When you look at the blue of the sky and the blue of the ocean its hard to tell where one starts and the other one finishes. The only thing that gives it away is the ship on the horizon. And the seagull. It glides gracefully across the vast expanse of sky, against the sun one minute its dark and as it turns and flies in the other direction its pure white as the sun reflects off its breast. 

I stand and watch it swoop backwards and forwards. It isnt going anywhere its in no hurry, its just chilling over the Pacific Ocean, minding its own business, not accountable to anybody. Its free. Free as a bird I whisper out loud to myself. 

It reminds me of a child playing at being an aeroplane as it soars on an invisible cushion of air, its wings as stiff as a board. I imagine that I can hear its cry, which is loud and harsh but I cant hear anything in here except the blood rushing around in my brain and some unintelligible voices far off in the distance.

This is Harmony Place. A Residential Treatment Center, located above the Pacific Ocean in Malibu, California. Apparently Ive been trying to kill myself.

I should be grateful Im in one of the most exquisite state of the art Treatment Centers in the world, and especially grateful to Dave, seeing as when they did eventually find me I was in some grotty psych ward going through withdrawal, wishing I would die, just to put an end to it.

My eyes are averted for a second as I turn away from looking at the bird and become aware of someone standing behind me.

Its a woman in her late fifties, shes standing there with her arms folded, looking out of the window. Shes frowning, trying to see what it is that I have been staring so intently at.

She smiles at me before she decides to speak.

What are you looking at? She says.

I indicate towards the seagull with my head and turn back around to look out of the window. I dont want any company. I want to be left alone. The gull is flying higher and higher in the sky. I wished that I was that bird. I wished that I could just flap my wings and fly up and away. Far away from everything.