“Well you are not – this is your mother we are talking about. The problem is that Helena and I have always talked freely about our sex life – that ended when you and I started. It didn’t feel right even to say the smallest thing about our love life. Helena respected that and I was very grateful for that. Maybe it was the champagne but we did get into a conversation last night – as well as her saying that she is in love with Emma”
Tina kissed Bette’s hand “I know that we were all scared that my mom was going to get hurt when all this started but it looks like Helena could be the one who gets hurt “
“Are you saying that your mom doesn’t feel the same ?”
“No – I am sure that deep down she does – I think it would be a harder thing for her to admit it . I think that while Emma can deal with the hot sex and living the high life – I do think it would be hard for her to admit that she is in love with Helena “
“Because of Kate ?”
“Yea – and I do think it bothers her more than she admits that Peggy is so down on Helena – that will eat away at her “
“Would your mom end it ?”
Tina scratched her head “In so many ways you and my mom are similar – you are both very honourable. Would you end our relationship if you were 100% certain that you were bad for me ?”
“Yes “ Bette replied “I love you more than I have ever loved anyone – I don’t think its possible for me to love anyone more but I know – I know right through to my core that I am the best thing for you. If I thought I was bad for you “ Bette shuddered – even though it was a rhetorical question it was one that she didn’t want to dwell too deeply on
Tina saw Bette ‘s reaction and she kissed her
“You are the best – you have given me back my zest for life and I know that you are on my side regardless of me being right or wrong. “
“The point was your mom though “
“Yes – I was lying awake last night in bed thinking about it – she’s going to hate the fact that Helena is being made miserable by Peggy “
“I am going to see Peggy as soon as possible “
“Will it do any good ?”
“Its worth a try – trust me Tina – if Emma ends things with Helena – my friend will just crumble. Helena likes to act like she is really tough but she is like that because she cannot deal with anything more serious. For Helena to fall for Emma means that it is serious “
“I keep thinking that you and I should just let them get on with their relationship but its hard because I love my mom and I want to see her happy “
“I love Helena and I want her to be happy and I care very much for your mom – she’s really come round about us and she’s very supportive “
“I know – you saw them last night – they are besotted “
Bette took a small red apple from a bag and took a bite from it
“And then there is the small matter of $11,390 “
“I know – what do you think we should do with it – I wouldn’t have accepted it but they left the casino at the speed of light last night “
“With only one thought on their minds”
“Precisely -so – anything you want with $11,000 ?”
Bette looked at Tina
“Lets book a holiday “
“Where ?”
“Europe ?” Bette said grinning “Lets go to Paris and London or Rome and have a good time”
“$11,000 worth of good time ?”
Bette kissed Tina’s hand
“Maybe we could start a joint account – you never know when you and I might need it “
“Such as ?” Tina smiled
“You know “
“No “ Tina was teasing Bette
“We might want to – eh – you know “
“No – why would we want a joint account Bette ?”
Tina knew what Bette was alluding to. With all the fuss and drama about Emma and Helena they had not really talked at any sort of length about their relationship even though they had celebrated their six months together. Bette took another couple of bites of her apple and looked over at two young women walking along together holding hands. She looked at Tina. Did she have to put her feelings into words ? Maybe she did – she had messed relationships up in the past because she had run ahead with her feelings. Her reading of the relationship was that Tina loved her very much. Bette took a breath
“I want to spend the rest of my life with you I know its only been six months but I know how I feel and I am very secure that my feelings are only going to intensify. “
Tina knew exactly what Bette’s feelings were – she could read Bette better than the brunette probably knew herself. Tina lent over and kissed Bette
“Spending the rest of my life with you sounds perfect “
“It does ?”
“Yes”
Bette flustered – did that mean ? what should she say now ? Propose ? It was not a conversation she had expected to have but here it was out in the open – she needed to deal with it in the right way. Tina could almost read Bette like a book.
