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Lest I Forget (1)
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“It’s okay,” I replied automatically, my maternal instinct kicking in when I grabbed his hand. “Well, it’s not, but I guess it’s as okay as it can be, right?”
The doctor smiled and nodded. “Well, there are a million worse ways someone could go,” he said quietly. “She’ll have her friends and her family with her to say goodbye. I’m not a religious man, but I think that’s what really matters. Again, I’m so very sorry about all of this, and I wish there was something more I could do.”
It was then I realized that his waking her from her coma was a gift to my family and me, and a gesture of respect for Alice. While it broke my heart to have to deal with this, and to know that I’d have to tell my kids and our friends, I was grateful for it. I squeezed his hand gently before he left the room.
“I don’t know, Al. This is all too much for me, sweetie. I wish you could wake up and tell me what I’m supposed to do,” I whispered to her. But sitting there and really thinking about it, I was comforted by the fact that we’d had a great life. We really had, and there had been so much love present even in the bad times that I knew it was selfish of me to not want to give her up. It didn’t make it any easier to have to do it, but I knew it was selfish all the same. She’d given me everything I could have asked for, and I knew she’d been tired lately. I had thought it was just a bug or overworking, but thinking back on it I realized it’d been a deeper kind of exhaustion all together. And in spite of how dumb it was, I was little angry with her for not telling me.
That is, until I realized that she’d been trying to spare me pain like she always had. She’s always been so very protective of me. Hell, she refused to marry me because she thought she was protecting me from herself. I love her more than life, I really do, but sometimes the woman is absolutely insane. But she has a good heart and I know she always meant well, and we really had been lucky in the grand scheme of things. We’d stayed in love all these years, and had made a beautiful family for ourselves. We’d managed to work in fields that we both enjoyed, and we’d never had to hurt for money.
It broke my heart to know that I’d never hear her voice again, even if she was just whining about food or some other little thing to drive me nuts and try to get her way. But as I sat there, I realized I was happy. Not that she was dying, of course, but that we’d had the time we did. A million years would never have been close to enough for me, but I’d wanted to grow old with her. We hadn’t quite made it to the point where we both had false teeth and walkers, but close enough from where I was sitting.
“I love you, Al,” I whispered, kissing her cheek as the tears ran down my face. I wasn’t crying because I was sad…no, to be perfectly honest I was happy that she was able to go this way, without pain and cognizant of the fact that I was there. I was crying because I had no idea how I could possibly say goodbye to her. Eventually, after sitting with her for hours and thinking of all the things we’d done together, I realized that those things were all I needed. Before she went, I wanted her to remember those things with me, and to leave me knowing that she’d made me so incredibly happy with everything we’d ever shared.
It sounds stupid, but I felt like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. I was dreading the prospect of calling the kids and our friends, but under that I felt peaceful, somehow. I sort of wanted them to share in the memories a little bit, for some reason. I guess I wanted them to feel close to her before she died. I’m not sure if that makes any sense, but Al’s the writer, not me, so there ya go.
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I started not to read this…glad I changed my mine. Beautiful post! PPS!
That was sad ,yet knowing the rich full life they had together. thanks
Well MT just when I thought ‘You’ couldn’t get any better you come along with a whole other story that’s equally beautiful and moving. A bittersweet story but at the same time happy for all the years they shared. Well Done! :D
wow…i partly read this because i loved your summary (it made me laugh for some reason)…but anyway, this was just really beautiful. just…poignant somehow, in a way i can’t fully describe…but thank you for the fantastic writing, i’ll be reading more of this one for sure, eh?
Tough stuff. It was hard to read, it made me sad and all. But I liked it, since you always managed to write Danish in a perfect way. Thanx.
Wow. Wow. Wow. Man, MT, you are an amazing writer. I normally don’t read stories where one of my girls passes away, but, I trust in your love of Danish. What a beautiful story. How lucky for them to have been able to spend so many years with their soulmate. I love the details, too — like the fact that Alice spoils the grandkids. That seems so like her. I can’t wait to read more about their many years together. Please continue with the story!
MT, you have done it!!! I am speechless because it is so well written. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for writing this story. I do like the way you had D narrating the events. Her personality seemed stronger as she got older but remained goofy and dorky. What a way to go for Alice, beautiful day in the park with her wife, her soulmate. The detail in this chapter is incredibly rich and intriguing. As heavy as this post is, I appreciate your squeezing in some humor. I can totally see A whining about a hot dog, spoiling her grand children and laughing at D talking to Kit who was in heaven. It appeared that they’d raised 2 loving & caring children. I was glad to see the gang minus Bette and Kit were still around. Please bring A out of the coma, at least she would hear D, the gang and the children say their goodbyes. “… It broke my heart to know that I’d never hear her voice again… had no idea how I could possibly say goodbye to her…” My heart went out to D with my eyes filled with tears. You got to me, MT. Super job!!!
OMG that was so sad but so beautifully written. Bette and Kit gone Al on the way out but at least the rest of the family is stillvery close and connected by marriage and love for one another. Are Shane and Jenny a couple or still just very good friends and roommates I couldn’t really tell? I’ll be with this one till the end pps.
You know, after having read valediction I’ve thought twice before venturing to read this, MT! (you really torn me apart with that one!). But this is definitely different, kinda bittersweet, well more sweet than bitter, and I’m glad I read it! After all, who wouldn’t sign right away for a danish-like 40 years loving lifetime and pass away at 71? (that means… 71-40… damn!, have to harry up!)Thanks for this new story MT! I cant get enough of your writting! (Oh! ummm…. this is not related but I gotta say it: I’m also a huuuuge fan of “explosions” MT and I recently exploooded with joy ’cause their coming for a gig to my city next month! just like “danish” they’re one of my various but little obsessions! :)
This is very good MT, very impressive, well written and all that. “Lest I Forget” should definitely be continued. PPS :D
I had a stroke in 2003 but got my speech back and have learned to walk albeit with a brace and cane, but nonetheless. I was riding my horse the day before and felt fine, One never knows
hey i feel so stupid sitting here with my eyes watering every couple of paragraphs glad im alone though.. wow amazing i cant wait for the nxt one :)
I love this, You have really outdone yourself! 40 years together, that is great! Can’t wait for Dana to tell all the stories. I love how there son married Angie…LOVE IT!
hey muted – that is very well written. and so freakin sad. i am excited for the happy memories to come – but i am sure there is more sadness as well. but very well done.
The fact that you are the writer of this story made me read it even though I knew I would end up all teary eyed. It was so sad, but also very well written. I loved all the little details. I can’t wait for the next chapter of Dana reminiscing.
wow, this is so sad buts its a great story, and really really well written! i got tears in my eyes reading it with all the happy years they’ve spent together. i totally agree, for 40 years with that kind of love itd be worth it even if it meant checking out at 71! great post, PPS
This is so sad. Your writing skills never fail to amaze me, you’re able to portray ever character perfectly and write their thoughts and feelings like they were a real person. Although this story is so sad, it is brilliant and I cant wait to read more. Oh and I love that Charlie and Angie got together, they are all a real family now.