“I’m sorry that I can’t get you pregnant.” Where the ***** did that come from? Not what I was expecting myself to say. From the look on her face I can tell she wasn’t either. Suddenly all the thoughts in my head seem so clear. That’s a big part of what’s been bothering me, I just never let it click before. I start spewing words before I even realize what’s going on.

“We both thought it would be so easy, to get you pregnant. Just get a little sperm and let’s go. But it wasn’t, not in the least. And every time that test came back negative, the look on your face just killed me. You were so disappointed every time and I was to and if I could just get you pregnant myself we wouldn’t have to go through that hideous process every time of timing your ovulation so me or some doctor can inject with some needle and it all makes me feel so…..inadequate.”

I suddenly run out of steam and there is this deafening silence in the room. She looks so stunned like she can’t make up her mind where to start, so I just wait holding my breath. Finally after what feels like an eternity, she starts to speak.

“Bette, how can you say that. You’re not inadequate. It’s just a biological fact that we have to face. And of course I’m disappointed, but you are too. And all I can hope for is for you to be there for me every time, so we can pick up and try again.”

“And I will be there for you, forever. But I can’t help but think that if you’d been married to a man, to someone like Eric…”

“That there would be not more of a guarantee that I would be pregnant. It’s a process baby, that neither of us can control. We just have to have faith that it will happen when the time is right. And as for being married to Eric or any other guy, I might be pregnant, but I wouldn’t be happy. Not without you.”

I have to smile when she says this. I gently cup her face and rub my thumb over her soft skin. She closes her eyes and leans into my hand. I don’t think she’s ever looked more beautiful than right at this moment. Her hair is tousled from our afternoon lovemaking and she has a soft, contented glow lighting her face. I run my thumb along her full bottom lip and she kissed the pad gently. We stay like this for a moment before she opens her eyes again.

“That’s not all that’s bothering you Babe, what else is it?”

Now that we’ve started all this, I easily delve into my next concern without a second thought.

“Well T, I’m just not happy at the CAC anymore.”

“Well I could’ve told you that.” She blushes when she realizes she’s said that out loud and I can’t help but giggle at her. “Sorry, I’m mean, it just not a secret that you’re unhappy there. And I hate that the CAC’s done that to you. You used to love working at your gallery. Sure it was hard and you worked long hours and some things frustrated you, but you were happy then. I can see the difference in you.”

“Exactly. I just feel like I’m stifled there. There’s just too many people trying to do one job. They hired me to run the place, to design exhibits and liven the place up, but they just place so many restrictions of me, they may as well be doing it themselves. But what am I supposed to do about it.”

“Maybe it’s time you looked for a new location Babe, maybe a location of your own again.”

“I can’t do that T, not now, when we are trying to start a family. The CAC offers too much financial security. And I would never risk all our money on my own gallery. I couldn’t ask you to do that.”

“But you’re not asking, I’m offering. *****, I think I might practically insist.”

I love her enthusiasm and I let myself dream for just one moment of possibility that I could reopen the Bette Porter Gallery. But that’s out of the question. Not only would I be risking all our savings. I wouldn’t be providing for her anymore. What would my role in our family be?

“T, we just don’t have the money for that, I can’t stop working.”

“Well….what if I start working again?”

TBC…..