Bette: I think I stopped loving myself.

Shane: And then what ?

Bette: well, when I start beating myself up, when Im not feeling good about myself, when Im not living up to my expectations, I start to look around at others and ..

Shane: and what?

Bette: well, I need to find fault in them

Shane: and that helps you feel better?

Bette: well, yesin a way…I meanIm not sure whybut it is a bit of a release from the relentless self berating I focus on their shortcomings instead of my own.

Shane: and there is always someone to focus on after all, we are always doing something wrong after all we are humans

Bette: well, yeah

Shane: and how does Tina fit into that pattern

Bette: Oh.

Shane: well?

Bette: I guess I would sometimes focus on her imperfections

Shane: so, when you did something not perfect you would project to Tina some dissatisfaction with her

Bette: wellmaybeI guess.yes


Shane: and how do you think that made Tina feel?

Bette: I guess she would thinkthat I was unhappy with her.that I didnt love her..but I did, I do


Shane: Im not saying that you dont love her. Im asking how she would feel when your need for release from self-berating was stronger than your desire to make Tina feel loved; when your need was stronger than your responsibility to her as a committed partner for her to feel safe and secure.

Bette: I guess she didnt feel loved or safe or secure. I feel terrible.

Shane: Look, you love Tina and she loves you..

Bette: I dont knowif its still true for Tina.

Shane: I know.

Bette: I need for her to know that I love her.

Shane: that is going to take some time.

Bette: I will spend the rest of my life trying to convince her of that,

Shane: well first you have to be able to do itit is not enough to just have the emotion of love you have to act lovingbe loving.

Bette: I can sometimes

Shane: yes, I know that.and so does Tina.but..she will need to be reminded of that. Dont forget, loving her means being able to be selflessto put her before yourself


Bette: obviously, my.actions..my.infidelity .. was . terribly selfish.

Shane: I think you need to explore your actions within the relationship and not just focus on this end action

Bette: okgod….I hate myself

Shane: Look, if you expend all your emotional energy berating yourself, you wont have the time or strength to growto really be able to change your pattern.you know, that pattern that is causing you all of this heartache

Bette: I want to act differently. I do. I dont want to take it out on Tina, or any of you, when Im feeling down on myself.I just get irritable and I lash outpicking on everybody else.

Shane: and that helps you feel better

Bette: for a moment at least

Shane: and in the long run

Bette: it pushes people away. It has only brought me misery

Shane: well, that is the first step, to see the pattern, and to understand that it isnt really getting you what you want

Bette: and then

Shane: well, with this slight elevation of awareness, next time you will probably catch yourself right after youve lashed out; then after a while you might even catch yourself as you are doing it , and finally you will catch yourself before you do it – thats when the pattern starts to change.

Bette: sounds like a long process.

Shane: well these patterns run pretty deep. Sort of like a really deep river . And when the awareness starts it is like a small stream branching away from the river but the water still wants to go down the deep, well worn path of the river the pull of your old pattern but every time you are able to break the pattern and act differently then the stream gets deeper and it becomes easier for the water to take that path. It does get easier.

Bette: I hope I can do it. I want to be able to show Tina , and all of you, all the love that I have. I dont want to be this difficult person that you are afraid to be around.

Shane: well, spend some time visualizing acting differently when you are feeling down on yourself; imagine not following your usual pattern and blowing up at Tina ; just try to possibly conceive of forgiving yourself; cutting yourself some slack; allowing yourself some humanity

Bette: really, spend time imagining reacting in a different way?

Shane: yes, visualize everything about it, how it would feel, how your heart might start pounding and then how it might relax when you realize that you can let it go , that a mistake is just that – a mistake – let it go —

Bette: and then what?

Shane: well, as you visualize and internalize the new pattern – you are starting to dredge the stream, the new path, even deeper- it is like practicing reacting in a healthier way – you can trick your mind into thinking that you have done this before – it makes it easier to do it when it really happens – so the next time you make a mistake it wont feel that foreign to act in this new way – youve already been able to do it – in your imagination


Bette: ok..I will.Ill try….how do you know.


Shane: I would do this to train myself to be able to resist the temptation of hard drugsI would practice by imagining myself resisting..it got easier.

Bette: I sometimes forget how much growth you have accomplished since we first methow much you have been through.how did you make it?

Shane: wellI also have come to believe in self forgivenesswithout it I would have had to give up on myself..and.do myself inbut I have learned the power of moving on .past my mistakes.to commit to trying to do better next time.and I think that being more forgiving of myself has taught me to be more forgiving of othersI think you need to start with yourself

Bette: you have really given me so much food for thoughtI think I need to rest and absorb this all.

Shane: rest.I will see you tomorrow

Bette: yes, please