomplishments..

Bette: wellmaybesort of.

Shane: in that case, you would need to always provide her with proof of those accomplishments.provide her with a home.security..in order to gain her conditional love

Bette: I remember worrying that she wouldnt love me if I lost the position.she said that she knew everything would be all right.but I dont think that I believed that she could handle that kind of stressI thought that it was my responsibility to provide her with freedom from those kinds of problems..so yeah, I guess I believed that her love was dependent on my successes

Shane: that must have put you under a lot of stress

Bette: those months leading up to provocations felt like the entire world was on my shoulders.when you all went to the Dinah Shore weekend, and I stayed home to deal with the openingI felt so exhaustedit seemed as if everyone was going out and playing and I was burdened with this massive project that I needed to pull together.that I needed to work to keep my job.to keep the house.to keep Tina being able to not work so she could recuperate.but I needed a time out alsoI needed some playfulness..

Shane: did you ever speak to Tina about this.did you ever express your needs

Bette: no, I didnt want to show her my worries or my fears

Shane: why not

Bette: because Im supposed to be the strong oneyou know, take care of everything

Shane: in order to receive her love

Bette: yes

Shane: so you realize that your history, your programming of what love is, is reflective of how your father treated youhe taught you that you only have value if you give him bragging rights and that if you arent perfect and constantly producing that you have no essential worth.do you realize that this conditional love is all that you have known .and so of course, you would project that onto Tina .

Bette: butthat is what I thought

Shane: so you thought you needed to be perfectto keep her love.man, that would be exhaustingyou were never able to rest, to be at peace in the warmth and acceptance of unconditional love because you didnt know that that exists.it was not part of your psyche..you had never experienced it..

Bette: that may be true.

Shane: so, you dont really know if Tina would love you without all the trappingsbecause you assumed that they were necessary.again this was an assumption on your part based on what you believed love was all about..Bette. tell me why or when you would love Tina

Bette: Shane, nobody knows that better than you,, you have felt her presence, you have felt her spirit, you have felt her attention, her caring; just spending time with her calms me, there are times that I am just so overwhelmingly happy that she exists, that I can share her space, her vita; force, her inner light

Shane: so there were times that being with Tina wasnt tense, when you werent worrying about producing, accomplishing.

Bette: oh, yes.when things were good between us, there were times that I believed that it was unconditional, that she only needed me to exist and not perform, and it felt so good, andand I think that would be when I would allow myself to believe that I was lovable,..and I think it really was good for me because at those times I could be my most genuine, my most whole.it was such a giftbut then, when we would bicker, and the house would get filled with tension, I would fall back into believing that I needed to be something more, more than just to be

You know.once Tina said to me that my loving her would let her feel so safe and warm but that she hadnt been feeling that lately and that it scared her.I think the same thing happened to me.I think we stopped giving each other the gift of unconditional warmth and acceptancejust the acceptance of each otherthe good and the badthe love of the whole.and I think that when that happens we start to fragment ourselvesnot able to relax, not able to find humor in the absurdities of life and instead the irritations of life become bigger and the tension heightensit really is a vicious cycle

Shane: so you didnt really trust that Tina could love you just for you,,but you know that you did feel it at times.and maybe t was a confusing emotion for you. You had never felt that before and it was hard to relax into that feeling, but, in fact, part of why you love her was because she was the only person really capable of giving you that and you felt it, you felt loved, you felt lovable

Bette: I think I knew it the first time I ever looked at herI think I knew that this person held the key to me having that feelingthat this person, this spirit was what was going to help me find what we are all seeking, that warmth and acceptance that provides a space in which my soul could grow.

Shane: well, when Tina expressed that feeling of sadness, of fear of losing that safe, warm feeling from youwasnt she saying the same thing,,,dont you think that Tina feels the same way about you,,,that you hold the key to her spacethat it is your presence that provides the place for her soul to grow.to be complete, to feel whole. Bette, she loves you, not your degreesshe couldnt give a ***** about your diplomas.not your carshe would walk across this earth for you.not even that hot, hot bodyalthough, damn it is nice..it is your spirit, your presence, your light that she is drawn tounconditionally.

Bette: but Shaneit is conditioned upon me not abusing that spiritshes is right that I have destroyed that all, you are asking me to forgive myself, to show myself some compassion for throwing all of this awayit is too hardit is too sad

Shane: forgiving yourselfbecause you are human.because that is what we dowe make mistakes.does not mean that you condone the behavior..and if Tina chooses to forgive youif she can see past her own hurt and feel your pain and wants to assuage itif she can, well, that doesnt mean that she accepts your actions without objectionit doesnt mean that she is allowing you to abuse her.it simply means that she is able to see past her fears and anger and see that underneath your hurtful, insensitive actions were a call for help and a request for love.

Bette: and for me to be able to get there?

Shane: you will have to learn how to be gentle with yourself.being gentle with yourself doesnt mean that you dont put forth effort and intention or that you approve of thoughts and behaviors that are inappropriateit does mean that you can learn from them without beating yourself upforgiving yourself will take you beyond your survival mechanisms, beyond your conditioning to a place that provides a new realm of choice and freedom where you can put your struggles to rest.it will empower you to know your own strength.your own worth..and you will be able to rebuild that place.that place where Tina and your souls can grow