The night had passed with an ease that was foreign to Tina. It had been a triumph to clear her mind of the talk she had with Bette, but eventually she had won out and slipped into a peaceful slumber that carried her through the night. It was a rarity that she did this, and when she awoke the next morning she felt refreshed. But it wasnt a day that promoted change, feelings of new beginnings, and new outlooks on life. Tina woke to gray skies, the color of iron, and the slap of rain on the hard outside world. Despite the weather she smiled to herself and pealed back the warmth of the blankets. It was days like this that the blonde enjoyed, savored even, getting up was easy for her on days like this. Her eyes still half closed she let her feet graze the carpet as she walked to the large picture window and sat on the sill. She sat watching drops of rain trace the glass of the window and the decided on opening it. With a sharp tug upward the glass slid and squealed up halfway and stopped. Satisfied with the width of the opening she lent her head and hand against the cold glass and closed her eyes, letting the chill of the brisk eastern winds lap against her exposed legs. She drifted easily into her past, both immediate and long ago and began to evaluate her true reasons for her trip to the city of brotherly love. She was true in telling herself that she wanted and needed Bette, that she still loved her with as much passion as she had those few years ago; but she had no idea of what she expected from the other woman. Did she want Bette to help her with Evan? Did she wish that Bette would want to be a part of their family? Ideally, of course, she did. But it was nave of her to think that Bette would want a family at such a young age, and be willing to settle down with her. ***** Tina didnt even want to be settled down, which is proved by this trip. She didnt know why she was here in reality, or what Bette was thinking at this moment. So, she vowed, she would decide to let it go and let Bette talk to her in her own time. Let the other woman come to her when she was ready to talk, and then, maybe hearing what Bette wanted and thought, Tina would be able to figure out what it was exactly that she wanted. Tina opened her eyes as she heard talking, she was fairly certain that it was still early in the morning and as she heard Bette and Carmens chatter she guessed that they were heading to class. After the front door slammed and the talking stopped, she figured that they were gone and decided to go downstairs to feed her growling stomach. Searching the refrigerator she found nothing that she really wanted and settled on a cup of tea instead, and after it was prepared and finished, she carried it back up to the guest bedroom. Opening the door she felt that room had grown colder form opening the window and she inhaled the sweet freshness of the cool rain cleaned air. Placing the mug of tea on the bedside table she flipped the small lamp on and gave the dark room a soft glow in place of the absent sun. She pulled her bag out from the corner and took out a sweatshirt. Slipping it on over her sleep mussed blonde waves she turned back to the bag to look for something else. Unzipping the side compartment she took out a book, looked at it curiously and tossed it onto the mattress before taking out the stuffed blue elephant that she had been looking for. It had been an afterthought to bring the small toy, but she was glad that she did. She held it to her face and inhaled the subtle baby smell of the cotton exterior. Sighing she flung the bag off the bed and onto the floor again, taking a seat. As she hugged the toy to her chest she cursed herself trying to find the reasoning that had convinced her to leave her baby and come here in the first place. Yes it was for love, comfort, but she hadnt found that here yet. She found more confusion, and gotten herself into more trouble. She was stupid to think that Bette would have accepted her with open arms and now she felt how truly idiotic her rationale was, she couldnt change it now though. She was here and she would see it through one way or another. She would leave only after Bette talked to her. However she missed her son terribly, she didnt think she could miss a single thing as much as she missed that little boy right now. She missed his toothless smile, his shining eyes that seemed to know too much at such a young age, she wondered what she missed and if hed done something new that she hadnt noticed while she was gone. She wondered if he realized she wasnt there. She was tempted to call her mother, ask her how he was, but she wasnt in the mood for a lecture right now. So instead, she kissed the toy and placed it on the pillow beside her. Her gaze soon shifted from the toy to the book lying on the bed with her as well, and with her gaze, went the shifting of her thoughts. Her mind shifted from motherly love, to passionate at the thought of the giver of the book now lying in her lap. Once again breathing in the scent of the room and the fresh rain she got up, picking up her tea, and went back to her position at the window that she had occupied earlier. This time she covered her folded legs with a blanket to keep the brisk air away. As she held the book in her hands she turned it over and ran her fingers across the old binding and the tattered edges, it was old and battered, but to her it was perfect. She opened it and expected what was going to happen, a folded piece of paper, that also looked beaten and torn felt out of the pages. And as she flipped through the old book with her thumb, the light puff of air that was created sent the musty smell of the old paper up to her nose. It was a smell she delighted in, a smell that was comforting for her and that brought back a particular memory on a few short years ago. She knew what