Shane: hey, you havent moved

Bette: I just cant mobilize myself – Im not ready to face anything off of this couch – I feel ill, I feel so guilty

Shane: well, there you go being self-centered again..

Bette: what do you mean

Shane: well, the feeling of guilt, or hatred directed at yourself, it cuts, it lacerates.the guilt itself defeats you.sapping what little energy you may have available for growth.

Bette: but.I cant just ignore this sick feeling

Shane: no, but there is a difference between guilt because you did not live up to your ideal, and remorse, as a result of feeling the suffering of another.there is an interesting distinction between guilt and remorse ,…

Bette: you are just talking about semanticsyou know what I mean.

Shane: no, actually, the differentiation is importantbecause one emotion is helpful and the other isnt.

Bette: ok, what are you getting at because all I know is that I feel really ill.

Shane: well, guilt depletes us, feeling very alone our thoughts focus on our worthlessness, Im terrible, Im the worst person in the world.actually, that state is very obsessed with self, all about our own ego.

Bette: but doesnt guilt motivate us?

Shane: well, guilt can be very deceptiveyou may feel that guilt is a noble force motivating us to perform wholesome actionsbut guilt doesnt actually work in that way

Bette: but I am thinking about what I can do to feel less guilty

Shane: exactly, when you are motivated by guilt, it is your own pain that is center stage.and when your feelings take the central role then you most likely will lose consideration of what the other person may actually need


Bette: wow..I was doing it again.

Shane: well , yeahwhen you are indulging yourself in self-hatred there is not enough freedom, enough room, in your consciousness to see clearly

Bette: well, I certainly havent been thinking clearly today.Ive just been sitting here.my mind is totally disturbed.I cant string two thoughts together

Shane: yes, your self-flagellation is taking up all of your emotional energy – you are stuck

Bette: I cant see a way out

Shane: right, in that state you have no energy for transformation.remorse, by contrast.is a state of recognition.you realize that you have done something unskillful that caused pain, and you feel the pain of that recognitionbut the crucial difference is that remorse frees us to let go of the pastit leaves us some energy to move on

Bette: and to resolve not to repeat our mistakes

Shane: exactly.in guilt our own needs overwhelm our consciousnesswe end up serving ourselves.self-hatred gets in the way of our potentialit impedes our evolution

Bette: I cant just ignore my actionsI need to take responsibility

Shane: yes, but even within that you need to come back to separating the actions from your potentialdo not let them define youdo not denigrate your capacity by saying that you are worthlessto really accept your responsibility would mean that you will push through the discomfort to reach further to do the hard work..

Bette: you are really expecting a lot from me

Shane: because you can..do not forget the larger perspective.do not become lost in this drama.because when you are lost in self-loathing, you forget the capacity to love

Bette: to love.

Shane: yes, your self loathing.will only narrow your perspectiveit will isolate you, it will fixate you, you will not see a way out, you will continue in your same patternstruly taking responsibility would really mean, breaking those patterns so that you dont continue the same reactions.you have got to break the habit of that anger, that hatred of yourself.when we are lost in anger, we do not see many options before us, we strike out recklessly.

Bette: Tina is so angry with me.I dont feel that I can possibly ask her forgiveness

Shane: right now, your issue is your own forgiveness.that is your first pattern that needs to be altered.it is your own self-reproach that got you into this messyour own need for release from feeling not perfect . You need to begin to see your own worth, in some ways to be able to forgive yourself, to let go, is a type of dying. It is the ability to say, I am not that person anymore. Forgiveness allows us to recapture some part of ourselves that we left behind in bondage to a past event..Tina will have to figure that out for herself. you need to relinquish your guilt so that you can create space for renewal..

Bette: but, I dont feel that I can just let it go.I mean, I acted horribly, I hurt Tina terribly.

Shane: that is all true, except that you must let it goin order to not repeat it again.you must compassionately acknowledge the unpleasant aspects of your life.you must extend to yourself warmth and acceptance.this will be new territory for you.

Bette: again, you are really expecting a lot from me

Shane: Because you can..