She didn’t get over it that easily, though. After Kallie was released, Alice and I both started to go to our therapists a little more frequently to try to deal with our respective guilt and the changes to our lives. It helped. Well, it helped me, anyway, and I really think it helped Alice to a certain extent as well. She just had a much harder time dealing with it, which really wasn’t hard to understand. As much as it had hurt me to come home and see Kallie so sick, it had to be a thousand times worse for Alice.

I noticed her drifting away from Kallie again on an emotional level. It wasn’t an overnight thing, but she was definitely distancing herself. I wasn’t the only one that noticed it, and caught myself exchanging worried glances with just about everyone.

“You need to talk to her,” Shane told me after Kallie had been home for about two weeks. “Kallie’s young, but she’s not stupid. She’ll notice the change and think she did something wrong.”

I nodded, but it wasn’t exactly that easy. Alice just seemed to feel guiltier when I brought the issue up to her, and that had never been my intention. She became even more withdrawn toward Kallie, and while I could see that she was dealing with some issues, I didn’t think it was healthy. For either of them.

I didn’t get mad at her, exactly, but I did try to stand up to her. I told her that whatever she needed to do to pull herself together, she needed to do it so she could be there for Kallie. “She needs you. I need you. You can’t just give up on us, Al. If you need help, we’ll get you help, but please don’t push us away,” I begged.

I’d hoped that it would work. I hated to make her feel any guiltier, but what I’d said was completely true. Still, it didn’t work out the way I’d hoped. Alice seemed to get more and more anxious by the day, and finally I’d had enough.

“You’re going on vacation with Helena,” I told her firmly. “I’m booking you both rooms in Hawaii and I don’t want you to say a word. You need to get away for awhile, and we’ll be fine. And if that doesn’t help, we’ll see about getting you some more therapy or something, okay?”

Alice looked a little frustrated, but she didn’t try to fight me. In fact, she was completely silent, and I could see tears rolling down her cheeks.

“I love you,” I told her as I swept her into a hug. “And I know you feel guilty. But you don’t need to, things are fine. I think you just need to get away from the situation for a little bit, it might help to get some distance.”

“I don’t mean to be this way,” Alice sobbed into my shoulder.

“Shhh, you didn’t do anything wrong. But you’re anxious, and it seems like it’s not getting any better. It’s not good for any of us to have you like this, okay?”

I felt her nod. “I know it’s irrational for me to feel bad. And I’m trying to get past it so I can be there for Kallie. I love her so much…”

“I know you do,” I replied. “But I think that to get past it, you need to step away from it and look at it from a distance. It might help you not to feel so guilty.” I paused. “I feel guilty too, Al. I keep thinking I should have noticed something or insisted we take her to the doctor when she first got sick.”

“You couldn’t have known,” she protested, and I smiled into her hair.

“Neither could you,” I replied. “Really, go with Helena and have fun. Clear your head a little, Kallie will be just fine.”

She agreed, and while I knew it would be a long road and that neither of us would ever be totally free of the guilt, it was a start. And I needed her with me for whatever was coming.