I’d felt much the same way when Kit had died, and when Bette had. When my father had called me from the nursing home to tell me that my mother had died having no idea who he was, who anyone was. I’d always been so hopeful that the news was some kind of mistake, a misunderstanding of sorts. I don’t know why; at the time it just seemed like there had to have been some way to explain things away and make them all right again.

Alice has always called me an optimistic pessimist, mainly because I always feel the worst is going to happen but when something bad really does, I try to look on the bright side of it and wish it away. I guess that was probably what I was doing. I had a sinking feeling in my chest as I walked toward the front doors, and it wasn’t getting better no matter how hard I wished it away.

When I walked in, nothing had changed. The same familiar nurses were at the front desk, and they said nothing to me when I walked in, just nodded at me in recognition. I know it probably shouldn’t have, but that made me feel much more hopeful about the situation. I was really thinking that perhaps something had happened, but they’d managed to get it under control. I didn’t really care what it had been; I just had to get to Alice.

I took the stairs two at a time, and barely got to the second floor before I saw Shane moving quickly toward me from a short distance down the hall. I signaled that I was coming, but she just shook her head and kept walking toward me. She looked like hell – I hadn’t seen her this upset for a very long time.

“What?” I asked desperately when she got to me. “Just tell me what.”

She opened her mouth, and I truly believe she was going to tell me. But she couldn’t, and wound up just shaking her head. I pushed her shoulder a little so she’d look at me, and when she did, her eyes were glistening with tears.

“I need to see her,” I insisted as Shane hugged me and tried to walk me away from Alice’s room. I’d gotten about three doors away from it by the time she got to me, and I was damned if she was going to stop me. She was a lot stronger than I gave her credit for, though, and refused to let me move any closer to Al’s room. “Dammit, let me go!” I told her, but she didn’t listen to me and just kept walking me backward to the little waiting area in an alcove in the hall.