the note said that had tumbled out of the book, she could recite it line for line now, so instead she let her mind float back to the memory of the day she received it. // Tina sat amidst a group of people that she called friends. In reality they were mere acquaintances that she ran into on a daily basis. Sure they knew each others names, but other than that it was superficial detain and popularity that kept the group together. Right now she was listening to the group as they planned her 16th birthday party bash at the beach. She already knew the details, she didnt really need to hear the list of the whos who that was going, she didnt care; no one important was going to be there. She was brought from her thoughts by a girl named Casey, Chrissy, who else do you want to be there? Besides the usual and all the hot guys? She really hated being called Chrissy, but of course there was only one person that she let call her Tina, and that was Bette. She would like it if Bette could go to her party, but knew that in the world of high school, it would cause serious drama. Bette definitely wasnt popular by any stretch of the imagination, it was actually somewhat of a shock, she was gorgeous and had money which would be normal criteria for popular standingbut it just so happened that she was gayand no one wanted that to corrupt their little circle. However Tina didnt think all of this through before answering Caseys question and blurted out the first thing that came to mind. Bette at first her friends looked at her with confused faces until it dawned on themno one called her Bette except for Tina. Wait, wait, wait Casey exhaled, waving her hands in the air. Bette? As in Elizabethas in Porter? Tina shook her head yes. THAT, Elizabeth Porter? She asked again pointing with her pencil in the direction of the brunette who was sitting at her own table, reading. Tina nodded a yes again before another girl, Devon, spoke up. Chrissy! Shes so weird, not to mention, HELLO, loser personified! Tina tolled her eyes and was about to say something before Casey cut back in. Not to mention an uber *****, Christina, no ones gonna come if you start inviting all the loser tweakos that go here. You have to be kidding. Tina sat there seriously and glanced back at Bette, sitting alone and reading. She wished that she could go over there and sit with her without her social life descending into *****, but it would, and she didnt need that; her home life was ***** enough. So instead she sat there quietly appreciating the bond that she shared with the other girl. They were friends, pretty much best friends, and they did everything together, outside of school that is. She was grateful that it didnt matter to Bette if they hung out at school, she understood Tinas need to have the perfect image in school to mask her home life. Bette, of course, was the only one that she told about her mothers alcoholism and how hard it was to have such adult responsibilities at such a young age. The two girls knew everything about one another. Every thought, dream, fear, and goal one had the other knew. And Tina was grateful for thisshe wouldnt give it for anything. So, she covered. Bursting out in a loud laugh Tina smacked her closest friend in the arm playfully. Come on! You didnt think I was serious did you? Gosh how little you know me! She said with fake incredulousness. In fact the didnt know her, the only person that did, she wasnt even supposed to talk to. As her friends caught a fit of giggles Tina sighed with relief and looked back to Bette, who felt herself being looked at and looked from her book. When she saw Tina looking at her, she gave a soft smile, a wink, and then continued reading. Smiling to herself Tina turned back to the people everyone thought were her friends, and tried to figure out a way to get through her seventeenth birthday party without her best friend. Later that night as the party quickly began to take form Tina found herself able to slip away to a more secluded part of the beach. She could hear the music in the distance and see the people, but she was grateful that no one had noticed her departure. She took a seat in the sand, close enough to the water that her feet wear occasionally lapped by the cold ocean. After staring up at the twinkling stars she cast her gaze back out to the water and watched the reflection of the moonlight ripple and break with the waves. He ears assaulted by the sounds wouldnt have helped her detect the steps of someone behind her in the soft sand, so she was momentarily startled hen a hand placed itself on her shoulder. She turned to detect who the intruder of her thoughts was, but the person had already sat beside her and she smile when she saw the familiar smirk. You scared the ***** out of me you know. Bette laughed, Sorry. After a few moments of silence it was broken by Bettes melodic voice. Happy Birthday Tee. Tina smiled and nodded, Thanks. She cast a cautious glance back to the far off party, hoping that they still hadnt realized the birthday girl went missing. Bette misread the look as one of fear of being caught with the ***** girl. Looking down at the sand she tried to soothe Tinas fears. Im not staying dont worry, I know I wasnt invited. I wouldnt crash your party like that. I just knew that youd be here, and I wanted to wish you happy birthday before it was over Tina rushed to correct Bette but was ignored. Plus, I wanted to give you your present. Present? Bette chuckled and gave a big smile as she watched the pale light reflect in her friends eyes, giving them even more of a mischievous twinkle. Geez Kennard, could you get any greedier? She asked playfully and Tina shook her head no in response. Bette smiled as she dug through her bag and produced a wrapped gift and handed it to the other girl. Wait until you get home to open it. Watching