Sometimes I’d wake up in the middle of the night and she wouldn’t be next to me. I’d freak out for a few minutes until I heard the inevitable shuffling somewhere near. She was usually in the kitchen, either having woken up thirsty and after a drink or sleepwalking in to get a drink without realizing it. Other times I’d find her in front of the TV, claiming she couldn’t sleep. Whatever it was, I always hugged her and dragged her back to bed with me, where I’d rub her back until she fell asleep. She claimed it was the only thing that ever worked. Well, aside from weed, and after the kids I forbid her to smoke in the house unless they were away for the weekend or something.

After she’d given birth to Charlie, Al had been wracked with horrible insomnia. He was a good baby and started sleeping through the night pretty quickly, but Alice never could. A lot of that probably had to do with the fact that she’d always been an insomniac anyway, but after the birth she just wasn’t able to fall asleep. I’d started rubbing her back one night on a whim, and I think we were both surprised when it worked so well. From then on, she’d complain at me over the phone when one or both of us had to leave town, saying she just couldn’t get to sleep in the hotel without me.

For some reason, maybe because it had become such a habit for the both of us, I wanted to do that for her now. So, without really thinking about it, I rolled her just enough to get my hand between her back and the bed and started to give her a kind of backwards backrub. It probably didn’t do anything for her considering she was comatose, but I found it comforting even in those strange circumstances. I kept it up for about fifteen minutes until my hand started to get tired and my eyelids started to get heavy. I stood up slowly and leaned down to kiss her cheek.

“Goodnight, honey. I love you more than anything in this world,” I whispered. I kissed her forehead and left the little room quickly. I barely managed to make it back to the sofa bed and bury my face in my pillow before I started to cry.