Bette: Thanks for the eggs. (Bette takes a bite but really cant have much more)

Shane: Bette, I was wondering, when you went over to Alices and when you called Tina what were you trying to say to her.

Bette: I needed to tell her that I need her forgiveness; that I need her in order for me to breathe, that I need her in my life; that I need her to not give up on me; that I need her in my future.

Shane: say that again.

Bette: that I NEED her to forgive me
That I NEED her to breathe
That I NEED her in my life
That I NEED her to not give up
That I NEED her in my future

Shane: think about what you just said

Bette: (wearily realizing) I guess that was a whole lot of my needs.

Shane: yep

Bette: a whole lot of what I need from her

Shane: yep

Bette: and not a whole lot of caring about her needs

Shane: yep

Bette: I guess that isnt what she really wanted to hear right now.

Shane: yep

Bette: but, I need Tina to care about what I needshe always does

Shane: Yep. But she does have her own needs as well, she can care about your needs and still have her ownagain, she isnt just an extension of youso satisfying your needs doesnt totally do it for her she still is a person independent of you.


Bette: until this last year , or maybe really even two, it seemed that that was enough for Tina. All she wanted to do was care for me.

Shane: Look, Tina is a very caring person. A very giving person. She can make you feel like you are the center of the universe when she pays attention to you. It is why everyone loves to spend time with her – she makes everyone feel so special.

Bette: I loved the way she made me feel. I need to know that she feels that way about me.

Shane: think about what you just said.

Bette: oh, my needs again.

Shane: yep. Tina doesnt have a whole lot of needs to make her happy. But what do you think made her most happy.

Bette: well, when I felt that I had made her unhappy I would make plans – you know, hire a limo, take her someplace fancy, send her three dozen roses..

Shane: those are pretty grand gestures


Bette: well I would feel pretty good about being able to give her those things


Shane: think about what you just said

Bette: that being able to give those things would make me feel good –

Bette: but Tina liked that I was feeling good – but I guess that isnt the same thing as doing what actually made Tina feel good.


Shane: ok, right.again, what do you think made Tina most happy.

Bette: Well, when I would be on time.

Shane: that is a very nice gesture. Shows respect. Shows caring.

Bette: when I would help her in the garden


Shane: that is wonderful way to please her. Shows you want to spend simple down time with her.

Bette: when I would pick up a CD that I thought she might like.

Shane: a very sweet gift and it doesnt cost a ***** of a lot (thinking that it is much less than a limo). Shows you know her.

Bette: (thinking very hard) I cant remember the last time I did any of those things.


Shane: so how do you think Tina felt about that.

Bette: I guess, she might think that I didnt care. But I did, I do,. (visibly shaken at realizing that Tina probably wouldnt believe it).

Shane: well how is she to know that, when you werent doing any of the things that make her happy.

Bette: I guess I wasnt as good a partner as I thought I was.

Shane: this isnt about self flagellation”we arent doing this so you can beat yourself up for not being perfect – that is not very productive – and it almost seems as if there is some pleasure in it for you – as if it is a space in which you feel comfortable – you are so used to being in that state.
– instead, you need to force yourself to be uncomfortable, in order to explore why you stopped doing those simple things for Tina, what changed in you that prevented you from being the caring, tender self we all know you can be.

Bette: is that really what you think.

Shane: well, your faade really wasnt all that great for those of us who have gotten past the moat and the alligators and the 100 walls and the fortification and ..

Bette: ok, I get the picture .

Bette: I dont know why I stopped doing those things.

Shane: yes, you do.

Bette: I never stopped loving her.

Shane: I never said you did.

Bette: I think.

Shane: yes.

Bette: never mind

Shane: just throw it out there

Bette: I think I stopped loving myself