Eventually, he got down to business, telling Alice what he’d told me up to that point. I could see that she understood him, and it hurt to watch her hear the news for herself. It was hard for him, too. I could tell from the way his voice shook as he gave her the less than favorable prognosis.

“I do have some good news, though,” he said quietly after Alice seemed to have digested things a little. “We think you may have up to a week before your systems really start breaking down, Alice. I know that’s probably not of that much comfort to you, but I think that if we can keep you stabilized, we just might be able to squeak by and be able to admit you to a center if you can get past this first week. You’ll have to have constant care, and you’ll probably never speak again, but…” he spread his hands helplessly, looking ashamed.

I could have sworn I felt her squeeze my hand the tiniest bit. I looked at her, and she was looking back at me with her eyes blazing, telling me no in a sort of silent wail. She didn’t want that. In all our years together, we’d agreed that neither of us wanted to be a burden; should something happen where we couldn’t take care of ourselves, we wanted to let nature take its course. I’m sure that sounds harsh, but after seeing what my own mother had gone through, we couldn’t imagine living that way.

“And if she doesn’t want that?” I asked quietly. She seemed to calm down a little after I’d asked, so I figured I’d done what she wanted. Dr. Hernandez regarded me sadly, but nodded.

“I did read her living will,” he said after a minute or two. “Alice, you were very clear on what you wanted. I’ll do all I can to respect your wishes, but I want you to know the option is there if you should change your mind.” He paused. “You may notice some movement as you get used to your condition, Alice. Your body hasn’t entirely shut down in that capacity, but it’s been weakened by quite a bit, so don’t try to force anything.”

After that, there was really nothing left for him to say. He just said he’d be coming back to do regular checks, and if I had any questions, I should ask him. I thanked him as he walked out, and then gave Alice a quick kiss. “This really sucks, Al,” I murmured. Her eyes said that’d she’d be shrugging if she could, and I realized how dumb I was being. Sure, she was sad to have so little time, but she’d been saying for years now that her life was amazing and that if something should happen, she’d go happily as long as I was all right. In fact, she’d been repeating that a lot recently.

Still, I was selfish. It didn’t matter how easy it was for her, it was horrible for me, and as much as I wanted to be peaceful and thankful, I couldn’t. Not yet. I mean, I was thankful for the years we’d had…but that’s the shitty thing about loving that deeply. It’s almost impossible to ever let go. And looking at her then, I knew she understood that. She was just choosing to focus on how thankful she was, rather than how cheated she felt.

I was crying before I could stop myself, still holding onto her hand. She’s always hated seeing me cry, and her eyes filled with tears almost immediately. The sobs didn’t last too long, luckily. “You want me to keep going?” I asked, referring to the story of us getting together for good. Her eyes shone with love, and I smiled. “Okay,” I whispered. I mentioned that Charlie and Kallie would be there before too very long, and that our friends would too. Her eyes brightened at this news, and for the first time since this had all started I was genuinely happy. I couldn’t give her much at this point, but I knew she’d want to say goodbye, in whatever way she could. “I love you, Alice,” I told her softly, and her eyes responded in kind as I continued the story of our life together.