people open presents is weird for me. Tina arched and eyebrow, Youre so weird To which Bette responded, But thats why you hang out with me, I provide necessary comic relief to your otherwise dull life. The two girls laughed together and talked more about what had been going on in the others life for the past few days, until they were interrupted by Tinas boyfriend. Christina! There you areweve been looking all over for you. Didnt think Id find you here with Porter though. Should I be worried? Tina flashed a fake smile, she was seething at being interrupted, but had to play it down anyway. No, no worries, we were just talking about the Chem lab. Ill be right there. And with that, the ogre-like meathead walked away. Tee, really, what do you see in that guy? Tina laughed, He really is sweet Bette, dumb as a ***** rock, but sweet. Bette nodded, Well you better get back to the party. Yea, Ill call you later though, after I open your present okay? Sure. See ya later Tee. Bye. They parted ways then, Tina going back to her fake happy life, and Bette going back to being alone. Crawling through the window at three in the morning was no picnic, she just thanked the good Lord that she didnt drink a lot tonight. The last time she tried climbing after drinking, it wasnt pretty. After she changed into her pajamas and checked on her little brother she climbed back out the window and settled on the roof holding Bettes present in her hands. Not being able to take the excitement anymore she tore into the wrapping and revealed an old book of poetry by Whitman, Tennyson, Blake, and a few others. Her eyebrows scrunched together in confusion and when she opened it, a folded pieced of lined paper fell from the inside. When she unfolded it, she realized the writing immediately to be Bettes almost illegible penmanship. She read it aloud to the silent night air: Tee, My mind told me that I should buy you something, something new, something that was the latest and greatest, but my mind also knew that most of those things are impersonal and dont really show how much a person knows you. I figured Id let your friends buy you those things. So, instead, I followed my heart, and this was what it told me to give you. This book belonged to my granddad, and it may be hard to believe, but he was nothing like my stuck up, anal retentive parents; Im glad to say that that trait probably skips a generation(Im praying for my future children.) Before he died he gave this to me, he used to read me the poems when I went to visit him in South Carolina, it was always such a wonderful time sitting by the river and listening to him. Anyway, it was a time when I was young and things were simple, before boys or girls came into play, when high school was a far off thing. I remember being truly happy then. Im sure Im really boring youso Ill move on. I wanted to give this to you because these poems gave me something when I went through a hard time, and now that I can recite almost all of them from memory, I thought Id let you have this book so maybe you can feel some of the happiness that I got from them. This book is almost as important to me as my friendship with you is. Youre one of the most fantastic passionate people that Ive ever met. I just hope that we can keep this bond that we have now when were older. I know though, in my heart, that well be friends no matter time or distance. Now that Im done being long winded and possibly putting you to sleep, Ill just close by saying this. Tina, you are my best friend, truly, and no matter what you always will be. Youve told me time and again that no one knows you the way I do and Im thankful that you give me your trust, know that you have mine completely and I love you like only someone who knows your darkest secrets could. Youre the strongest person I know. Happy Birthday Tee!!!! Your best friend always, Bette stop-calling-me-Lizzy Porter Tina almost immediately picked up the phone to call Bette after that.// Thinking back now, sitting on her window seat with the cold wrapping around her, Tina didnt know how she couldve been so blind to Bettes affection for those four years that they were virtually inseparable. She memorized the note that Bette had written, so when it tumbled out she recalled it from memory, there was no need to open the paper. She remembered how many times she wished that she would have learned of Bettes love sooner, and it may have opened up her eyes to the repressed feelings that she shared for her friend. But Tina believed that fate was fate and everything happened for a reason. And there, as she snapped out of memories that seemed like eons ago, she felt herself change. She was letting go of the new Tina, the one that partied and didnt care about anything but herself. She let go of the thought that drugs were her only escape from pain. She let herself go back to the old Tina, who was passionate about what she loved, about who she loved, about life, and simple things like sitting on a roof and watching the sunrise. Tina felt herself being beyond doubt that she was happy about who she could become. So what if she was a single mother, she had a son who she could raise to be a wonderful person and teach him about everything. She had an epiphany. No, today wasnt a day for change and resolution, it wasnt a day for epiphanies and new beginnings. Not for anyone but Tina. It was there that she sat the rest of the day, the sky grew darker as the sun was supposed to be growing brighter, but Tina didnt care, she warmed up her now ice cold tea before coming back to the room. Taking her seat on the windowsill she alternated between reading through different poems, remembering memories that went with them, and just watching grey skies turn black and the rain growing even more tumultuous; contrasting the inner peace that Tina was starting to redicover.