“I want to spend my life with you – I know that. I have probably always known that. But its been six months – I am just getting back on my feet and you are the reason why. I guess we do need to talk about whether we want to start thinking about living together right ?”
Bette nodded
“Things are fantastic as they are Bette – you are just about the most perfect girlfriend I could ever dream about “
“Why do I think there is a but ?”
“There is no but – that said “
“That’s a technical but Tina “
“Things are great “Tina continued “Lets keep it the way that it is – we sleep together almost every night – I hate sleeping apart from you “
“Live with me “ Bette said suddenly
“Its too soon “
“Why ?”
Tina sighed – this was why they hadn’t had THE conversation yet – because she knew exactly what Bette wanted.
“I think we both need our independence – that doesn’t mean for a minute that I want to date other women or have anything less than the relationship you and I have right now. What I am saying – badly I admit is that things are wonderful – lets keep them wonderful. When the time is right then – yeah – I know that living together is the right thing for both of us”
“Not now ?” Bette looked disappointed
Tina closed the distance between them by moving right up to Bette. She stroked her hand down Bette’s face
“I get afraid sometimes because its so fantastic . I keep thinking that its not possible for me to be on the same wave length with anyone the way you and I are. And we haven’t hit a bad patch – we fell out because of you wanting a baby and that is still something that you and I are going to have to talk about “
“You still don’t want a baby ?”
“No – but maybe that will change”
“That’s not what you said when we first talked about it “
“I know – I think about it sometimes – I have been watching that young couple over there playing with their toddler and I try and imagine what it would be like to play with our son “
“And ?”
“It scares me senseless. My life has been on hold for three – almost four years – I never thought I would meet anyone new – least of all this stunningly beautiful gallery owner. You have totally transformed my life. “
Tina pulled a photograph from her jeans and handed the picture to Bette
“That was taken about 3 weeks before you and I met . I found it when I was sorting out some papers that I had taken when I left the centre. Look at me – my hair is a mess, I weigh more than a few pounds more than I do now – and look – look at my eyes – there’s nothing there. I am disinterested and miserable. Look at me now Bette – what do you see ?”
“I see the woman I love – I see that she’s happy and really positive about the future. And I see someone very cool and mature enough to handle her mother sleeping with someone 27 years younger than her when I freaked about it “
Tina looked at the picture and then at Bette
“I feel like I have been a contestant on one of those make over shows – emotional wreck here “ she gestured to the picture “ and now – well I can see the differences in myself and so can my mother and everyone who knows me. And that transformation happened because you wanted me – and you believed in me when I didn’t . I would have been grateful for anything from you – I just saw myself as so out of your league”
“You are in the top division in my eyes “ Bette replied
“I don’t think you see how much you have changed me “
“If anyone has changed you – its you “
“Yes and no – everyone needs someone to believe in them. I never had that – I never had the deep conviction in myself that I know you have and I see that in Helena and my mom as well -they have their issues but they basically back their own judgement. Maybe that’s why they both had the balls to dive headlong into a relationship that everyone else thought was doomed. I didn’t do things because I was so sure I was going to stuff them up. So I stuck to my safe and unrewarding job and I didn’t end the relationship with Jane that was deeply toxic. I stayed in it because I was scared to tell her to fuck off. I just existed because I didn’t believe in myself. I needed someone to believe in me and give me that little shove that I needed. You walked into my life and you believed in me in ways that I had lost. I was miserable and all I could see was years and years of working and drinking beer and playing pool with Shane and lots and lots of bust ups with Jane. Please believe me when I swear to you Bette that I want to share my life with you and yes I want to live with you and wake up every morning and see your beautiful face but the time isn’t right. It will be – maybe in another six months but not now. Please babe – I am not rejecting you – the opposite. I so want it to be right and romantic and perfect when we decide to start living together “
Bette didn’t speak for a few minutes – Tina prayed that she hadn’t messed things up. Finally the brunette said
“You want maybe to go to my house and fool around a little ?”