“ALICE! Where were you tonight? Look at Dana’s fooooot, Al. No casty cast.” Alice could’ve punched her, but refrained to block out later drama. “Al, my stupid useless crotches are in the kitchen. HAHAHA oh my god, I just said crotches!” Shane and Dana busted out laughing, Shane stumbling forward, putting her hand on the coffee table for support. Her beer dropped from her hand right onto Dana’s bad foot. Dana’s laughing abruptly halted while Shane just continued chortling. Dana’s eyes got wide with what looked like shock. “Oh my god, that realllllly fuckin’ hurt.”

Alice went to the kitchen and grabbed Dana’s crutches, calling Bette before she went back to the living room with Drunky McStumbles and Shots McGee. “Well, these idiots managed to get Dana’s cast off. Should I wait til the morning to take her to the hospital or should I do it tonight?” She heard the sound of glass from the living room smashing. “Get her home, Alice. She needs sleep.” Alice peeked around the corner to see Dana nodding off and Shane attempting to talk to her. “Meet me in the morning for coffee, Bette. I need a sane person in my life for a few minutes. See you in the morning.”

Alice walked back into the living room with Dana’s crutches only to find Shane talking to a now fully awake Dana. “But, Al, I don’t wanna leave. What about Shane?” Alice looked at Shane, who would fall asleep the second there was nobody around to hear her drunken jargon. “Look, if you get on these crutches and let me take you home, I’ll give you all the pussy you want.” Dana wiggled her eyebrows as best she could, which ended up being one eyebrow raised and the other staying where it was.

“Hear that Shane? I’m getting pussy. When’s Carmen gonna be home?” As if on cue, Carmen’s small figure appeared in the doorway. “Alice, I’m so sorry. I was in the bathroom when this all happened and Shane drove me there, so I had Bette and Tina bring me home.” She glared at Shane hard.

“What in the name of all that is holy were you thinking? Dana needs her cast you idiot.” Carmen just shook her head and went over to help Alice get Dana off the couch and onto her crutches. Alice shot her an appreciative glance while they ushered Dana out to Alice’s Mini.

Once they got Dana buckled in Alice went back into the house with Carmen. Shane was lounged back drinking her beer. Carmen ripped the beer from her hand and threw it out the still open front door. “I can’t believe you! Dana’s got a BROKEN ANKLE! What about didn’t you get?!” Alice just shook her head at Shane and grabbed Dana’s purse and cell phone from the coffee table.

“Night Carmen. Thanks for the help with Dana. I was gonna meet Bette for coffee in the morning. Meet us there.” Alice walked back to the car, started it up and drove back to her house, attempting to keep Dana up by calling her name loudly often.

They reached Alice’s house with Dana still awake and Alice more worried now than mad. “Come on, let’s get inside so you can sleep.” They got out of the car and Alice successfully got Dana into the house and in bed. Within 2 minutes the brunette was snoring and drooling. Alice removed her clothes, being very careful to avoid her extremely swollen foot. Alice crawled into bed with Dana, already fully rested.

Alice lay awake until 8 rolled around. Dana was still fast asleep, talking very softly about chocolate icing snowballs. Alice muttered to herself what an odd combination that was while she got dressed for her coffee date with Bette and Carmen She grabbed a piece of paper and a pen and left a note on her pillow for Dana. “Don’t forget about your ESPN interview, and don’t forget that YOU AND SHANE CUT YOUR DAMN CAST OFF! I’m not sure what you were thinking, but you need to figure out what you’re gonna do about today. Call me when you wake up. Love you, pain in my ass. Xoxo. -Al”