Shane: tell me .

Tina: well, it does go back to her childhood she was basically in an emotionally abusive relationship with her father and I think that in order to exist under his rule – she adopted his patternsI read about that a little bit sort of like identifying with the aggressor in captive situations

Shane: like the Patty Hearst syndrome.

Tina: yes.well, I think that Bette adopted the use of ***** as a device for quelling her anxiety . I mean, even with me.

Shane: what do you mean

Tina: well, I think it helped her in two ways, one is that she felt good about her, well you know..

Shane: lets just sayher skills

Tina: yes..so in that way she felt good about herself but I think that it was even more important to her in another way

Shane: oh.

Tina: well, I often thought that it was so relaxing for her.that she was so intense all the time.really..so anxious.that for her the release and relaxation was even more needed.that it was one of the few spaces where she really felt some calm and her entire being longed for it.

Shane: and so.

Tina: wellthis is when I get sad and mad.

Shane: lets try to continue without it being personal..I know that is hard.but lets just talk about Bette and not about her actions affecting you.just so you can see her turmoil and self-torture.sort of separately from yourself.that is the best way for you to tap into the empathetic feelings that are there .


Tina: that really is hard..

Shane: look, you are such a sensitive souland you and Bette were soulfully connectedyou probably felt it every time she tensed.every time her insecurities would start to affect her easinesswhen she would start to get irritable.

Tina: that is the problem.on some level I knew that that was happening.and I felt sorry for herand I would want to help herbut then she would start picking on me, looking for faults and I would withdraw. Instead of helping her out of her anxiousness by giving her warmth I would withhold it.the cycle just kept spiraling.

Shane: ok, now what do you want to do with this information.

Tina: well, as I said, I feel sad and mad.

Shane: I understand that is your immediate responsebut you totally understand that both of you were reacting out of insecurities.from human frailties.and you also understand that Bette has an inner light..so how can you help Bette.

Tina: I dont understandwhy should I be helping Betteshe brought us to this *****

Shane: Because you can.

Tina: But I cant just let her abuse me, abuse our relationship, and then just take her back, what about my pride

Shane: Look, lets forget about Bettes actions and just look at yoursafter all that is really all that you have any control over.you just said that your contribution was your inability to give warmth and understanding when you knew that Bette desperately needed it.well, you are continuing your pattern.Bette desperately needs you more than evershe needs you to consider her lovable even when her actions are not.she needs you to accept her humanness

Tina: you are expecting an awful lot from me.

Shane: Because you can..Tina, be your best person.please understand that giving the love and compassion to Bette at this difficult time is not for herit is for you.

Tina: But it is as if I am making it easy for her

Shane: Please Tina, no one can be harder on themselves than Bette Porteryou can only imagine how she is beating herself up over this.your choice is to be the type of person that harbors and dwells in ill feelings for your loved one, or one who opens her heart and feels anothers painwanting to extinguish it.well, because it is the loving thing to dobecause you are one of the few people I have ever met who are capable of that type of lovethe real thingthink about itit is your choice.what kind of person do you want to be