Tina: Hi .

Shane: how are you doing today?

Tina: I was up most of the night. Finally, fell asleep for a few hours. But you really got me thinking

Shane: about.?

Tina: about how I let it happen.

Shane: I didnt really say that.

Tina: well, in effect I didI just let it happenor worse

Shane: ohright

Tina: what do you mean ohright?

Shane: no, you continuetell me what you mean by or worse

Tina: well, okbut I want you to tell me later what you meant.

Shane: sure..later.go ahead

Tina: ok.well, if Bette was being difficultirritable.I would just try to stay awayI convinced myself that just staying away from her was best.

Shane: best for whom?

Tina: I thought I was helping us by not reacting to her lashing outbut, in a wayeven though I didnt fight with her I was still reacting..the reaction wasnt direct..it was more passive.I would withdraw from her .withdraw on many levels

Shane: so you avoided her

Tina: it got so I was doing it all the time

Shane: and you didnt talk about how you were feeling

Tina: I was trying to avoid a big blow up .a hate confrontation

Shane: but you could have just spoken to herit didnt have to become a big confrontationyou could have prevented it from getting there

Tina: but I was afraid.

Shane: so, you just pulled away.didnt engage in the relationship ..

Tina: yes.

Shane: what, did you mean by or worse.

Tina: oh.

Shane: it seemed as if there were other actionsnot just avoidance

Tina: well..sometimesII.sometimes I would deliberately make situations in which I could keep her out

Shane: ohright.

Tina: is this what you meant when you said oh, right before

Shane: yes

Tina: I dont understandhow could you know

Shane: I observed

Tina: well.there were times that I would make plans, knowing that Bette wouldnt be able to be included because of scheduling, and she would be hurt

Shane: well that can happen sometimes.sometimes schedules dont always work out

Tina: that is true.but I..god, this is hard to say.but I would do it on purpose

Shane: ah, yes..intention.the one thing that makes a difference..

Tina: what do you mean?

Shane: well everything we do comes down to intention.if we say something that is hurtfuland certainly it happens.for me, the real question is the underlying intention.did this person mean to hurt me..or was it just a slip.sometimes it is so subtlebut it is a distinction I need to make for myself.if it is purposeful then I need to limit my interactions with this person but if it is a slip then I can forgive and continue.we actually make that type of evaluation all the time when we are with people..

Tina: how can you tell?

Shane: well, firstly you trust your instincts..your instincts are feeding you a lot of information but most people dont trust them

Tina: and you.

Shane: well, living on the street and being on your own at a very young age kind of forces you to trust yourself.there is nobody else running fullback for you.there arent parents that are protecting you from the harshness out there.so in order to survive.in some way you become very observant..and you learn to figure it out on your ownmost people need to trust their gut more.

Tina: you said firstly. And then what

Shane: well, you have to watch the patterns

Tina: patterns?

Shane: well, when you get to know someone..you observe.you almost can feel how they react in situations.and that can teach you a lot about their intentions..because if a certain action is part of a persons pattern..then you know that there was intention there and not just a single random occurrence.


Tina: and that pattern belies the intention.

Shane: yes.now, Im not saying that the person is aware of the intentionit can be under the surface.in fact usually it is.but there is a goal .a purpose to the action.and that is their intention.

Tina: okso what did you mean by oh, right

Shane: tell me more what you meant by or worse

Tina: well..as I said.I would try to avoid a blow up.so I would plan to be out of the house if I knew that Bette was coming home to spend some special time with me.

Shane: I know you said thatbut I dont think that was actually the reason.

Tina: now, I dont understand.

Shane: well, to explain your actions by claiming that it was to avoid a blow-up is sort of putting a nice spin on it

Tina: well.

Shane: well, you want to appear nice.you think of yourself as always being nice.and so you need to rationalize all of your behaviors in a nice package..

Tina: ouch.

Shane: lookyou know I love you.we all love you..Bette loves youvery deeply I might add…and, you really are a wonderfully kind and gentle person

Tina: thanks.but what did you mean?

Shane: well, it is because you are so kind and gentle that you dont really know how to handle anger, resentment.all of those ill feelings..you dont know what to do with them because you see any direct approach as not nice.

Tina: well I do feel ill when the anger is displayed.

Shane: ohright

Tina: come onwhat do you mean by .

Shane: ok..look.Bette would come home all wound up..very irritable..and maybe would pick on you for something stupidyou knownot loading the dishwasher properly..

Tina: exactly.

Shane: so, its pretty clear that Bette is in a state in which she is not really acting in her best interest..

Tina: wellno.it certainly isnt making her day any better by doing that..

Shane: and your reaction

Tina: well, I might..

Shane: yes..

Tina: well..I might actually do something that would add to her irritability.you know like leave the used towels out at the poolside.I know these are silly things..

Shane: yesbut they do add to all that tension that you were talking about..so instead.of trying to calm Bette.to understand that something happened in her day..that her day was hard on her.instead of going easy.you might take some other action

Tina: yes.but I was hurt..I would be angry

Shane: ah.so you needed to do something.to vent that hostility.something that could seem like an accident.but the intentionit was the intention that made that action an act of aggression..acting out that anger

Tina: I dont understand how you could know.

Shane: I observed you doing it many times..againin small ways..never major because that would be too obvious..

Tina: what do you mean.

Shane: well, one of your ways would be to use us..to share something with us and leave Bette out..to make plans.and leave Bette out..and it hurt her..you could see it in the muscles in her neck & shoulders..

Tina: you could see it in the muscles is her neck & shoulders?

Shane: well, I could.she would hold the upper part of her body just a little differently whenever she would take a slight from you..

Tina: I would feel that also.and , oh God.Im not sure if I can say this.

Shane: I think it would be good for you

Tina: well..I think I got some pleasure in it..

Shane: well.I guess it felt good to not just be the whipping boy.to not just be the brunt of her irritability.. to not just take it…

Tina: well yes.

Shane: but where did that really get you

Tina: it got me some momentary release.

Shane: and in the long run.

Tina: it pushed us further apart.oh godI need to think about this.

Shane; look..you are exhaustedyou need some resthow about I stop back later with some foodrest for a while.we will talk some more later.

Tina: yes.please