“I know its hard Carm…. take as much time as you want…” Alice looks tired…like if she’s been crying for a week…

“Is she going to die Alice?” She looks at me with her sad eyes, mine started to water as I tried my best not to let emotion take the best of me

“…. No…. she is in at the top of the heart donor list…”

“Not to be negative but… She needs a new heart…. A fucking heart… I’ve seen tv-shows and people die because of a bad heart… my uncle died because of it…. When I told my mom over the phone… she didn’t have anything bad to say about Shane… nothing… silence and that…. That was a first… she said she was sorry after a minute or two…. Like if she was already dead…”

‘She’s going to make it…”

“I can’t see her die Alice… I just can’t” I couldn’t take it anymore, tears were coming town my eyes

“I believe Shane will survive this… I believe… I believe in the good. I believe that it’s been a hell of  5 years… I believe that in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary… she will be ok… I believe a lot of thing, I believe… I believe that Dana is always with me, …believe that if I eat a tube of butter and no one sees me the calories don’t count… I believe that Shane is a woman who made a terrible mistake by not marrying you, I believed that even thou she need a fucking heart, she’s going to make it. I believe we survive. I believe that believing we survive… is what makes us survive.”

“…How did this happen Alice huh? How did we end up here?” the same thing I asked her 5 years ago. She smiled

“There are moments…when all of a sudden, in a slip of a second your life changes forever…and before you know it.. You’re somewhere else…” she said that and went inside the hospital.

The trick with any kind of wound or disease… or heartbreak…. is to dig down and find the real source of the injury… and once you find it…. Try like hell to heal that sucker.

 Would the pain ever go away? Will I feel better? Am I cured? What are we really want to know is … is there hope?

Pain comes in all forms. The small twinge, a bit of soreness, the random pain, the normal pains we lived with everyday. Then there’s the kind of pain you can’t ignore. A level of pain so great that it blocks out everything else. Makes the rest of the world fade away. Until all that we cant think about is how much we hurt. How we managed our pain is up to us. Pain… We anesthetize, ride it out, embrace it, ignore it…and for some of us the best way to manage pain, is… to push through it.

So I go in. 3124, 3124… that’s her room… I don’t know if I should… shit its to late now… I get in the elevator and push 3… I never liked the number 3… it gives me bad luck… shit! Carmen don’t think that! Gosh…fuck… I get out of the elevator and see a sing that said 3120-3130 left… I go left… 20, 21… 22… 23… 24… ok this is it… just… go in… before I do that I can hear Alice talking

“ you know 40 years ago The Beatles asked the world a simple question… They wanted to know were all the lonely people came from. My latest theory, that a great many of the lonely people come from hospitals. I mean have you walked out side?… its depressing” I can hear her laugh

“This is the surgical floor Alice… people die a lot”

“O god you’re depressing” Why-why would she say that? Fuck

“excuse me can I help you ?” a Doctor ask from behind me, probably asking what am I doing outside a door hearing conversations

“Um no I’m here to see-”

“Carmen?” Alice said from the room. Then she completely open the door to see me there looking scared. Fuck… this is it… I’m gonna see her now

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